Coping with Infidelity and Abuse

One of my 7 types of affairs, “I Can’t Say No” often points to compulsive rigid patterns of behavior that only get more intense over time.

The focal point for the person becomes more and more the object of his/her addiction. It may be another person. It may be porn or strip clubs. It may be a variety of sexually acting out behaviors.

And, when confronted with the his/her behavior or fears that his/her object of addiction may be taken away, all h*** may break loose. Abusive and threatening behaviors are kicked in to keep the other person away from his/her fragility.

The spouse begins the process of deciding how to handle and manage the destructive behavior, which may have many forms.

Here are ways that 3 readers began managing the destructive behavior of his/her spouse:

I say “I’m sorry you feel that way”, then state the facts as I see them, I don’t defend (validate) or rebound the blame onto her (blame back)… it seems that over time it has lead to her “growing up” and really seeing things for what they actually are… I also remove myself from her (usually just other part of the house) after this, not to avoid or pout but to give her time to think (ALWAYS if there is ANY physical abuse which there can be I’m 6’2″ #220 and she is 5’9 150 so it CAN happen!!!)… doing this over the last year has lead to my wife realizing almost ALL of her demons and emotionally fallen to almost rock bottom which I hope will lead to her finally addressing them… of course I think to really be able to do this you have to re-build up your self esteem and know that whether you stay or go (divorce) that YOU will be OK…

Beginning to move on with my life. When on a couple of dates – nothing serious but ego and confident boosters. Finally telling him I can’t do this anymore after 2-yrs and I’m done and need to move on if he can’t stop. I believe I am dealing with a “I can’t say NO” affair. Its time for me to say NO MORE cuz nothing works. Going on a date did help me realize that I don’t have to keep stuck in this cycle anymore. It seems when I use feeling messages it helps to defuse the attacks but when my emotions kick in; I still get defensive. NO matter what he just doesn’t get my perspective only his needs are important.

Well i found out she was an alcoholic and drug addict, what has worked for me is attending Al-Anon and setting boundaries. I also started evaluating the things that were going on instead of just reacting to what was happening and found a lot of the things she was blaming me for was the way she truly felt about herself, her weight (she has gone through 4 wardrobes in the past 2 years because of weight gain), as for the chores and the kids she wasn’t doing any of them and had guilt that she couldn’t do anything for her family. I still am dealing with a lot of double standards but as they come up and are revealed I set boundaries and detach with love trying to keep my program as a top priority, as well as reading the bible when i feel stresses or just praying. I know that for me my religion went out the window when i was just reacting to the situations that would come up so now i try to turn it over to God and work my program. Not sure if this is what you were looking for but i know there isn’t much info for the Husband of an alcoholic / unfaithful wife.

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