Healing from Infidelity

Here are more comments from readers on their journey of healing:

>>>I have gone through the pain, and attained better emotional stability. And now i am giving my husband a last chance to improve, also planning a healthy break-up if he does not give any assurance to change himself. Sometimes I feel he has sexual addiction.

>>>Trying to see the big picture and be the only one to work on improving the marriage. By charging neutral, not reacting with my communications, I have kept our marriage afloat. My husband has dropped legal dissolution, and our communication is better than it ever has been. Like you said, make the marriage better than ever.

>>>My husband and I have been trying to reconcile for 2 months. He has left 2 times and always come back (we have 4 small children) your insights helped me realize what I was going thru and what to expect. I think we are finished now but I am still wondering what we’ll be up against.I often forward your emails to him. The most telling one was the most recent about therapy-it was us to a tee. He participated only to have an out and say it didn’t work.

>>>The course made me see the mistakes I have been making and showed me the depth of my pain, worded my feelings and, sadly, made me feel “one of the crew” of unhappy people to whom this has happened. It made me feel better, too, to know that many other people had experienced the same terrible emotions, insecurities and doubts and got through them, hopefully, for good. So I immediately ordered the book and now, three months after I found out about my husbands affair and passionate love for the other person I stopped crying every day, he stayed, says that he wants to work on the marriage and I think about the next course for my less-than-satisfactory life and marriage. I’m also now quite capable of thinking about divorce without crying and see it as something that won’t break me if it happens. Thank you.

Infidelity and Place of Family and Friends

In my e-course I suggest leaving family and friends out of the equation when facing infidelity.

Now, some families and friends can handle such a crisis in the marriage of someone close to them, but I believe that is rare. Side-taking and knee jerk advice to protect a person from hurt and pain is often the first response. And, this response is not helpful.

Here are 3 case studies of those recovering from infidelity:

1. How has this E-course helped you change the way you feel, think and act as you face infidelity. Give examples, if you can.

I read the part about not getting family and friends involved over and over to keep me from calling my friends and just dumping on them. I am so grateful, now, because they are not angry at him and I am able to re-establish his ties with friends and relatives now that he’s ready to come back into the circle. I also put all my books away and stopped asking him to understand how I “feel” and expecting him to read things that explained affairs and how they damaged marriages.

the first time I subscribed to the E-course I could not take in much of the information. I believe I was too traumatized. I actually had “monkey chatter” or “white noise” in my brain. It was extremely painful. Now, many months later, I re subscribed for the E-course, and it was like seeing the info for the first time. I wish, wish, wish, I could have had some get right in my face a full year ago, and tell me the info in this course… and I wish wish wish, I could have heard it. I do not know if my marriage would be saved or not. But now… I feel I am at the nearly too late point, with a husband who is only considering divorce, divorce, divorce. I feel hurt by his actions. And yet, I know it is not me. FINALLY I understand this, thanks in part to your work, and the fine people on the infidelity chat board you host.

It help keep my marriage together.Especially the part not to get family and friends involved No one knows except my brother and he found out six months after I did.No one else and I am so thankful..your site and book saved me.It was the best book that I could relate to and the best part was when it is not my fault but issues my spouse had and was going through.

Infidelity: the Healing Journey

Healing from infidelity is a journey. For those who continue to recycle the same patterns in their life it usually takes 2-4 years to feel the pain ease.

For those who learn and embrace the challenge, it takes much less time.

Here are some comments from those who are learning:

It is helpful to know that you are not alone, that many, way too many people experience this horrible horrible pain. It is true, though, you do need to better yourself for you and only you. It is very hard to let go, but it is nice to know that you can recover and come out better for it. I have only just begun my recovery, but ever day even though it’s just baby steps, I feel a little stronger. I try to keep busy and stay positive. I know now that there is better out there for me, even if it means facing the future alone. I have accepted that it was he that stepped out of our marriage, not me. I am accountable only for my own behavior. I can change no one but me. I wouldn’t want to change anyone else! They will have to answer for their own behavior and injustices. I feel a little stronger and a little more positive everyday. Thank you, you have been an inspiration.

I’ve learned that we have choices. We can either stay in a relationship where there is no trust, or we can get out.. Too often we are made to feel like it is our fault that our spouses had and affair.. The truth is it is not. They too had a choice to make and they chose to have an affair and when the get caught, they want to shift the blame and to justify their affair.. Learn to say it is their problem not yours.. Don’t take on their problem and make it yours. there is no relationship where there is no trust.