Healing the Marriage After Infidelity

November 17, 2008 by Leave a Comment

Read what my readers say helped them, or is helping them, repair and heal their marriage after infidelity:

>>>>>Huges, a lot of hugs, no kissing or touching just hugs. Write letters to each other.
>>>>>Accountability; we both are held accountable for our actions. Communicate more. We make an effort to talk to one another throughout our day and when the work day is over. Admitting when one is wrong and being able to say sorry.

>>>>>I called and spoke with my husbands Other person. I checked his emails to her.

>>>>>I stopped talking about it. I tried making him feel really special. and I tried to always know where he was.

>>>>>We participated in a couple’s retreat – Retrouvaille – which is all about re-learning how to communicate and repairing the damaged relationship. Through this program, we have figured out the issues that led to the affair and completely rediscovered each other. I was ready to separate on Friday afternoon, but by Sunday night I was ready to re-commit and start to forgive. Our weekend was 3 months ago and we are still using all of the principles we learned. After 10 years of marriage, we are finally starting to get to know each other.

Filed Under: Marriage Makeover Tagged With: ,

Infidelity and Marriage Makeover

August 31, 2008 by Leave a Comment

Just going over responses to my “Marriage Makeover” e-book. I tried to be practical (men especially like that, you know!) I always learn from your comments. I’ll share them with you:

1. When and why did you decide to do this exercise?
>>>It helps me focus on what I want
>>>As soon as I read the e-mail I wanted to do the exercise to start healing
and understanding
>>>I decided to participate in this survey because the invitation arrived this morning. It’s better to do these first thing in the morning before I get caught up in my working day.
>>>Because I have seen failed relationships and was devastated.
>>>My marriage needs to change. At the current state we are stuck in a unfufilling and deceitful relationship.
>>>we are a work in progress-always looking for something new to help
>>>I don’t want to let go of 20 years of relationship and 14 years of marriage. I am old fashioned, I believe in values

2. What happened? What positive changes or shifts took place?

>>>I feel much more confident about myself
>>>Alot has happened over the winter. My spouse has returned home and is actively participating in the restoration of our marriage. We are now participating in the Retrovaille program being offered in our area. It is an amazing program. It helps you to think about things you wouldn’t have thought of before and helps you to find your own answers in the context of your marriage issue.
>>>I became completely independent, especially from the people in my family who were downright mean and harmful. Slowly I have built a healthy, happy life for myself and my son. I have also learned to know people better, to realize that my reactions actually worsened the infidelity and am a stronger person because if I can survive this, I can survive anything.
>>>more communication
>>>My attitude, to change myself versus my partner, which brought a better impact on him, but I more focus no on my wellbeing………looks like he benefits from it too.

Filed Under: Marriage Makeover Tagged With: , , ,

Infidelity Recovery and Marriage Makeover: What do You Expect?

December 6, 2006 by Leave a Comment

Here’s a little exercise for you and your spouse to help you get on the same page.

Instructions

The objective is to narrow the list down to the top 5 characteristics you want to shoot for or see happen in your relationship now.

1. Print out 2 copies of the chart.

2. Each person scan through the 74 characteristics a couple times or more. Get a sense of how they differ. Note which ones tend to grab you or hold your attention. Remember, these characteristics describe an ideal relationship.

3. Each person go back over the list and place a check mark by each on the scale of 1-10. The #10 means that characteristic stands out or grabs you as someting vitally important and you want to shoot for that beginning now.

4. One person shares with the other the top 5. The person may make comments. However, make sure you NEVER refer to your partner or spouse as someone who must do that something for you to make something happen. Do not place any responsibility on the other. You are merely declaring what is vitally important for you now. The other person may ask questions, but they are for clarification only. The other is to listen and listen well with an underlying curiosity.

5. The other person shares the top 5 characteristics with the same rules and concerns applying.

6. If you begin to swirl, hit the wall or the communication breaks down, stop the process.

7. If the exercise generates positive give and take marked by a high degree of acceptance and curiosity, keep it going.

?
1
2
3
4
5
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7
8
9
10
#10 =Yes, Yes, I want that now!
1
My alone time, privacy or need for “space” is accepted and it is available.
2
Being with my partner increases my happiness.
3
I tell my partner the truth about everything. I withhold nothing.
4
I understand my personal needs and how I want them met in our relationship.
5
I understand his/her personal needs and how he/she wants them met in our relationship.
6
I usually think before I respond to my partner. I do not react impulsively.
7
I am an open book. I can express my feelings and thoughts without fear or shame.
8
I am not criticized or put down in this relationship.
9
I am in this relationship because I choose to be, not because I feel like I must be.
10
I take extremely good care of myself; I don’t rely on my partner to take care of me.
11
This relationship is completely consistent with what I think is right and desirable.
12
I have addressed everything that matters to me with my partner. There is nothing “hanging.”
13
It is easy and comfortable to talk with my partner and we converse often.
14
We manage our finances well.
15
I know my partner’s triggers and refuse to push his/her buttons.
16
I state directly what is important. I don’t make my partner guess.
17
I support, encourage my partner to reach his/her goals.
18
I can accept the apology of my partner.
19
I understand my partner’s goals and support them.
20
I listen well. I don’t interrupt or jump in when my partner speaks.
21
I am aware of the “triggers” to which my partner tends to react in a negative way.
22
I have an vision for our life together that excites me.
23
If I don’t know what he/she wants or needs at a particular time, I ask.
24
I support and encourage the work relationships my partner needs to meet his/her goals.
25
We take turns inititating conversations. There is balance.
26
When we disagree, I listen carefully to my partner’s point of view.
27
I can bring up any topic with my partner, even if I think there will be a disagreement.
28
I know what is truly important to my partner.
29
I keep complaints to a minimum. I prefer to make requests.
30
I trust my partner as much or more than anyone else in my life.
31
I am conscious of intentionally meeting the personal needs of my partner.
32
I respect my partner and do not insult or speak sarcastically, especially when I am angry.
33
I know I can count on my partner’s commitment to our relationship, even in times are tough.
34
I know my partner is doing his/her best to insure the trust of our relationship.
35
When I make a mistake, I say so, and apologize for any negative consequences.
36
I contribute as much as I can to insure the success of our relationship.
37
I treat my partner as an adult, not as a child or parent.
38
We resolve problems quickly and easily and learn from them.
39
I derive satisfaction from seeing my partner succeed.
40
My partner connects with my “deepest self.”
41
There is a balance between being close and eaching having their own space.
42
We work together. Neither feels superior to the other.
43
My partner tends to bring out the best in me.
44
We have common interests that both enjoy.
45
I am grateful for the love and acceptance in this relationship.
46
I can completely forgive my partner.
47
There is a purpose or reason for us being together.
48
Silence between the two of us is something this is enjoyed and not feared.
49
I withhold judgement of my partner and focus on acceptance.
50
I feel personally empowered in our relationship.
51
We accept and respect the word “No” when it comes to sex.
52
I enjoy receiving pleasure from my partner and feel free to express that which pleases me.
53
I am generous with my partner.
54
I can focus on the joy of the present moment when we make love.
55
Our lovemaking is richly satisfying for me in both quality and quantity.
56
For me sex is a choice, not something that I must do.
57
I do not overpromise and later regret it.
58
My partner keeps his/her promises.
59
I keep my promises to my partner.
60
I accept my partner’s friendships.
61
We play well together.
62
I laugh at myself and we can tease each other with freedom.
63
I do not worry or get jealous.
64
I receive and give and kind of affection and touch that each of us need.
65
I feel surrounded by people who love me and care about me.
66
We parent well together.
67
We have acceptable relationships with all of our extended family.
68
We surround ourselves with other healthily functioning couples.
69
We have the male and female friends that each of us need and desire.
70
We contribute to our community.
71
We are perfect for each other right now and each are growing in the relationship.
72
We are committed to change, grow and evolve together. This excites us.
73
We have our ritual and traditions that give this relationship meaning and deepen our connection.
74
We give each other meaningful gifts.
Filed Under: Marriage Makeover
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