What do you do? What do you say? Do you blast? Do you try to be nice and “win him/her back? Do you withdraw? Do you throw him/her out? Do you wait, hoping somehow s/he will come to his/her senses?

These are hugely important questions that impact the course of your healing and your capacity to change the flow of the affair, if indeed, it can be changed. You want your strategy to be well thought through and have the greatest impact.

You want no knee-jerk reaction that will dig your hole deeper, do you?

And, believe me, the answers to these questions are not clear cut. They are complex.

Let’s talk about waiting.

I had a coaching call with Sue (part of my audio tape series) in which Sue described beautifully the three stages of waiting as you cope with marital infidelity.

The first waiting is usually for your spouse to change.

You are hoping either that you will wake up and find that this was nothing more than a bad nightmare (part of the shock of discovery) or that s/he will see the error of his/her ways and become sane once again.

Typically, you focus on your cheating partner and/or the other person. That’s all you think about. That’s all you feel. It consumes you!

Now let’s be realistic here. If you have a marriage where you are invested, emotionally, financially, etc. it will be next to impossible to avoid this agony.

Yes, you will go off the deep end, a little; maybe a lot. You engage in most of the “Killer Mistakes that prolong the affair and your misery” I outline in my e-course. Your minutes are marked by confusion and awful pain.

And then you move to the second phase of waiting: waiting for you to be comfortable enough with you and the situation to do exactly what you need to say and do that will have the greatest benefit for you and the relationship. You get smart.

It begins when you learn that there are 7 kinds of infidelity. It begins when you discover what it was that drove your spouse to make such a horrible decision.

It begins when you discover that his/her personal characteristics match exactly the kind of affair s/he is having. It begins when you realize that it was HIS/HER decision and had very little to do with you.

It begins when you discover that you are not alone: a world of people share your pain and experience of coping with infidelity and have successfully designed new lives and relationships better than they had before.

It begins when you realize the huge reservoir of your personal power you want to unleash.

It begins when you intentionally charge neutral and experience those around you paying close attention to who you are, want you want, what you will and will not tolerate.

And then you enter the third phase of waiting: waiting for the infidelity process to work itself to completion.

From what you’ve learned about the kinds of infidelity, with great forethought and preparation, you begin to intervene.

You’ve determined the kind of affair you face and know what best to do and say. You act and speak with force. S/he truly hears you and you begin to see different responses, different reactions.

Knowing the kind of affair, enables you to set a time line. You have a rough idea of how long the process will take.

You are on the way. You continue to learn. You continue to adjust your words and actions to have their greatest impact.

You begin enjoying yourself. You are no longer concerned about waiting. Your life begins to unfold in mysterious and joyful ways. You can stand back and marvel at your journey, and yes, even give thanks for where you have been.

Now, I want you to know that what I’ve written above is not a pipe dream. I work with people regularly who move through these stages of waiting. And, the quicker they start, the faster they move.

But, don’t take my word for it. I suggest you listen to Sue explain her waiting and healing process. She describes it beautifully and with great passion.

I have her on audio, and you can grab it now. She’s part of my audio tape series: 19 Live Infidelity Coaching Sessions.