These thoughts come from a coaching call with a client who doggedly wants to hang on to his spouse and repeatedly tries to forcefully convince her of the errors of her ways.

He, like many I coach, are tied to the hip of their spouse/partner. And that is understandable.

After xx number of years sleeping with a person, sharing meals with that person. raising children together, celebrating Holidays and birthdays, paying bills, vacations together, seeing the best and worst of another, allowing the other to see the best and worst in us, and living out the good, bad and ugly of life we form a bond that is nearly unbreakable – even if marked by intense pain and disappointment.

He, like some of you, is fighting like crazy to keep his relationship. He doesn’t want to lose her (and all that she represents).

He, like some of you, out of his fear and pain, says words that push her away, although he wants her close. Because she is lost in her own pain and lostness, she cannot hear beyond his words.

If this is your scenario, please consider trying on some of these suggestions.

1. Appreciate the power of your determination. You are doggedly determined. You will not give up. Embrace that as a power of your character. Examine other areas of your life where you show that same kind of determination. Smile at yourself for your persistence.

2. Take small steps to be more subtle. Care for yourself in kindly small ways.

3. Watch carefully the response you get from your spouse/partner when you resist less his/her attempts to pull away from you.

Your determination can never be taken from you. And, you can learn to use it in more subtle and perhaps more powerful ways.

Yesterday two of my coaching calls were with those who had the extramarital affair.

Both of them hugely regret the extramarital affair. Not only that, they explicitly described their sexual relationship.

And, their sexual encounters left them cold. Literally!

The first was a male who seemingly struggled through extramarital affair #6: I need to prove my desirability.? He described a life-long pattern of struggle with self-esteem. (Now, this is not news – most of us at some level question our esteem – but for him, it was more intense.)?

He found someone (or maybe was was found by someone) 15 years younger who flattered him. It felt good. The flirtatious relationship lasted for some months. He reported that they “tried” to have sex on a couple occasions. The result was terribly unsatisfying and only compounded his guilt.

The second person was a female who also encountered someone 15 or so years her junior. Of their infrequent attempts, she recalls being traumatized to the extent that she felt like it “wasn’t her.” She did remember that he was unable to get an erection. I’m now working with her and her husband to “makeover” their relationship.

I bring this up to help those of you who think that the sex your spouse/partner had with the other person was something just a tad short of stupendous, or maybe was indeed a stupendous event.? (Sex perhaps was on one level “good” – at least from their perspective – but this is only true for particular kinds of affairs.) Actually, I believe sex can NEVER be as good in an extramarital affair as it truly can be in a committed relationship founded on truth and integrity. But, perhaps more of that later.

Please keep in mind that you may indeed be idealizing their sexual encounters.

Many of you have difficulty shaking thoughts and vivid images of your spouse having wall-banging sex with the other person. This is OK. It’s normal. Our culture sends a plethora of distorted messages concerning sex. One of them is: sex is “hot” when you are with your affair partner. Not always true!

I hope this little quickie offers a reality test for your thinking.