You discover what you thought you would never discover: your spouse, best friend, fellow parent and bed partner is having an extramarital affair.

Are you tongue-tied?

Or, do you give tongue-lashings?

Those who sign up for one of my coaching packages often suffer from one or the other, or they alternate between being tongue-tied one moment and hand out a tongue-lashing the next.

You are frozen with pain and fear. Fearful that what you might say will drive a deeper wedge and him/her to the OP (other person). Or, you don’t know what to say because your mush-like mind is swollen with confusion. And, so you say nothing.

Or, Your pain, hurt or rage is so great there is no containment. It comes out. It spews out. In desperation you flail, hoping something will hit the mark and create sanity, will somehow drive things back to what they predictably were.

People often find my coaching helpful because we fashion together “words to say” that slice the silence or quell the clamor. We come up with what I call Laser Phrases. Laser Phrases:

1. Are short and to the point. They cut down the verbiage and yet say something that is heard.

2. Speak the truth concisely. They cut to the core of what a person REALLY wants to say. This truth is spoken without rancor or judgment. It comes from the heart. It comes from the “higher” self. It penetrates and gives plenty of room for reflection.

3. Are specific to the kind of affair. For example, saying “I’m here for you” is appropriate for the affair, “I need to prove my desirability” and totally unhelpful for “I don’t want to say no.” Likewise, “I’m glad I’m not in your shoes” could be powerfully effective for “I don’t want to say no” and prove a setback for “I need to prove my desirability.”

4. Are spoken with body language, tone of voice, posture, etc. that uses “charging neutral,” one of the tools and skills I teach in my ebook. One speaks not as a wimp nor as a tyrant. One conveys the phrase in a way that communicates “You must deal with me.”

Here’s a coaching client who discovered her husband’s affair. He ended the affair and suffers from extreme guilt. She is feeling the betrayal and devastation and has hundreds of questions and wants to talk. He will respond often but at times she sees him staring into space. You can image what she thinks he might be thinking, which triggers floods of feelings and thoughts.

We are rehearsing how she might handle this situation. For example, she might try making a comment, gentle but direct: “I wonder where you just went to??? with perhaps a smile on her face. Or, “are you aware that you are distancing, or is it just me? “Is there anything I can do that will help you come back here?

Again, these possible Laser Phrases fit well the context of their extramarital affair.

Please understand that Laser Phrasing is easier said than done. It takes self awareness. It takes an understanding of the kind of affair that faces you. It takes rehearsal. It takes self acceptance.

One of my coaching clients is playing the role I call the “Constant Object.”

He is a rock. His mission is to hold the family together. He’s focused on parenting – giving what she is not. He vows to hang in there although his family and friends tell him to “move on.” He uses a skill he learned from me – charging neutral – and refuses to react to her.

She is having a rather open, blatant affair with a neighbor. She is “in love” and fits almost to a “t” the characteristics I describe in affair #4: “I Fell out of Love…and just love being in love.”

He receives mixed messages from her daily: “You are important to me. I love you, but am not in love with you. You are a wonderful person. She may touch him. She will call him almost daily and unexpectedly at his workplace, often without any significant reason.

At other times she talks of moving out to live with her boyfriend. She says the marriage is over, but has not filed for divorce. She frequently and angrily “throws a fit” if he hints at repairing their relationship. She lies where she is going and what she is doing. She says it is time for her to follow her feelings.

She is like a leaf blowing in the wind. She claims that her feelings are vital to her, yet interestingly shuts down and withdraws when it comes to expressing appropriate feelings such as sadness or fear. She is adrift and running from her internal emptiness – running naively toward that which she thinks will fill her emptiness – another man. She is lost.

Such a lost soul needs a rock, someone constant, predictable and safe to attach to. She has that. She needs that.

He now knows that. He can with more compassion view her struggle. He waits for the day when consequences will open her to her pain and emptiness and propel her to another level of growth and healing and self understanding.

When will that happen? We don’t know. How will that happen? We don’t know for sure.

His work is entertaining answers to the questions:

For how long will I tolerate this?
How will I draw the line, if I must?
What are intermediary steps I can safely take with her to guide her to the consequences of her behavior and possible healing?

I ran into it again today, in one of my coaching calls.

This phenomenon may seem odd to most. Most never imagine it to be a possibility. But, for someone who has logged more than 30,000 hours of direct counseling, I’ve encountered it over and over again. It does happen and happens often.

The “it” is a person repeating the same actions of his/her parent.

The scenario today was of responsible loving mother/wife doing an about face.

Within a short period of time she developed an intense attraction, almost obsession, with her boss.

It grew into a full blown extramarital affair with her moving out, going on weekend trips with him, dressing provocatively, paying minimal attention to her 5 year old daughter and in essence, orienting her life around this new man.

She raged at her husband, blamed him for the affair and would wait impatiently for her next encounter with the other person.

Her history revealed that her mother exhibited almost exactly the same behavior to her father when she was as little girl – 5 years old!

Coincidence?

I don’t think so. I’ve encountered this behavior far too often to dismiss it.

I believe the pain, guilt, hurt, fear and confusion we experience when traumatized as a child is somehow locked inside a person. We vow (at some level) that it will never happen to us.

However, when the biological child becomes the age of the little girl who suffered the abandonment, all hell can break loose.

It is a crisis. There is an attempt to “resolve” this pain, but the avenue chosen is often similar to the destructive path taken by one’s parent. There may be good psychological reasons for this, but I don’t want to go there now.

Suffice it to say that the husband suffers in disbelief and confusion. He no longer knows his wife. He receives well intended advice to “move on.” But he can’t.

A part of him knows her pain. This intuitive knowledge holds him to her. He waits, patiently, for her to face her demons, for her to gain the clairity of awareness and internal healing that will free her from the history of her mother.