The underlying struggle with this question often centers around ambivalence.

A part of you wants the marriage, wants the relationship, and fears losing a
tremendous amount.

And yet there is another part that says, “I am tired of this. I don’t want this. I
don’t like the pain. I don’t want to be in a relationship where I am disregarded to
this degree. Why not end it?”

It sometimes is helpful to confront your cheating spouse with your ambivalence.

“You know there is a part of me that really wants to be with you and hopes that we
can have a family and can make it through this. And yet another part of me says I am
not going to live this way.”

And then you say, “At some point I am going to work through this and at some point
I am going to draw a line. I am not sure when. I am not sure what it is going to be
like but I know that I will not live like this forever.”

Those statements often give a sense of power.

And, you are speaking the truth.

When he continues or she continues to see the other person begin to shift your
focal point away from him or her.

A person who says, “What if he or she continues to see the other person?” often is
focusing on the cheating spouse.

Often the wounded spouse checks emails or buys spying equipment or gets on the
computer and tries to track down where he or she is.

The energy, the focal point, is trying to determine whether he or she is seeing the
other person.

I suggest you shift your focal point.

Ask the question (I know this is a really, really difficult question,) “Do I truly,
really in my heart want to be married to him or her?”

Spend a considerable amount of time asking that question and exploring that
question from all angles.

Don’t say, “Sure, I want to be with him or her because I love him.” Don’t use the
word love, dig under that.

What are your true reasons for wanting to be married to him or her?

I have some guided questions that will help you in my ebook, Break Free From the
Affair.

Do you really, truly want to be married to him or her?

That question will help clarify what is truly, truly important to you – what you
value and what your standards and boundaries are for your relationship.

If possible, state to your cheating spouse what you are discovering about,
answering that question.

Video: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/blog/?s=continues+seeing+op

This question occurs when either a person knows or has evidence that the spouse
is having an affair but hasn’t confronted him or her with it, or the affair is
out in the open but you want to be stronger in your stance.

I’m going to answer this question perspective of the seven kinds of affairs that
I outline.

Let’s look first at the affair I call “I need to improve my desire ability.”

In this kind of affair there is usually a lot of shame and guilt so if you
suspect your partner is having an affair and fits into this category, be
cautious and express concern.

You want to provide an atmosphere in which he or she can feel free to confide in
you because that’s probably what he or she wants.

Often when someone confronts a person verbally who is involved in an “I don’t want
to say no” affair the conversation really doesn’t go anywhere constructive. It gets
turned back on you, you’re blamed, you get angry…it’s a hassle.

Instead of confronting verbally a person who is involved in an “I don’t want to say
no,” take action. Take very, very strong action of some sort. Speak through your
behaviors and not your words.

Here are three ways in which you can confront your spouse if you are involved in
one of the other kinds of affairs.

Refer to behaviors or refer to specific things you see with your cheating spouse.

Say to him or her, “this is what I observe, this is what I see.” Relate these
behaviors to the fact that he or she might be involved in an affair.

Another way of confronting your spouse who may be involved in another kind of
affair is to take a very, very firm stand and say, “I will not live with this, I
will not tolerate this, I will not share you with someone else.”Walk away. Take a
very firm stand and utter that declaration.

A third way of handling or confronting someone involved in the other kinds of
affairs is to drop comments periodically, such as, “You know you’re headed down a
pretty slippery slope here and I wonder if you realize that.”

Or make some other comment that refers to the consequences of his or her behavior.
You need not explain in detail. Making a short statement and turning around and
walking away often has extreme power.

Keep knocking on the door and say “Hey what’s going on here? I’m here and I’m not
going to live with this.”

Charging neutral is an important concept that I teach and you want to charge
neutral which is easier said than done, especially in the beginning stages of the
discovery of infidelity.

Video: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/blog/?s=confront+spouse