Now that question may seem rather strange, because most of us don’t want to go there.

We don’t want to go there because it probably is exceedingly painful, and what we
try to do is we try to get rid of this pain or we try to alleviate this pain.

We may medicate ourselves because we don’t want to feel the pain. We may drink
ourselves into oblivion because we don’t want to feel the pain. We may shop till we
drop because we don’t want to feel the pain. We may try to escape to some island
because we don’t want to feel the pain. We will try to go somewhere so that we don’t
feel the pain.

It is very common to try to not feel the pain, not to think about our worst moments.

But I want you to think about your worst moment, and here’s why.

What is pain? Pain is a belief that I want something, and I’m not getting it. I
want something that’s extremely important for me, and it’s not happening.

Now let’s relate this to infidelity.

Infidelity may trigger thoughts like… I’ve always dreamt of having a family — of
having a loving, warm, beautiful family — and it’s in jeopardy right now. That’s
what I think about in one of my worst moments.

Or pain may mean I always thought that I was going to live with someone forever and
that we would have a happy life. I never dreamt, never thought that I would never
get divorced, and now it’s a possibility.

Pain may mean I’ve always wanted others to be proud of me, to be successful, and now
with this I feel like a failure. I feel extremely sad that I’ve failed.

Or it may mean that I have always put hope on being a sexually desirable person. I
wanted to be wanted, and now I’m cast aside. And, I’m sexually replaced by someone
else.

So this is your pain. This may be part of your pain.

Enter into this pain. Face it.

And you ask yourself, “When I feel this pain in my worst moments, what are the
thoughts? What is it that’s really, really important to me?”

Your pain will lead you to that place in which you discover what is vitally
important for you.

So follow your pain, and your pain will lead you to your dreams, your hopes, and
your aspirations.

And if you have a difficult time facing the pain, ask yourself, “What does this
mean that I feel this pain? What does it mean that I’m thinking this?

Continue to ask yourself that question.

I’m in my pain. I must want something. What does it mean to me that I’m here? I use
this statement with people sometimes who are in pain. I say, “Gold is refined
through intense heat.”

I’m reminded of being on an airplane when the oxygen mask comes down. You place the
oxygen mask on yourself first before the child or loved one sitting next to you. You
need to take care of yourself first before you can help others.

Here are four scenarios in which you may consider the need to protect yourself.

The first scenario is for someone who is involved in an “I can’t say no” type of
affair.

In this type of affair the cheating spouse is most likely losing control of his or
her life. You may observe him or her doing down the tubes. More and more it appears
that he or she is unable to control what’s occurring around him or within him or
her.

As the “addiction” progresses you may experience forms of abuse, even physical abuse.

You must be able to set boundaries to protect yourself, or if that doesn’t work,
have an exit plan.

An exit plan lets you know where you can go and who can help you if the abusive
behavior intensifies.

The second scenario occurs in the “My Marriage Made Me Do It” type of affair.

Verbal abuse may be persistent. You’re persistently blamed for his or her actions.
He or she refuses to take responsibility and passive aggressively points his or her
finger at you as the cause for what’s going on.

I’m often reminded of the story of a frog that’s placed in water on the stove, and
the gas is turned on. The heat is turned up, and the frog is oblivious to the
heating water. Eventually, the frog is boiled.

That sometimes is the case when we’re involved in relationships where there’s a
longtime history of blame and subtle verbal abuse. You become boiled in a way, and
you need to be aware if that is happening.

Thirdly, you may need to protect yourself in the “I fell out of love and just love
being in love” kind of affair.

Impulsivity often reigns. You may need to check your bank account, check your
finances or get an attorney. Make sure that your life is not disintegrating in
those particular areas.

Fourth, consider the “I don’t want to say no” affair in which there’s a sense of
entitlement.

You may need to protect yourself sexually. S/he involved in that type of affair is
often oblivious to precautions. Consequences are not considered.

Your physical health may be at risk if there is sexual activity with him/her.