The internet and newspapers in the last couple days have the love triangle of astronauts Lisa Nowak and William Oefelein and engineer Colleen Shipman front and center. The implication: We can’t believe such a thing could happen. And, how in the world did it happen?

One of our cultural icons has been tipped and ripped.

But it does make sense why such a tragedy can happen (and love triangles are tragedies).

We can learn. If we choose we can empathize with all the victims in this triangle. And, we can twist our thinking a tad so we might see ourselves for who we really are – the good, the bad and a lot of in-between.

The article this morning read: “No one at the space agency saw any sign that Nowak was troubled…”

Well, folks, everyone is troubled. I assume what they meant to say was “troubled THAT MUCH.” Her behavior crossed a line?which was troubling not only for her, the other two in the triangle, but for NASA and those of us who believe this national icon serves as a model.

Let’s take a closer look at Lisa, or more accurately whom she represents.

Lisa is a model of power: the power of intelligence, the power of “can-do,” the power of physical toughness, the power of perfectionism, the power of narrow focus and determination to reach goals.

Here are some observations on this love triangle and the pursuit of this form of power.

1. Ever heard: “for every action there’s an equal and opposite reaction?” That’s true for our inner life. One pursues mightily success and perfectionism and there’s an inner part that doubts one’s success and fears failure. Of course the part that fears is relegated to the background, far out of awareness, if possible. This inner turmoil simmers.

2. Those who hold this iconic position in our culture (clergy, astronauts, therapists, CEOs etc.) don’t want others to know of this turmoil. They hide. This exacerbates the tension.

3. Some internal line is crossed and the tension erupts into some sort of acting out, perhaps dramatic or bizarre behavior.

Why should be we surprised?

4. Was Lisa suffering from an “I Can’t Say No” affair? (Break Free From the Affair) Did she tend to be a perfectionistic, driven person? Did she become increasingly?obsessive about this triangle? Materials found in her possession indicated she had an elaborate scheme to play out. As I indicate in my e-book, the behavior of “I Can’t Say No” becomes increasingly destructive.

5. Another interesting comment in the article: “We were just talking about the fact that the old astronauts from years ago were a wild bunch of people. They played around, some of them. They used to drink and go out a lot. Now ?” family people, churchgoing, very, very devoted. ”

So…they were the “I Don’t Want to Say NO” kind of affair?! Interesting, isn’t it, how “harmless” those kind are. Oh well, boys will be boys, you know! (And, come to think of it, they were all boys, weren’t they?)

Love triangles still abound. They merely arise out of a different set of circumstances and different cast of characters.

6. Psychological tests didn’t uncover her “trouble.” I’m not a testing expert, but I do know that tests do miss items. And, I also know that there are those who can “con” tests, intentionally or unintentionally.

A characteristic of a “I Can’t Say No” affair is denial. Truth is distorted, twisted and ignored. Or a world can be rationalized and created that fits the perception that person desires. And, he/she truly believes it and leaves room for nothing else. Could this be Lisa?

A person in the “I need to prove my desirability” affair is sometimes attempting to reconcile a history or incident of abuse. The capacity to dissociate from that event may be so powerful that the event itself in never remembered. It’s as if it happened to a “different person.” Was there a “different person” Lisa?

We don’t know of course. And, it is dangerous to analyze too much.

Let’s learn from this event. We humans are extremely complicated. Infidelity and extramarital affairs are extremely complicated and emerge out a myriad of different scenarios.

Once we see the smaller pictures our perspective changes and we embrace more fully our complex selves and our complex relationships.

Almost daily I encounter those entangled in a kind of extramarital affair I describe as “I Fell Out of Love…and just love being in love.”

The cheating or “offending” spouse has encountered someone where there are “sparks!”

Here are common phrases: (to the spouse) “I love you but am not ‘in love’ with you. The romance in our marriage is gone. I found someone who really loves me.” (self thoughts) “I don’t want to settle. I have a lot of love to give. He/she treats me like no one else. I feel special with the other person.”

The “offended spouse” often responds with increased or new romantic gestures. They fall flat.

At the core of this kind of affair is a deeply engrained belief that “romance” is the savior and benchmark of a great marriage or intimate relationship.

Here are some reflections on romance:

1. “Romance” is subtly touted in our culture (USA) as the ultimate experience in an intimate relationship.?Romance is idealized in movies and books as the ecstasy of being “in love.” We can’t get enough (hugely profitable grocery counter tabloids) of which “stars” are currently “in love” with whom. And, it often does not matter (really) if the are married. Oh gosh, to be like that, to experience that. Wouldn’t that be wonderful?

2. Romantic movies are often called “romantic comedies.” Ever wonder why they are so funny or why they should be? Or, at the other end, romantic movies are tragedies (Romeo and Juliet). How about the smaltzie “Bridges of Madison County” where the woman and man (Clint Eastwood) never get at the huge “emptiness” in their lives? Ever see a “real” romantic movie?

3. The search for romance whether through an affair or within our marriage often belies powerful personal needs. It has little to do with love and more to do with getting our personal needs met. Most of us have strong needs such as?to be acknowledged, adored, cared for or perhaps cherished. Another powerful need is to feel “special.” This is often the pattern for a man overindulged by his mother (forgive me for bringing in Freud) or a woman who was the “apple of her father’s eye,” yet was emotionally deprived in that relationship.

Romance becomes the vehicle through which these needs are supposedly met without needing to name those needs or talk about them. (Gosh, he/she knows what I want before I do – he/she can read my mind. He/she/we are special!)

Don’t get me wrong. Personal needs are ok. We all have them. Personal needs drive, often powerfully, what we go after. But, and this is a huge but, if we do not consciously name them and get them met once and for all (and that can be done!) they continue to drive us and we live perpetually in frustration, always wanting more.

Once we move beyond the merry-go-round of personal need meeting we discover our personal passion, our purpose and reach down and touch the essence of real joy and peace.

4. Romance is for mating. Sex (sexual union) is often the bottom line. The “chemistry” described in “romantic love” we are finding, is truly that – raw chemistry. Studies now show (just read this last week) that those “in love” have a high concentration of specific dorphins (chemicals) in their bodies. These are the chemicals found when animals are in “heat.”

I also believe that we run into 2-3 people in our life-time?where we experience this “chemistry.” I have no idea why this happens. There appears to be some attraction, based on a huge number of factors that stir our juices – literally. Interesting. But, doesn’t mean that I must jump into bed with this person. Maybe some animals do, however.

5. A person seeking romance is?often someone?looking for a high. They want? to feel good. They expect they should feel good. They believe they should jump on something that feels good. They want the pill, the drug, the retreat, the experience that will take away their pain, their emptiness, their loneliness and make them feel good. Of course, it is only temporary. The nagging pain continually emerges and their eternal search for quelling the storm within seeks a new substance.

So, should I forget the cards, the notes, the special events I plan secretly for him/her, the I love yous and be cold, frigid and distant?

Of course not. Please understand the temporary place of “romance” and the fact that your relationship longs for moments, days, weeks and years in which you declare your self more and more fully and welcome (sometimes with trepidation) the declarations of the other and together explore the depths of acceptance and heightened awareness (love) that moves beyond romance and knows no end.

My husband admitted to the affair, but yet he still continues to contact this person and has asked me to be patient. He said he will need to get her “out of his system” and to give him some time. How do you handle that?

My Response:

Ending the relationship with the OP is often a gradual process.

For example, in the 7th kind of affair I describe (I want to be close to someone…which means I can’t stand intimacy), ending the affair often takes time. Yes! No! On again! Off again is the scenario.

Affairs also lolly gag for those who are “in love”…and just love being “in love” or My Marriage Made me Do it.

So, in particular kinds of affairs, expect a roller coaster ride. You don’t have to like it. But be prepared. Breaking off an affair relationship, as in no more contact, may take weeks.

So, let’s assume this is your case. Here are a few things to do:

1. You are entitled to set some limits. Keep clarifying the limits, but don’t make them ultimatums. You don’t want to paint yourself into a corner, especially with this kind of affair. Experiment with phrases such as: “This is extremely difficult for me. I refuse to share you with another person. And, I know it is difficult for you. But, at some point I will draw a line in the sand.”

2. “Get at” the specific issues. Ask, “What does it mean to “get it out of your system?” What are a couple or three things you need to “get it out of your system?” (If he/she is open to this exploration, the prognosis is good.)

3. If he/she is reluctant to go there, throw out suggestions. “Is he/she controlling you?” (very often the case). “Does it feel good to be wanted by two people?” “Waffling like this seems to be theme in your life?” “Are you afraid to face the hurt? Are you afraid to lose something?” Allow your voice to trail at the end. Do not be dogmatic. Open the door for discussion.

4. See this as his/her problem. (I know! I know! Easier said than done!) Define your standards. Get your personal needs met. Begin to design the future for you. And tell him/her, “I would like to make it with you, but if not, I will certainly create something wonderful for me.”

5. Notice the changes in your relationship. Do you see a movement toward what you really want? Are patterns changing? Is their more effective, in-depth, heartfelt communication? Sometimes the larger picture is comforting.

6. Surround yourself with people who accept and listen to you. Friends/family often blurt out: Get rid of the #$%#$! They fail to understand the complexity and long-term process.

Remember, affairs are exceedingly complex and don’t go away easily. You will never forget, although the pain and memories fade over time. As well, it takes, on the average, 2-4 years for most couples to work through effectively the trauma.