Infidelity Discovered: Death without Dying – Part 6

July 17, 2008 by Leave a Comment

This is part 6 “Death without Dying.”

It summarizes the feelings and anguish of my good friend who came home from a business trip and was greeted at the door by his wife who said, “I’ve found someone else. I’m leaving.”

Here are more of his thoughts:

Can I ever feel gratitude for the thirty-three years? Or will I resent staying when the going was crazy, the behaviors wrong? Will I ever be grateful to myself for sticking with it for the sake of the girls, when now the bonds get reordered? We were not the perfect couple. I was not always happy. I suffered. I gave up opportunity. I experienced loss of much of my youth to assure that our imperfections would not permanently infect my kids. I didn’t always handle it the right way and acted out my unhappiness and punishments quietly, internally and externally. But never overtly. Perhaps that was wrong. As wrong as thinking you can change another person or their behavior. I can and do celebrate the team that was though. The end result of the daughters she raised. The business partnership that brought me much career success and adulation. The uncomplaining acceptance and accomplished performance of so many of the tasks that I didn’t like doing. She did good.

It’s in there somewhere. And it scares the hell out of me. It’s got to show its ugly face. And I want to be ready for it. Cause I know that I’m angry. I’m mad as hell. I’m genuinely pissed off. She has hurt me inappropriately, acted irrationally, disregarded my feelings and my values, has not acknowledged my love and devotion, has hurt my children and will hurt my mother, sisters and my few friends. How can that anger be directed to healing, to repair, to protection of the totally unknown future? Will I be ready when it strikes and be able to channel the anger productively, begin the process of forgiveness? I’m still in shock. But I know this train is coming. I just don’t know when it’s pulling into the station. And if it carries a bomb?My anger is not pretty. It’s a beach ball held under water that slips away, explodes through the surface, often surprising not only those around me, but taking me by surprise as well. What needs to happen for me to find peace?

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Does how you learn about your partner’s infidelity really matter?

July 14, 2008 by Leave a Comment

Researchers Afifi, Falato, and Weiner (2001) argue that the degree to which the knowledge about your partner’s infidelity is public and the degree to which your partner is able to make an immediate response are influential in shaping relationship outcomes. As such, listed from most threatening to least threatening, the following discovery methods are been identified:

• solicited third party discovery (i.e., you ask a neighbor and they confirm your suspicions),
• catching your partner ‘red handed’ (i.e., you walk in on your partner in the act),
• solicited discovery from your partner (i.e., you ask your partner and they confirm “yes, I have been with someone else”), and
• unsolicited discovery from a partner (i.e., without asking, your partner comes to you and says “I have to tell you something”)

What was found was that there are important links between the way you discover the information of your partner’s infidelity and relational outcomes. Specifically, the more threatening your discovery, the more negative your change in relationship quality, the more likely the relationship will deteriorate, and the harder it will be for you to forgive your partner.

So, how can you use this information?

1) When talking to your partner about your feelings concerning his or her affair, talk about your need to keep this a private matter in order to protect your public identity.
2) If you are the individual who engaged in the affair, keep in mind the “face saving” needs your partner may have and acknowledge that the way they discovered this information may have caused them both personal distress as well as public embarrassment.

Although these findings are broad, they stress the importance of the communication both prior to and after the discovery of these events.

Afifi, W. A., Falato, W. L., & Weiner, J. L. (2001). Identity concerns following a severe relational transgression: The role of discovery method for the relational outcomes of infidelity. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 18, 291-308.

This information was contributed by Allison R. Thorson ([email protected])

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Infidelity Resource: A Personal Story

June 13, 2008 by Leave a Comment

Writing can be cathartic and healing.

I recently received an e-mail from one of my readers stating that she had written about her experience with infidelity and put it into book form.

Here’s a segment from her book. If Nan’s style and content intrigues you, feel free to follow up…

“One Family’s Journey Through Emotional Infidelity.”

Worst Nightmare

When Ron finally went into the bedroom and turned the TV on after lashing out at Carol, Melissa asked her to go outside with her for a minute so they could talk. “Mom, something has to be done about him. I couldn’t believe he lost his temper like that. He hasn’t been the same since he started talking to that witch.” She grimaced.
Ron wanted his favorite salad dressing at dinner, which turned out to be behind something else in the refrigerator. Carol couldn’t see it and closing the door of the refrigerator went to look in the pantry. Ron rushed into the room and started yelling at her not to slam doors. She said she didn’t as she reached to open the pantry cupboard. He caught her off-guard when he tried to get her out of his way. By the time she and Melissa went outside, she had two lumps on her head, and the beginning of two black eyes. Ron had been in a bad mood since earlier in the day when Trish had caught up with him online. That was usually enough to put him in a foul mood for a couple of days. She knew how to push all the right buttons, and she wasn’t just doing it with Ron, but he couldn’t be convinced of that.
Things were quiet for the rest of the night, but Carol didn’t sleep. She sat up wondering what she was going to do. She was at a loss because she couldn’t talk to Ron about Trish. That usually ended up being disastrous. If he didn’t have anything to do with her for a while, she’d always find a way to start the contact again, and usually by guilt tripping him. He never discouraged her even though he knew how much it hurt Carol. The only person who seemed to be able to get through to him was Melissa. He’d never been close to his own daughter, and he and Melissa had always gotten along pretty well. She was one of the few people who could put him in his place without him losing his temper. At least until Trish came into the picture.

“One Family’s Journey Through Emotional Infidelity.” www.lulu.com/content/2610827

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