Watch this recent video that helps you identify YOUR specific strengths that will enable you to move more quickly and efficiently through the suffering and anguish you encounter with the infidelity.
Infidelity Dicovered: Death Without Dying – Part 7
July 21, 2008 by 1 Comment
This is last part of the “Death Without Dying” series.
Again, these are the powerful words of my friend who coming home from a business trip was greeted at the door by his wife who said, “I’ve met someboy. I’m leaving you.”
Absorb his journey…
“I’ve met somebody. I’m leaving you.†I don’t want to be the victim. And those around me will want to give me that position, like I’ve earned it or deserve it. It is a special place and sure as hell beats being the villain. But in my quest to control, to heal, to observe and create positive outcomes from this devastation, will I find my own guilt? Where have I acted without integrity or inconsistently with my values? What was my role in driving her not only into the arms, but the house of another man? Can I apologize with integrity to start a process of reparation? If I find my guilt, or if it finds me, can I forgive myself?
Can the torrent of pain be controlled with building dams and levees? Without the levee breaks causing floods of resentment, depression or resignation? Let me grieve my sorrow out and avoid the high emotional debt and interest penalty of the fog of depression that settles in just off shore. Can I focus on being effective and not worry about saving face?
Betrayal. Because I’m confused, I find it easy to interpret rather than identify and validate my hot and perpetual emotions. And this keeps the brain chewing this bone non-stop, trying to rationalize, trying to understand the irrational and inexplicable.
Can the world of possibilities be reopened? Can the possible replace the obligations, implied and inherited and a legacy. When anger pulls into the station will it pull resentment as its caboose? When it does, can forgiveness rush out to meet it? Can we be clear that forgiveness is not absolution of bad choices, bad decisions, wrong turns? Can it be a gentleman of integrity and truth and not a pretender? Am I strong enough to commit to living in this present moment?
“I’ve met somebody. I’m leaving you.†When I let go of it, will it let go of me? Will I ever find the freedom to respond openheartedly to any loss, to any love, to any dream? Will it mean denial of the grief or the pain? When who I am is who I was, where does this leave the who I’m going to be?
Cold. Dark. A heaviness on an empty chest. Buried in grief. Waiting through the mourning for morning.
Infidelity: How Children Know
July 18, 2008 by Leave a Comment
Does how you learn about your family member’s infidelity really matter? – it depends…
Researchers have found important links between the way you discover the information of your partner’s infidelity and relational outcomes – but these same findings are not consistent for a child’s discovery of his or her parent’s infidelity. In my study on children’s discovery methods, I found that children often learned the information of their parent’s infidelity in one of five ways:
• From the parent who engaged in infidelity,
• From a family member (i.e., not the parent who engaged in infidelity),
• From a third party (i.e., a non-family member),
• Explicitly (i.e., During a one-time event in which the child found or overheard something they were not supposed to find or hear that let them know, without a doubt, that infidelity was occurring or had occurred), or
•Incrementally (They had an intuition or suspicion and saw or heard information over a long period of time which they were not intended to hear or see that led them to know this occurred).
When comparing each group of individuals to each other (discovery from the parent vs. incrementally, as so on…) no broad trends emerged. Otherwise said, there was not one group which reported significantly higher levels of satisfaction with their parent than another.
So, how can you use this information?
1) If you have not discussed your infidelity or your partner’s infidelity with your child, do not assume that they are unaware that these events occurred. Children often know much more about their parents’ relationship than for which they are given credit.
2) If you choose not to bring up this topic with your child, be prepared for them to come to you and ask questions. Although this conversation may never take place, you should think about what you are going to say beforehand.
This information was contributed by Allison R. Thorson. For more information, feel free to contact her at [email protected]
Thorson, A. R. (2008, November). The Influence of Discovery Method on Relational Outcomes: A Study of Parental Infidelity. Top student paper to be presented to the Interpersonal Communication Division at the annual meeting of the National Communication Association, San Diego, CA.