Healing from The Extramarital Affair

February 21, 2009 by 3 Comments

Where does the problem lie when one has an extramarital affair?

It is extremely common for the “wounded spouse” to question his/her adequacy and engage in a myriad of what ifs… what if I did this.. or that.

Part of the healing from an extramarital affair comes when the wounded spouse realizes that s/he is not at fault. That there was in reality probably little s/he could have done to prevent the extramarital affair.

For example, read the responses below to my survey question on my e-course.

1. How has this E-course helped you change the way you feel, think and act as you face infidelity. Give examples, if you can.

It has helped me word my thoughts better and has also made me understand that some of the things I may be doing and saying is hindering our recovery.

I have shifted focus onto myself instead of letting his affair consume my every thought. I have come to realize that the fact that he had an affair was his choice in dealing with his inability to communicate how he was feeling to me and had nothing to do with me. I am okay most of the time and feel a calm within myself. I have found your information very empowering. Also having the chance to read and discuss thoughts with others experiencing the same feelings has been great.

It has helped me realize that I am not the problem and that I must take care of my needs.

I have benefited from the information personally more than with my spouse. Unfortunately he did leave our home, me and our three boys over a year ago and is living in the house with the woman that he is involved with and her two boys. I haven’t discussed anything about our relationship with him for about two-three weeks because I realize after reading your info I have been doing things all wrong . I was trying to save the marriage with questions and working at fixing things, I know now that it hasn’t helped. I do feel more peace after reading Break free and recieving tha emails , but I do really deep down miss him , our boys miss him and I do still feel that their is a marriage to save, he is really carrying alot of guilt and unworthiness. I have learned that our marriage wasn’t really the problem, his own insecurities are what drove him away.

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Healing from the Affair: I’m Okay

February 15, 2009 by Leave a Comment

If there is one key element in healing from the affair or infidelity in your marriage it’s arriving emotionally and mentally to the realization that you are Okay.

Knowing and feeling that you have value and worth, in extraordinary degrees, apart from your cheating husband or spouse, gives you the foundation to employ specific, targeted strategies that stand the best chance of healing from the affair and perhaps saving the marriage.

Read what this person says:

You validated so many of my feelings. I felt totally lost. Using the charge neutral method, I probably saved us from falling completely apart. I did feel more in control, and my husband (the cheater) actually didn’t know what to say or how to react. I also had to get rid of my anger as it was indeed very destructive. I don’t ever want to feel that bad again. By doing that, I am able to see things much more clearly, enjoy my children more, and cope with my husband better. He is nowhere near at my stage. We are probably the worst case scenario in your affair list. While we crossover into some of the others, the first one describes us the best. He has started to read some of the ebook materials, and is at least reading right now. It isn’t going to be easy, and I don’t know if it will work out. I love my husband, but I am definitely not in love with him right now. While I have to accept what he has done, I am definitely not ready to forgive him. Some days are good, some days I am rattled to my core. But remembering to continue to charge neutral, I survive much better and stay in control of me. I realize I must make changes in myself, but I cannot force him to change. I do feel more peace in myself, although that may sound crazy. We went away 3 days after I found out about the affair (after months of asking him), and that too probably kept us from coming completely apart. We had a scheduled family vacation, but went alone and left our children (20, 18, 15) home, which if nothing else was the best thing we could have ever done for them. They relied on each other, and didn’t have to see their Dad for a bit. I made him take responsibility and tell the kids what he had done. Honesty feels good, and we haven’t had much of that. We talked for hours on end while we were away, and actually had a good time. Sounds strange doesn’t it?! Unfortunately we had to come back to reality, but at least I see there may be something to save. Thanks for being on the web. I googled and found your sight and if I hadn’t-I know where I would be right now.

Filed Under: Infidelity Help Tagged With: , ,

Dealing with the Affair: Finding Peace

February 13, 2009 by Leave a Comment

Much of dealing with the affair is finding a sense of peace in the midst of the craziness. And, from this core of peace, you can act, rather than react. The capacity to act rather than react forms the foundation for successfully dealing with infidelity and accelerating the healing process.

Read what this person says:

You validated so many of my feelings. I felt totally lost. Using the charge neutral method, I probably saved us from falling completely apart. I did feel more in control, and my husband (the cheater) actually didn’t know what to say or how to react. I also had to get rid of my anger as it was indeed very destructive. I don’t ever want to feel that bad again. By doing that, I am able to see things much more clearly, enjoy my children more, and cope with my husband better. He is nowhere near at my stage. We are probably the worst case scenario in your affair list. While we crossover into some of the others, the first one describes us the best. He has started to read some of the ebook materials, and is at least reading right now. It isn’t going to be easy, and I don’t know if it will work out. I love my husband, but I am definitely not in love with him right now. While I have to accept what he has done, I am definitely not ready to forgive him. Some days are good, some days I am rattled to my core. But remembering to continue to charge neutral, I survive much better and stay in control of me. I realize I must make changes in myself, but I cannot force him to change. I do feel more peace in myself, although that may sound crazy. We went away 3 days after I found out about the affair (after months of asking him), and that too probably kept us from coming completely apart. We had a scheduled family vacation, but went alone and left our children (20, 18, 15) home, which if nothing else was the best thing we could have ever done for them. They relied on each other, and didn’t have to see their Dad for a bit. I made him take responsibility and tell the kids what he had done. Honesty feels good, and we haven’t had much of that. We talked for hours on end while we were away, and actually had a good time. Sounds strange doesn’t it?! Unfortunately we had to come back to reality, but at least I see there may be something to save. Thanks for being on the web. I googled and found your sight and if I hadn’t-I know where I would be right now.

Filed Under: Infidelity Help Tagged With: ,
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