Breaking Free From the Ambivalence

This person describes the “I Love You, Stay Away From Me” theme that is often characteristic in psychological language with the “Borderline” personality. “Borderlines” find it difficult to change, especially if the patterns are deeply ingrained.

Read how she managed to break free:

1. How has this E-course helped you change the way you feel, think and act as you face infidelity. Give examples, if you can.

Yes, it definitely has been one of my lifelines during the past year as I try to deal with the sudden shock of an affair. The most important thing I have learned from you Dr. Huizenga, is that I have to focus on myself. A door was opened for me to look into my own soul, my own heart. I tried to avoid that for so long, but once I started there is no turning back. Being honest with myself just feels so darn good! I have finally reached the conclusion to end the relationship that I was in because it was unhealthy for me. I probably knew that subconsciously for the past 10 years or more, but I never wanted to face it. I just accepted his “love me – I need you – get away from me” type of love as what I deserved. I got used to the great joy and passion that came around when he got back into the I need you stage. It was a rush for me to be needed and loved so deeply. However, when he pushed me away I always crashed. I allowed him to humiliate me and reject me for the last time. The strength I have gained from reading your material and your emails over and over and over again has helped me to know that I am worth so much more. I have so much more to offer a man who is capable of accepting my love. I deserve to be happy, and I deserve to be loved. My greatest fear was that I was not worthy of being loved. You have helped me find my inner core – my strength – my love for myself. Once I saw the reality of who he is, the decision to leave became a no-brainer. Funny that I couldn’t see that reality for the past 17 years!

2. What unanswered questions do you have at this point as you cope with infidelity?

Why did it take me 14 months after finding out about the affair to finally get over him? Was that longer than usual? I felt like it was. I felt like I was too damaged to heal quickly. One day after about a year I felt the tiny incklings of healing, and then there was no stopping me. But during the past 14 months I had to still try to prove to him that I had not run away, I was committed to him, I believed in him and me. There was something in me that had to prove I wasn’t a failure at love. I had to prove to myself that I wasn’t selfish and a quitter like my father and my husband accused me of. I thought it would be so selfish to make the decision to leave – but in the end thinking about myself and making a decision for myself has released me from all the anger and most of the pain. I think that is what will help me in dealing with my kids, my family, and the next man in my life. They don’t have to suffer from the pain and anger I carried for so long and took out on everyone – even though I never intended to. Making a decision to leave has increased my own self esteem, but it had to be when I was ready. I guess maybe I just answered my own question about why it took so long for me to get healthy and to decide to leave. It was only after I could take an honest look at my own heart and soul and believe that I would survive that I could decide what it right for me. Thank you Dr. Huizanga – you have honestly been one of my angels and a life saver for me. (And I found your site quite “by accident”.) But there are no coincidences in life. God Bless You.

Infidelity Discovery: Like a Frog in Boiling Water

Discovering infidelity in one’s marriage can be a surreal experience.

This readers expresses her journey in coping with infidelity:

I have been the frog in water that doesn’t realize that the water is boiling until it is too late. I know that I can’t change him, but I also know the man he was before all of this started. He has been having the rage/revenge affair. She has lied to him over and over about me, because she was also my best friend. She is a widow and has two children to support. She has played on his sympathies. He doesn’t see the truth, and I can’t make him see the truth. I have been charging neutral ever since I read your book and it has helped tremendously. I made so many mistakes in the beginning, that I can’t even begin to count them. The pain of this double betrayal has been my undoing. It has put me in a position that I never could have ever imagined for my life and the life of my child. Ever since I stood up to him that night, there have been no more confrontations at all. I confronted him with proof positive and it shocked him to the core. I know that he continues to communicate with her, but not on the same level as before. There are other things that I did not tell you before either. She physically attacked me one night in our business because they were both drunk and I told them that it was time to go home. He defended her and tried to physically throw me out of here. I took a good beating. I should have called the police, but I felt sorry for my daughter and her kids. (My daughter witnessed the entire scene.) I left of my own accord, because I felt sorry for my daughter. I should have left then, but there is so much on the line because we have a business together and our property is on the market for quite a tidy sum. Attorneys have advised that I not leave until that is taken care of. In the mean time, I have learned to charge neutral. I also do not think that it is fair for my daughter to be uprooted from her school and home because he refuses to leave. In short, I can’t believe that this is my life, but I know in my heart that this is not my fault. It has everything to do with him and very little to do with me. I learned that from your book. Thank you so much for all you do. You have no idea how I wait every day in anitcipation for your emails. Your book helped me to take control of a very out of control situation!!

Healing From Infidelity

What defines the moments when healing, shifts and changes take place in the healing process for infidelity?

My readers often give clues.

Read what these readers say as they move through the healing process of infidelity:

****Everything you said NOT to do (in my Killer Mistakes E-course), I did, or worst, my adult children did. It had the negative effects you said it would. When emotions come out they don’t make much sense at first. Now, we are breaking the ice a little. Real feelings have come out and honesty at last. I told him that I don’t want him to lose his children, grandchildren and I don’t want to lose him as a person. He wants that too. My son sent him a very long email that was so beautiful that it finally moved him to see others’ feelings. When you are having an affair, apparently you can only think of yourself and what you think you have lost in life. Maybe he can start to see that no one would have been this hurt if they didn’t have a lot of love. I think that forest was always there but the trees failed to embrace him.

****It’s (Ecourse) helped me realize that there wasn’t anything I have done wrong, I had a healthy self esteem, but my husband is a repeat offender who doesn’t seem to have the will to stop, so I know it isn’t all in my head.

*****(Ecourse) Made me realize I wasn’t crazy! Also helped me move to a point where I think that whilst I would prefer to stay in my marriage if that would work I can also quite happily make a life on my own which I never felt before. It has helped me enormously in stopping feeling a victim and at somehow guilty of causing the affair.