Affair Details: Reasons Why They Are Kept From You

When you discover that your partner is or was involved in an extramarital affair, it becomes important to you to know all the details you can find out about it. This is never as simple, though, as asking questions and your partner giving answers, especially if your partner is intent on keeping this information from you.

One of the most common reasons why the offending partner becomes tight-lipped about the details of the affair is because he is afraid of how you and even the other person would react. Your partner’s feelings depend greatly on how other people respond or react to him and his actions. So if he feels that you will respond in a negative way, or if he thinks that knowing the details will only hurt you, he would keep things to himself rather than share them with you.

Another possible reason why he keeps from opening up is the complete opposite of the first one – that is, he doesn’t care about your needs and only cares about his own. If your partner’s affair is of the “I don’t want to say no” type, he is usually too caught up in his own life and could not be bothered with your requests for answers and details.

Men and Counseling: Why Don’t They Mix?

It shouldn’t be a surprise to know that women are more open about going to counseling and therapy when trying to work on the marriage, especially after infidelity occurs. It is common knowledge that men aren’t really into talking a problem out and that they only go through it because they feel that they have to.

Here are some of the most common themes that reoccur in a lot of different cases:

1. Men usually keep things to themselves. They don’t talk about their problems or their feelings or their thoughts unless they feel they have to. They internalize, think about their problems and issues by themselves, and aren’t all that happy about having to share their feelings with others.

2. Men don’t over-analyze. They look at the problem as what it is, think of solutions to that problem, and execute that solution. If one solution doesn’t work, they try out another. They don’t see the point of going to counseling to find a solution when you can find the solution yourself.

3. Men tend to believe and stick to the notion that they are incapable of expressing their feelings and thoughts, which is what they think therapy and counseling is all about. They think that women are the experts on that area, and they don’t want to seem inadequate.

Identifying Barriers to Rebuild the Marriage

There are plenty of couples who decide to stay together after infidelity and make the marriage work. But making the decision to do so is different from actually doing it, and most couples find themselves having a hard time moving forward.

Where the marriage will go after infidelity and how it will get there depends greatly on you and your partner’s individual emotional and cognitive barriers. These barriers could range from a simple case of a fear of being rejected or ridiculed, especially on the offender’s side, to a number of other issues you could be going through but are too afraid to share.

If you find yourself having difficulty in moving forward from infidelity, try this exercise and list down the barriers you think are keeping you from moving on. Identifying these barriers are a good way to finding out what specific concerns you are having issues with, and it will take you a step closer to rebuilding your marriage.

Share this list with your partner and tell him or her to the exercise as well. Being able to open up with your partner about whatever barriers or issues you are having is a great way to start fixing your problems and your marriage. Doing this with your partner will lead to a lot of progress in the long run.