Infidelity: Clarity and Words

October 26, 2008 by Leave a Comment

Infidelity: Getting clarity and Words

What is most helpful in moving through the pain and infidelity.

Two words come to mind: clarity and Words.

Once one begins to see the patterns and begins to make distinctions between different actions of self, spouse and the other person, the fog clears.

Also finding the powerful, on-target and relevant words to express at the right time is terribly empowering.

Listen to what some of my coaching clients say as they move through the agony of infidelity”

>>>>>The (coaching) session was helpful in that it did help me understand what I really want and need to say to my wife now. You also helped me accept that it is okay to shed my feelings of guilt for causing the affair. Thank you.

>>>>>Dr H is very able to quickly asses the situation and sum it up for you in clear language. I am sometimes mired in my situation and unable to see above or beyond my circumstances. His analysis helped me. He has enough experience with this topic to have developed a whole library of phrases that allow me to communicate to my partner concisely what I mean without threats or anger.

>>>>>Wonderful validation. Pointed out questions I could be asking at this point in our moving on process.

More more info on infidelity coaching is available if you are interested.

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Marital Infidelity and It’s Pain: You are not Alone

October 22, 2008 by 1 Comment

I hear over and over again of the pain one slams into when confronted with infidelity.

And, if that isn’t enough, most think either in the front of their mind or in the back, that something is wrong with them. They shouldn’t be feeling the agony they feel.

If you feel the pain and struggle with your mind, you are not alone.

Listen to these case studies as two people respond to my question:

1. List 3 or 4 meanings that your partner’s affair has for you. That is to say, what impact is the infidelity having upon YOU? For example, how has is changed what you think about? how you spend your time? how you think of yourself? etc? Tell a story or give examples of how your life is now different.

1 – Think about it all the time. Hard time thinking about ANYTHING else
2 – Go from sad and crying to mean and mad several times per day
3 – Think of ways to keep busy so I won’t have to think about IT
4 – Hard time trying to stay happy about life
5 – Want to know what will happen NOW, don’t want to wait – impatient

I am hurt, lonely, devastated, stressed, insecure, self esteem is shot and nervous about everything in my life. I have lost so much weight, my hair fell out at a rate of unbelief but I feel great and look wonderful but my mind goes 24/7 and I feel out of control with thoughts about what he said to me. “I like her and she likes me and it’s all about the sex but I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you”, he lies and cheats and I am in a box. What kind of sex is he having I ask myself since he said our sex life was great, I just do not understand and never will. I cannot afford to leave at this time and I do nothing but cook for myself clean house and do the yard work. I don’t mind but I miss the conversation, sharing, intimacy and fun we use to have and it’s hard to start over at 59 I am out of the game so to speak he is 52 and his new mate is 30 and understands him and he can talk to her, he broke the bond and everything in his life changed including him, the way he talks to me is just awful. I get no pleasure out of looking at him as I see a different person and not the man I fell in love with he is angry, hateful, rude and uncaring about everything and he does not like himself and feels no remorse or guilt and that is hard to swallow for me. I am bored out of my mind I do not have allot of friends and my family is so far away and I just feel lost without him as I always felt in my heart he was my one and only life time partner. I will get through this and be on my way as soon as the property sells and I will start fresh and have a great life that I deserve and maybe even someone to share it with. I am not a needy person just sad about the whole thing. My heart is just broke and I feel cheated of 18 years of my life!!!! Thanks for listening.

Sometimes it’s helpful to talk it through in a supportive affirming environment. Check out infidelity coaching.

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Infidelity Coaching: The Power of Telling Your Story

October 19, 2008 by Leave a Comment

Infidelity coaching offers the opportunity to speak, to speak in ways that you probably never spoke before to someone with whom you feel extraordinarily safe. Think about that for a minute.

Powerful.

About a year ago I offered 15 minute free consultations to my Newsletter readers. (I may do that again someday – if I find the time!)

Here are some of their responses:

Talking to Dr Bob I not only managed to identify the type of affair I am dealing with but also the question that’s really bothering me – what do I want out of this? I was so wrapped up in what I was afraid might happen and “what if I go through this for nothing and it happens again” that I wasn’t looking at what I WANTED to happen, what I valued about my marriage before this episode. I feel renewed hope and a new strength to tackle what’s happening in my life.

I enjoyed talking to the expert! I gained the strength to try a new strategy, though I still feel like it’s too late to make a difference.

While I have tried to be positive all of my life one important factor that came out was your comment about me having my head in the sand. At first I was defensive but the more I think about it perhaps it has been my “wishful thinking” (the glass is half full, things will get better…) I have learned a very valuable lesson and I can guarantee you that “this” will not happen to me again (fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me). Another important issue that I got out of our conversation was the confirmation that while my wife denies this and says that she has no feelings, I know that she still has very deep feelings for me – unfortunately these feelings are not positive and include resentment, disappointment for not meeting her expectations etc. She has had a “wall” up for quite some time now. I honestly believe that she still has positive feelings (every once in a while something sneaks out) but the resentment wall is so tall and wide that these positive feelings may never come through. I certainly have no intention of forcing anything but this conversation has reinforced my resolution that we need to separate for a while and give us both time to regroup. I am convinced that I cannot live like this and we need to talk about the realities of going our separate ways. My intentions are not to be manipulative or to force her to do anything. I have honestly tried to accept my responsibility for our current situation and improve me for my sake not hers – unfortunately she has not. I honestly believe that we both need to want to change and if there is no desire then we would both be much better off apart.

Want to check out infidelity coaching?

Filed Under: Infidelity Coaching Tagged With: , ,
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