After the Affair: Blame and Avoidance

October 15, 2008 by 1 Comment

When the affair is over, IT’s not over. Read what these readers say about dealing with the aftermath of an affair. How do you think you would deal with the issue of blame and projection?

1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?

My spouse ended the affair as soon as he got caught. Over the past couple of years, he has managed (with the “help” of a therapist) to come up with more an more ways that I am to blame for everything wrong with our relationship. So, I did 10,000 bad things and he did one bad thing.

Says the affair is ‘no biggie’ and has never said sorry. Says I’m ‘touched in the head’ any time I question him further

Accused of being controlling regarding finances and spending. Not acting super-attentive to his needs the way I did while we were courting/right after we got married, including wearing makeup and dressing up for him daily (I’m a housewife). Sharing household responsibilities with our five children (aged 21 to 9) instead of doing it all by myself; for example, “You never do ANYTHING around the house anymore”. Every little thing that goes wrong is completely my fault. I can’t take a joke anymore. I complain too much.

I, after 33 years of being a great cook could no longer cook good, nor was I able to think of anything “new” to make for dinner. What HE enjoyed before HE no longer enjoyed now. I faced a new “short fused temper” and was made to feel that I could no longer talk about the things we spoke of before the affair without meeting a blatant opposition of opinions, whereas before the affair we were in agreement. I faced a demeamor of He feeling he was “single” and no longer had to answer to me when I asked where he was going, and if he did give me an answer, it was a lie.

My husband claims that I should “get over” his affair and “move on.” He is “tired of talking about it” but will not do the things necessary to help me move on. He claims that when I became aware that he was “behaving badly” (his term for being unfaithful) I should have altered my behavior.

Filed Under: Infidelity and Tolerations Tagged With: , ,

Dealing with Infidelity Through Harsh Consequences

October 11, 2008 by Leave a Comment

The “I Can’t Say No” affair often takes place with someone who suffers from inner compulsions, low self-esteem and a tendency to denial the destructiveness of his/her behavior.

As well, the spouse is often the projected target of anger.

Listen to how these readers dealt with the abuse and anger when I ask:
What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing? and 2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?

Person #1:

Name calling, saying insulting thing about me and my family, blaming me for all his problems, his drinking all weekend and some day during the week.

Taking a stand and separating myself from him emotionally, not talking to him.

Person #2:

No matter what I do or say its never good enough.

Stop. Leave. To calmly point out I agree to disagree

Person #3:

I discovered texts from the other woman to him and from him to her on his phone. He had already admitted the affair – following a polygraph – so this was not a significant find. However it was contact that had taken place between them since the affair had been discovered and since he had promised to end all contact with her. I got the feeling that he was most angry because he was not able to remain on his ‘high horse’ and was revealed to be exactly what he was – no good. He seemed angry because he this find took away his control of how he could portray the affair and himself. He flew into a rage and became very physically violent – he was never like this during the marriage.

After the attack I told him that if he ever did it again I would phone the police. I told him that he was no longer allowed in the house. I stuck to my guns on this, and he was not allowed to set foot back in the house for two months. Now he does come in to the house to see my son, but the violence has not recurred. I really think that alot of the time these men need to receive harsh consequences. I left my husband and started dating. I’ve told him that if he can remain celibate for two years and prove it with a polygraph test I may be able to trust him again and take him back in two years. He is doing all he can to prove himself to me. These type of harsh consequences really do work wonders. They also allow the faithful spouse to move on with their life.

Filed Under: Infidelity and Tolerations Tagged With: , ,

The Infidelity Trap

October 9, 2008 by Leave a Comment

One can feel trapped, stuck, hitting a brick wall and fearfully paralyzed with trying to cope with and survive infidelity.

Read what some of my readers say about what they tolerate and find difficult to stop putting up with:

>>>being isolated from friends
>>>being ordered to do things at certain times
>>>have no life
>>>Tolerating his openly carrying on the affair in front of me and the children.
>>>His immaturity and bullying when confronted by me is laughed at by him.
>>>He is trying to control everything and expects me to carry on as before. >>>His nasty, aggressive, demeaning and not consistent in what he says.
<<>>Definitely he came home late (or early) around 5 or 6 a.m. when kids were getting up for school.
>>>Lies, lies and more lies!
>>>always secretly sneaking out of the house to make phone calls or when on computer he would huddle up as if to try and block the screen.
>>>threats of divorce
>>>rage
>>>gossip
>>>lack of sex and intimacy
>>>distrust
>>>Avoidance of the situation, not wanting to bring it up or talk unless I do -then it’s a fight, blaming me for his affair
>>>Excuses to get out of the house and getting home a bit too late but calls first
>>>Knowing he was just with her – instinctively
>>>Hidden cell phone
>>>Him trying to act like nothing is wrong-thinks we can go out together for dinner, movie
>>>Finding daily calls to the other woman every minute he gets
>>>Trying to make obligatory conversation and says he starts 90% of the conversations
>>>Telling me he loves me and doesn’t want to leave or end marriage and >>>everything I say or do that I’ve learned in therapy bothers the hell out of him (calls what I say ‘phsyco babble’)

Filed Under: Infidelity and Tolerations Tagged With: , ,
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