Healing from Infidelity: Boundaries

December 17, 2008 by Leave a Comment

In this case study we examine the issue how to deal with disrespect and criticism. She attempts to remedy a difficult situation by setting appropriate boundaries.

1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?

Initially, my husband blamed me for his affair saying I worked too many hours, abandoned him and the family, didn’t love him, didn’t make him the center of my universe like the OP, didn’t support him in his job, was too controlling, had too many rules, was manipulative. He also accused me of having an affair myself or said I would have an affair if I didn’t already. He searched and searched but found no evidence of such an affair, because there was none. Since our recent separation, he now uses the kids as a way to criticize me..saying I will turn the kids against him, that I talk too much about our marital problems, am to emotional and upset the kids, I am keeping the kids from seeing him because I won’t let him hang out at our house. He makes plans with the kids and does not inform me until right before they leave, showing up unexpectedly and surprising me. He takes the kids on trips and doesn’t inform of exactly where they are going and when they’ll be back. He comes in our house when I am not home or barges in unexpectedly on the premise of needing to get something. At my sons soccer games, he will stand right behind me the whole time even though I have indicated I don’t want to be seated near him at kids events. I can’t always move because our other son is with him and I don’t want to seem like I am ignoring our son.

2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?

What has worked best is shutting down all communication except to discuss the kids or money. I have requested that most communications be in the form of text or email. I have asked him to leave our home when I am home because he makes me uncomfortable being there. I sit away from him at the kids events. I make little to no eye contact. I am working on my own self esteem and self care so that as I go stronger, I am starting to recognize the disrespect when it is leveled at me,so that I can not buy into it and fight back verbally when it happens. The hardest part is recognizing how my husband’s disrespect of me is playing out with my sons disrespect of me. I am setting boundaries with them and demanding that they treat me with respect. It is much easier now that I am alone and don’t have my husband in the home to undermine the moral climate I am trying to maintain in the home. .I have set up expectations for my sons behavior and communications with me and established consequences for noncompliance. I am trying to be less of a doormat. As I start to create and fight for my own life, instead of living and doing for everybody else first, denying my own needs, I am gaining respect of my family. I need to respect myself before anyone else can respect me.

Filed Under: Infidelity and Tolerations Tagged With: ,

Tolerating Infidelity: What is REALLY Bad?

December 9, 2008 by Leave a Comment

How much does a person tolerate or put up with concerning the destructive behavior of a cheating spouse?

There is no clear cut answer. However, I use some guidelines. Look at three factors:

1. How frequent is the destructive behavior?
2. How intense is the destructive behavior when it happens?
3. Does the person exhibit any desire and/or capacity to begin changing those behaviors?

Here’s a case study of a person working on affair recovery. Is she doing ok? What would you do differently?

Case study:

1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?

Withholding of affection, dirty looks, implied criticism, impatience, and then being accused of all the things above which HE is doing. Sex is brief and selfish, resentment is ever-present, and he indulges in rage/tantrums if I ask him what’s going on NOW.

2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?

I pick up and leave the house, go do some errands or whatever, return after an hour or so, and ask him if he wants to leave, or should I? Then he will talk and say what’s “really” on his mind, which is always some thing that he has in his head that I should to make things all better, but am not doing. If I’m not doing it, it’s because it’s not sensible, or I have a very good reason for not doing it, and then I have to tell him that and then he seems to get it for a while and becomes “nice,” which will last until he gets the next idea that he won’t disclose so that we can fully communicate what’s going on about it. Just neurotic and rather boring. If he had gone off with the OP, she would have to put up with this crap instead of me. That would be justice. Too bad she can’t afford him and I’m stuck with him. It’s up to him to get his crap together, and I let him know that, and try to give him a safe space to do that in without taking too much disrespect. Honestly, when will he quit acting out his childhood? I taught him EFT in hopes he would use it when he feels his hysteria coming on. Maybe he’ll use it and maybe it’ll help. Or I could do it for him in surrogate fashion. That would be ironic. At least it helps me in “charging neutral.” But my health is getting delicate, as I am worn out with all his antics and drama. I don’t/can’t care all that much any more. If someone DOESN’T want you to love them very much, if any, THEY are screwed up. A love diet is not what I want, nor do I want to be his momma. What a turn-off. I chose badly, and now here we are. Trying to make the best of it. Not what I had in mind, but ok if it works out.

Filed Under: Infidelity and Tolerations Tagged With: , ,

Coping with Infidelity: Not Alone in Tolerations

November 11, 2008 by Leave a Comment

Not sure whether to stay or go?

Not sure how much you can tolerate, but find yourself putting up with much?

Feel weird, strange, like you are a little crazy for being where you are?

Fear not. You are not alone.

Because of your investment in your family and relationship, you most likely will tolerate more than you thought.

Note this list of what others coping with infidelity tolerate:

1. My husband lies to me constantly about phones calls, money, cell phone messages, his relationships with other women. I can’t trust him anymore. 2. Poor money management, he doesn’t pay his fair share of the financial responsibilities and he makes more money than I do. Is it because he is giving money to the other women>? 3. When I find out about yet another indiscretion, he try make me feel like it is my fault, like I did something wrong. 4. My husband doesn’t any show remorse. 5. He doesn’t recognize how his choices have impacted our life.

1) Text messages and the giggles that follow. 2) coming home late. 3) The voice in the background especially when she is alone in her car. 4) hostility. 5) The fact that she knows that she is taking advantage of me but does not care.

Spouse continuing with the affair. Talking/messaging on cell phone and admitting that he is doing it. Sending presents every month. Anger, when I raise the issue of him moving out. Constant rejection in that fact that he sleeps in the other bedroom.

privately talking on cellphones deleted text message and call history always out everyday sometimes very late no time for home and unaware of it

1. Denying that he is having an affair. 2. Having 2 cellphones. One I know about and the other one I’m not suppose to know about. 3. When I call him on his cell phone, he takes a while to answer. His excuse is his phone was charging. 4. He will not admit that he is cheating. 5. He had a number of blocked numbers on his cell phone bill. I found out the numbers but he never admitted that he was cheating. 5. He uses the pay phone to call hi women.

Filed Under: Infidelity and Tolerations Tagged With: , ,
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