Stuck in the Triangle after Confronting the Other Woman

May 21, 2009 by Leave a Comment

When confronting the other person always keep in the front of your mind the triangle – you, your spouse and the other person. You are not merely confronting the other person; you are confronting the dynamics of the triangle.

Confronting the other person brings the affair front and center. No more hiding – the fact of the affair, at least.

However, confronting may not change the dynamics of the triangle. Over time, the dynamics of the triangle may stabilize and the three parties live with an “unspoken agreement” to co-exist due to a variety of personal needs, as in the case study below.

In the case study, the responsibility for telling the other person to “back off” lies with the husband. He refuses.

In refusing, he either ignores the needs and pain of his spouse or he rides roughshod over them with perhaps passive aggressive behavior.

A strategy for this wounded wife to become “unstuck” is to mercilessly and relentlessly confront her husband with her pain, her personal needs, and her definition of emotional entanglement, as well as elicit from him his personal needs in regards to the third party.

The wounded spouse does this, of course, by charging neutral.

Case Study:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

To tell her to back off. My husband and I wanted to sort out our marriage, but with them still being partners together she was with him all the time, and she kept discussing all her personal issues with him which I wanted her to stop.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

She first said she would back off as she did not want to be the cause of a marriage breakup, and that if my husband left me then it would be because he wanted to and there was nothing left to work on and not because of her. But as time went by she still talks to him about all her problems in life and even though its nearly two yrs down the line and the affair is over they still have a very emotional connection that I cannot get my husband to understand cannot be. But she also does not stop.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I don’t know how i would do it differently, but yes I would do it again, as every now and then I still mail her and say she is going too far, but she now just ignores me and does what she wants, and they still work together every day. What did I learn – that is does help to get nasty with the other person no matter what anyone tells you and it still gives me joy when I contact her that at least she knows my husband is telling me what she tells him, and that now matter what she will not stop telling my hubby all her personal issues and my hubby does not tell her either to stop talking about it, so I either have to live with it or give up 24yrs of marraige.

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Needing a Script to Confront the Other Woman

May 18, 2009 by Leave a Comment

Confronting the other woman as a reaction, as an attempt to vent one’s hostility, to flail at the other woman usually does not work.

You may feel better, empowered, as some say, but to get a desired, targeted response is problematic.

Creating a script before hand and rehearsing that script offers the best opportunity to stand back and effectively confront the other person, getting the desired response.

These two case studies illustrate this point:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do

She used to be one of my closest friends. I had tried to maintain some bit of a friendship after discovering their emotional affair (they had “only” held hands and kissed for 3 years!) but she had continued to pursue my partner. I asked her to explain what she was up to – probably in a more hostile manner than I intended when I decided to do it.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

She said she had nothing to explain. He was the one doing all the running. I was being unfair. They “didn’t do anything”, just had a “special friendship” and “everyone has a right to their secrets”.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I would have stayed calmer and worked out a script in advance. Or, I wouldn’t have done it at all. I think I just fed her drama queen hunger and I was left feeling worse – and less secure – than before.

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I never met her but sent some very angry emails. I didn’t know what to do with my rage. (the only time I’d felt it…what a horrible emotion. There was only one that I’d send over again which was “You are a fool. If I can’t trust him after 25 years, what makes you think you can?” My others were impulsive and mistakes.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

It brought the two of them closer giving them common ground.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

Altho I doubt it was possible, I learned I should not have been contacting either my husband or his “soulmate”. (Yuck). Looking back…I was fueling the situation.

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Confronting the Other Woman: Are You Ready?

May 14, 2009 by Leave a Comment

Are you ready?

This case study reveals how important it is to be ready for any response you might receive from the ow (other woman.)

When you confront the other woman, are you ready to hear from her about the “perfection” of her relationship with your husband. will that haunt you or can you reframe her description as the spouse below was able to do?

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

To get her to accept the fact that my husband chose to save the marriage. She lives in another country so I confronted her by email. I said that she must respect his wishes if she truly has or had feelings for him. And if she was such a very important person in his life, he would have chose her over me. Its time for her to back off and stop calling to reconnect with him. And the fact that he lied to her as well and made promises that he could not keep. And both of them lived in a fantasy that never would have had a good outcome. I said that you cannot build a new and healthy relationship on a broken marriage and a family had has been destroyed by infidelity. The foundation is full of lies and deceit and would eventually destroy the new relationship that started out of the affair. I also said that I do not know her and I do not know if she has her own motives for the affair. And that I was not willing to hand him over to her on a silver plate. Maybe she is using him? But I also said that if he did chose her I would have let him go. The fact that he did not showed me that the love he, claimed he had for her, was after all not deep enough to leave his marriage.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

She kept on calling and sending emails. But eventually saw that he was not going to respond. She did email me and said that I can be very glad that she lives in another country because she knows that it will not work. And that my husband told her that she made him feel like he never in 20 yrs marriage felt with me. And that she was his true companion and a love like theirs will never be forgotten by either one of them. She said that if love like that happens to two people there are no boundaries because it happens once in a lifetime.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

Would do it again. I expressed my feelings and hoped to get her to see it from my view point. It did not matter much if she did, she is going to believe what she wants anyway. But just maybe I said something that did. It was easy with emails cause I do not think that I would have been able to see her in person. Maybe later when my confidence has been restored I will be able to. I learned that people will believe whatever they want to to make them feel better. I think its easier for the ow to think my husband was madly in love with her and wanted to marry her. So she does not have to deal with the deceit and the lies. Sort of check of of reality, the fantasy is much better to believe. And makes her feel good about herself and me the enemy cause I separated them. But then again she might not be a person with value of morality.

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