Confronting the Other Woman: Bam!

October 14, 2008 by 4 Comments

This is another case study in my series: “Should I Confront the Other Person”

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I was not sure that she knew he was actively married and interacting as a husband and family AND carrying on with her in another town.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

I made copies of our recent family photos/activities and mailed them along with copies of her love letters stating “he was her other half “and she loved him “without consequences” and wrote on the pictures…”the other half and the consequences.” I also mailed to her family members who were probably unaware of his family situation. I searched her for phone number and address and then researched her billing of phone and po box to get other family members addresses- sent complete copies of love letters to all recipients.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

No- i would have done it sooner- it blew up the romance- she was livid and humiliated- her family got a reality check and as you describe the secrecy was ruined so the thrill was gone.

Coach’s Comments:

The thrill was gone probably means that this was an “I Fell Out of Love…and just love being in love” affair.

Most of these affairs, from my experience, tend to be a remake of adolescence. In other words, the typical falling in and out of “love” a number of times during adolescence did not take place.

And, so a person may develop an affair of being “in love” to redo what was missed.

This “offended’ spouse above got out the big hammer and.. wham! It was over.

The question remains, did the OP and the spouse learn from this experience. Were they able to move beyond their adolescent perspective to more mature and deeper form of love? (I wonder what was left after everything went splat?)

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Confronting the Other Woman: Filling in the Blanks

October 7, 2008 by Leave a Comment

Confronting the other woman gives hope that details and the status of the infidelity relationship can be assessed.

Please read and leave comments below…

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

It came as a response to my husbands-no contact-letter to her, ending a 25yr emotional affair that was very one sided. i was present for this letter and added a note as well.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

She was angry, very angry. she said she felt like she was being accused of something she didn’t do. that she only responded to my husband out of friendship. she contacted him again and told us this. i found the letter before my husband and responded to her first.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I know I would have asked her more or perhaps better guestions as to the extent of my husbands contact with her over the years. he has been very limited in his disclosure of the affair. i would ask her why she didn’t send him packing when he went to see her, contacted her, what she got from his attention to her. why she cheated on her husband with mine. if she realised what she was doing each time she asked my husband to tell her he still loved her.

Coach’s Comments:

1. Secrecy is one aspect of infidelity. It truly makes it infidelity in the sense that collusion between two people against one rules. Secrecy, from my experience, is what makes infidelity crazy-making. One loses ones sense of balance and perspective – can I trust my inklings and intuition?

2. There are grey areas. What is the nature of the above “infidelity” relationship? We’re not sure from the information given. We can assume there was something (it was one-sided and her anger indicates a fairly heavy investment of some sort.)

3. The more details one acquires, the more power one has to make appropriate decisions and act wisely. As the above woman indicates, move beyond generalities. Ask specific questions. Ask them until you can visualize in your mind exactly what happened with the players. Ask charging neutral. If you can’t get details that may be a huge red flag. Or, your spouse may lack the skill or capacity for full disclosure. Let your intuition be the guide there, and trust it.

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Infidelity and No Game Playing

October 5, 2008 by Leave a Comment

I’m continually amazed with the comments I receive about the results of charging neutral – one of my core skills taught in “Break Free From the Affair.”
This person found it extremely helpful in confronting the other person.

What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

To warn her about my spouse telling untrue stories about me. I collected her phone nos from my spouse and called her.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

When I spoke with her on the phone, She denied having an affair with my husband while admitting that he actually made advances with the aim of having an affair.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I would not bother to call as I later discovered that she reported all my phone conversations with her to my husband. I learned that it is most effective to charge neutral when you discover that your spouse is having a affair.

Coach’s Comments:

1. Here is an ever present danger of confronting the OP, if they are involved in “I Fell out of Love…and just love being in love” affair – it juices the affair relationship. It keeps it going. It gives it more fuel to burn.

2. Charging neutral puts you in a position of power and will give you the most influence. Don’t we appreciate and admire those who fail to be “game players,” who speak the truth eloquently, quietly, powerfully. It’s like you’ve been struck at your deepest level and you have no recourse but to accept it.

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