Extramarital Affairs: You Want the Truth?

October 4, 2008 by Leave a Comment

The dilemma of finding the truth is expressed in this scenario of “Confronting the Other Person:”

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

When I confronted my husband with evidence that there was someone else I knew he was lying about who and how long. I called her in front of him to confirm his story.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

Initially she pleaded the 5th, “were just friends”. I calmly spoke to her about my life, how many children I have, she then saw how he was lying to her as well. I got the truth – a long 8 year relationship that resulted in her own divorce. My husband finally admitted it all, and his tune changed. He became desperate to save our marriage.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

It was hard to hear details from the o/w. But so much damage had been done. At that point I needed everything to make sense, I felt crazy. The truth forced him to make a choice. Were still trying to get through it, 1 1/2 years later.

Coach’s Comments:

The truth can hurt. But the truth does set one free also. That is the dilemma is it not?

Sometimes confronting the other person does reveal the truth. And, if one needs to eradicate that crazy-making feeling that arises in deception, confronting the other person becomes an option.

A by-product of this confrontation was the destruction of the triangle (the other woman saw his duplicity and his game was terminated.)

I applaud this person’s capacity to charge neutral in a very difficult situation.

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Confronting the Other Woman: Regrets

October 3, 2008 by 2 Comments

Another case study in the series: Should I Confront the Other Man – Woman:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I contacted her to let her know that he had been lying about the true state of our marriage. I also wanted to confirm some of the dates and statements he had made to me.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

She is a Filipino in the U.S. military. I told her that if she hung up on me, my next call would be to her Commander. She did not hang up. I asked her for the time line of the affair, some of it matched up with what my husband had said, some didn’t. I asked if she knew he was married, she did. I asked if she cared that he was married, she didn’t. I asked how she could inject a married man into the lives of her children, she had no answer. I asked if the affair was over for her, she already had a new ‘boyfriend’. I told her what I thought about her, heard her broken English responses, and told her that I felt sorry for her.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I would handle the whole situation differently. The moment I found out that he was cheating, I would have severed all contact, bankrupted him, and divorced him. I regret every day that I wasn’t strong enough to step out on my own. I think I sent a horrible message to my sons (it is ok to treat your wife and family disrespectfully) and worse message to my daughter (this is normal, to be expected and tolerated). If I could go back in time, I would tell the broken-hearted me to get up and do what needed to be done to salvage my self-respect. I have none now, nor do I expect to have any.

Coach’s Comments:

This affair is not over. By that I mean this person needs to find a way to embrace herself and treat herself with kindness and respect. Once she is able to do that, to learn from the affair experience, then she will be free from self-loathing. I wonder if she can care for the “broken-hearted me? If she can, a new and vibrant life will emerge for her.

And, she is probably more courageous and strong than she gives herself credit for. Did it not take courage to confront the other person in the way she did? She certainly didn’t roll over and play helpless.

The “throw him/her out” motif is what most of us think we will do – before the act of infidelity occurs. But, it’s easier said than done. We have an investment. We fear the loss and the transition. Many factors make it a very complex situation. So… take it easy on yourself.

Someday you will be able to smile.

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Infidelity confrontation: Calm and Centered

September 29, 2008 by Leave a Comment

Charging neutral, or being calm and centered when one confronts the other person is a wonderful gift. Read.. and leave comments below…

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I was in a position where I would be meeting her -my husband and I went to a function required for his job. At this point the affair had ended. I approached her and asked her if she would like to talk for a few minutes. She said yes, and we arranged to meet outside at a set time. She began the conversation by apologizing for any pain that she caused. She said that wasn’t her intention; she got “attached” to my husband and still had feelings for him. I did not response. I said very little. I went into this feeling calm and centered, and I believe this is KEY to “confronting”. It was essential to me that I keep my integrity, not divulge information about myself or my relationship with my husband. I would not have initiated this meeting if I had been feeling emotionally charged, angry, or “out of control” in any way. I feel I would have been empowering her/them if I had not been completely in control of myself. I said that I wished for someone available to come into her life, that my husband and I were committed to our marriage and our family. And that was all. I was not cold, just neutral.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

We both expressed to each other that we were glad to have had this short conversation. I came away feeling “done”; like I had done my part and had some closure.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

Overall I am satisfied. More than learned, I got an opportunity to get a feel for who she is, and that was important to me.

Coach’s Comments:

She calls it feeling calm and centered. In my E-book, Break Free From the Affair, I call it charging neutral. It is a wonderful and POWERFUL place to be. And, it is highly effective in getting the exact outcome you want.

Part of confronting the other person involves boundaries. What am I going to share? What will I refuse to share? How much information needs to be passed back and forth. Setting in your mind, beforehand, what the boundaries will be, generates a feeling of being in “integrity.”

Confronting the other person brought closure – the feeling of being “done.” Often we need and must close this chapter, as best as we can at the moment, and open a new one.

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