Confronting the Other Woman: Deflection

November 16, 2008 by Leave a Comment

Confronting the other woman: Deflection

Could it be that confronting the other woman may deflect from other, more powerful, concerns and issues?

Read this case study:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

My purpose was to try to get her to realize that she wasn’t special, just a number in my husband’s collection of mistresses over the years. I called her and told her that he would leave her and come back to me and that it would be short lived. I was right.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

She ignored me and didn’t believe a word I said. I don’t know why I was surprised.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

No, I wouldn’t bother again. Why should I try to warn someone of something that may hurt them when they are knowingly perpetuating an act that was hurting me, without any regards for my feelings. It was just pointless.

Coach’s comments:

Contacting the other person may be a deflection. As in the above case, it would seem that that spouse is willing to tolerate serial adultery on the part of her husband.

Now, as unusual as that may seem to some, the capacity to put up with sequential affairs is common to the “I Don’t Want to Say No” type of affair.

The spouse usually has a huge investment of some sort in the marriage and the husband. He tends to live with the assumption that he “deserves” or is “entitled” to his play time, usually because of his position or power. (John Edwards, Bill Clinton, other political/business figures. Every wonder why their wives don’t leave them? Actually Edward’s wife’s cancer may be a case of her “leaving” him. What a tragedy!)

So, rather than confronting the cheating husband or spouse the “offended” spouse may focus his/her attention elsewhere, as in the above case where she contacts the OP. This keeps the marriage viable because of mutual need, at some level, to maintain the marriage.

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Confronting the Other Man: Last Nail in the Marriage Coffin

November 7, 2008 by Leave a Comment

When confronting the other man, be prepared for what you might find if you suspect betrayal. Read this case study:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

First my wife asked me to divorce without telling me she was having an affair with someone, and giving me no real reason to divorce. Because of respect to her will, even if ill used, I said OK, feel free to go. Then, some days later, I learned by my own means there was an OP, and who the OP was. Then I wanted to know if both were serious about their affair and did intend to turn it into a lasting relationship. I loved my wife deeply and was afraid she was not very balanced at the moment because of a series of external factors. I wanted to let it know to the OP and at the same time show him I knew who he was and was ready to “give up” on my wife if so she wished… and was serious about him.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

He showed surprise when I called him. Then he told me I should not be talking to him about the affair, but to my wife. Told me that, in fact, my wife no longer thought of herself as of my wife, but as his partner, and that it had been so for longer than I suspected. He said my wife was very balanced and she had already made her mind up about leaving me. Then I learned my wife was not leaving me for him, but she had decided some 3-4 years ago she no longer wanted to be my partner, or not wanted me to be hers, and had been looking for someone more akin to her and her “new life-style”, til she found this guy (a married man, by the way, 3-4 years younger than her).

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I learned the OP was very confident about their affair and that could only mean my wife was serious about their relationship and definitely would not stay with me. I felt a bit uncomfortable during the 15 minutes call, but managed not to loose my temper somehow. I would do it again? Probably yes, but was a very hard experience because of the information I grasped about my wife not having considered herself as such for so long. A real liar and deceiver, a total traitor. It helped me decide not to fight for her and respect her will, even if it was mean of her to have behaved that way towards me in the last 2 years.

Coach’s Comments:

1. Talking to the other person may put another nail in the coffin of your marriage or relationship. Most, when they discover the affair, are ambivalent about staying in the marriage. Sure, a part of them wants to save the marriage and hope it can be salvaged. Much is at stake. However, another part asks: “Do I really want to be married to someone who keeps secrets and betrays?” And, of course, the answer is no.

2. So, one part leans toward saving the marriage and the other part has a foot (toe, maybe) out the door.

3. When this man talked to the other person a new world was opened to him. She would not stop seeing the op. The marriage was much more irreparable than he initially thought. Although difficult, he was slammed with the fact that the marriage appeared to be over… and was over for a number of years.

4. If you consider confronting the OP, please be prepared to encounter all possible scenarios.

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Confronting the Other Woman: Triggers Revenge

October 30, 2008 by 1 Comment

Here’s another case study on confronting the other woman, and my comments below:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

My husband was hours late coming home and the kids were wondering if he was ok. So I went to her work to get him. She works as a security manager at a store so she could see me come in on the cameras and they took 15 minutes to get their stories together and come out to the store floor.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

My husbands introduced us as I noticed her bra was hanging out of her shirt. He said she and I should talk so she took me to the back of the store where she gave me the story that she was not a home wrecker. That they were soul mates. And she had tried to make him go back to me but it was futile because the attraction was so strong. A month later I asked him to move out because he was treating me poorly in front of the kids. She moved in with him and left her husband. He has lost his identity and she runs the show. He has given up much of his past times.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I needed to get my husband home but confronting her was like giving them open license to do whatever they wanted. He started flaunting his “needs” in front of me and becoming self-centered and cold. At least when they thought I didn’t know, he was more courteous and kind — especially with the kids and he actually lied less. This affair that he thought was so wonderful has compromised his whole being to the point where he is not even himself anymore.

Coach’s Comments:

Confronting the other person will bring about changes. It almost always changes the dynamic of the affair. Why? Because an affair is based on secrets and deception. Once this element is removed, change occurs.

I make the assumption in this case that the man has a tendency to give power to women. His wife seemed practical and assertive. As the wife explains, “she now runs the show.”

Those who give their personal power to others often experience anger which may turn to rage. This resentment is targeted away from self to others. (One is really angry with self… for giving power away so easily – but usually is unaware of or doesn’t want to be aware of that dynamic.)

With the other person now “in charge” he targets his resentment toward this wife, where perhaps, he needs to prove (to himself) he is not such a wimp.

The wife is now experiencing that part of him that was always there – hidden – but now expressing itself in her presence.

This dynamic is common in the “I Want to Get Back at Him/Her” affair.

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