Another case study in the series: Should I Confront the Other Man – Woman:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I contacted her to let her know that he had been lying about the true state of our marriage. I also wanted to confirm some of the dates and statements he had made to me.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

She is a Filipino in the U.S. military. I told her that if she hung up on me, my next call would be to her Commander. She did not hang up. I asked her for the time line of the affair, some of it matched up with what my husband had said, some didn’t. I asked if she knew he was married, she did. I asked if she cared that he was married, she didn’t. I asked how she could inject a married man into the lives of her children, she had no answer. I asked if the affair was over for her, she already had a new ‘boyfriend’. I told her what I thought about her, heard her broken English responses, and told her that I felt sorry for her.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I would handle the whole situation differently. The moment I found out that he was cheating, I would have severed all contact, bankrupted him, and divorced him. I regret every day that I wasn’t strong enough to step out on my own. I think I sent a horrible message to my sons (it is ok to treat your wife and family disrespectfully) and worse message to my daughter (this is normal, to be expected and tolerated). If I could go back in time, I would tell the broken-hearted me to get up and do what needed to be done to salvage my self-respect. I have none now, nor do I expect to have any.

Coach’s Comments:

This affair is not over. By that I mean this person needs to find a way to embrace herself and treat herself with kindness and respect. Once she is able to do that, to learn from the affair experience, then she will be free from self-loathing. I wonder if she can care for the “broken-hearted me? If she can, a new and vibrant life will emerge for her.

And, she is probably more courageous and strong than she gives herself credit for. Did it not take courage to confront the other person in the way she did? She certainly didn’t roll over and play helpless.

The “throw him/her out” motif is what most of us think we will do – before the act of infidelity occurs. But, it’s easier said than done. We have an investment. We fear the loss and the transition. Many factors make it a very complex situation. So… take it easy on yourself.

Someday you will be able to smile.