Extramarital Affair: Their Sex Isn’t Always “Hot”

October 11, 2006 by 32 Comments

Yesterday two of my coaching calls were with those who had the extramarital affair.

Both of them hugely regret the extramarital affair. Not only that, they explicitly described their sexual relationship.

And, their sexual encounters left them cold. Literally!

The first was a male who seemingly struggled through extramarital affair #6: I need to prove my desirability.? He described a life-long pattern of struggle with self-esteem. (Now, this is not news – most of us at some level question our esteem – but for him, it was more intense.)?

He found someone (or maybe was was found by someone) 15 years younger who flattered him. It felt good. The flirtatious relationship lasted for some months. He reported that they “tried” to have sex on a couple occasions. The result was terribly unsatisfying and only compounded his guilt.

The second person was a female who also encountered someone 15 or so years her junior. Of their infrequent attempts, she recalls being traumatized to the extent that she felt like it “wasn’t her.” She did remember that he was unable to get an erection. I’m now working with her and her husband to “makeover” their relationship.

I bring this up to help those of you who think that the sex your spouse/partner had with the other person was something just a tad short of stupendous, or maybe was indeed a stupendous event.? (Sex perhaps was on one level “good” – at least from their perspective – but this is only true for particular kinds of affairs.) Actually, I believe sex can NEVER be as good in an extramarital affair as it truly can be in a committed relationship founded on truth and integrity. But, perhaps more of that later.

Please keep in mind that you may indeed be idealizing their sexual encounters.

Many of you have difficulty shaking thoughts and vivid images of your spouse having wall-banging sex with the other person. This is OK. It’s normal. Our culture sends a plethora of distorted messages concerning sex. One of them is: sex is “hot” when you are with your affair partner. Not always true!

I hope this little quickie offers a reality test for your thinking.

Filed Under: Infidelity Quickie

6 Reasons NOT to “Work on the Marriage”

July 2, 2006 by 15 Comments

Remember, in my last two Newsletters I talked about how “polarized couples” (one wants to ‘talk it through’ and the other hopes it ‘goes away’) find their marriage grinding to a halt when they believe they must “work on the relationship?’If you need a refresher, go back two issues and the last issue.

Here are some difficulties typically experienced when a couple commits to “working on the relationship:”

  1. “Working on the relationship” often implies that each “should or must” act, feel and think particular ways to make their efforts successful.A “should” sets one up for failure and disappointment, for no one ever fully acts, thinks for feels as they “should.” An atmosphere of effort and grinding it out permeates the couple. And, each holds his/her breath, as they both believe that failure follows the next interaction.Talk about pressure! I assume you want a different environment created in your relationship.
  2. “Working on the relationship” for a huge percentage of the couples I encounter means being “nice,” accommodating the other and being on your best behavior.Conflict is seen as a catastrophe. Such a strategy, in essence, obscures and clouds the truth. The truth, which sets a couple free, is relegated to the background and buried under the surface.
  3. “Working on the Relationship” often means trying to find a “middle ground.”There must be “something in common” that holds the couple together and make it better.Well, maybe there isn’t any “common ground!” And, just maybe that is good.Perhaps the differences, the extremes, give the couple fire and passion and create, together, that which each, at one level, is looking for.
  4. “Working on the relationship?? often means working hard to meet the needs of the other. I “sacrifice” my needs, or at least put them on the back burner, and intentionally go about “making my partner happy” by attending to his/her needs.This may work for a period of time but resentment at some point emerges since one or both believe that the need meeting is not being reciprocated to the degree he/she would like.
  5. “Working on the relationship” often is thwarted because there is not enough depth.Individual differences are not pursued with a curiosity and intensity that allows for maximum growth of the individual and therefore couple. “Issues” are not torn apart, looked at, marveled at, appreciated and seen as a resource for further self exploration and self disclosure.
  6. “Working on the relationship” often comes up short because a couple easily reverts to old patterns. They begin to “swirl” in the old communication patterns and ways of thinking, feeling and acting.When lacking adequate exploration of differences and avoiding conflict the couple easily slides back into that which was familiar, not pleasant or comfortable, but certainly known territory.I’m assuming you don’t merely want to “work on” the relationship, but you want a total overhaul.After all, the infidelity crisis does provide a great opportunity to recreate and redesign the relationship, now that you are wiser. I sometimes use the phrase, “Gold is refined through intense heat.”

As I mentioned in the last issue, I’m working on material that helps a marriage move to another level of intimacy, depth and power without the drudgery of “working on it.”

It soon will be here, in E-book format. It will be called: “Infidelity Recovery – Marriage Makeover.”

I will be sending out special mailings. I’m offering “Marriage Makeover” FREE to our coaching clients and giving a huge discount to those of you who have purchased “Break Free From the Affair.”

Stay tuned. Keep your eyes peeled on your e-mail box. It’s coming…….

Filed Under: Infidelity Help
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