I?stirred the pot. Boy did I get the emails with the article: The KEY Question You Ask and MUST have Answered even though you probably don’t know you are asking it.

I’ve observed thousands of people suffering from infidelity and, from my point of view, there is one underlying question that almost all ask. After a time of reflection and work at healing the pain, they “get it” and the question is answered.

I didn’t divulge in the article “the question.” Hence the emails: WHAT IS THE QUESTION?

I feel compelled to follow up.

I am very reluctant to give you the question for a number of solid reasons.

1. First, I don’t want you to give me too much power. And, power is a key issue. In reality, I don’t want you to give anyone more power than they deserve.?In infidelity?offended partner often gives excessive power to the partner and or the other person. Every word and thought of the offended partner tends to hang on what the offending partner is saying or doing or not saying or doing. The offended spouse feels victimized, helpless and at the mercy of the other relationship. Why in the world would anyone give that much power to a person(s) who is clueless, lost and committing slow relational and familial suicide? And, often, when shifts in that power are made by the offended partner, dramatic changes occur. I hear it daily from those I coach and send me testimonials on the power of Break Free From the Affair.

I want you to claim your power. Don’t hand it over easily, even to me!

2. If I told you, you probably wouldn’t believe me. In some ways the question is fairly obvious and you may dismiss it as too simplistic.

3. If I told you, you probably would brush it off and move on to something else. Oh, so that is THE QUESTION he is talking about! OK, now that my curiosity is fed I can answer the next question in my life. I don’t want you to brush off this question. I want you to look at it – with great intensity.

4. The question is found in YOUR journey to healing and peace. The question (and answer) will not come from an external source (such as me) but from within you. Now,? since I know what that question is I can be there for you on that journey and be your guide. But, ultimately, it is you who will discover it. And when you do you will see powerful, wonderfully lasting changes in how you feel and think – guaranteed.

I keep telling people that redesigning your life and relationships after infidelity typically takes 2-4 years for those who struggle on their own. My goal is to accelerate that process for you, cutting it down to 6-18 months. I offer you the Infidelity Insider Membership for that very purpose: providing you the support, encouragement and resources you need to break free more quickly and powerfully well.

Remember infidelity is your gift. Yes, I mean that! I’ve read hundreds of books on relationships. Have logged over 30,000 hours of direct face to face therapy. Have over a 1,000 hours of supervision as a marriage therapist? and yet, I learned the most about infidelity from the infidelity in my marriage. And, it took me a while to learn! (maybe I’m a little slow!). I was able to turn the proverbial lemon into lemonade.? I think so many respond so positively to my material and me, because I discovered the question and the answer from the?ripped fabric in my life. God it hurt. But I was blessed with it as well.

So how do you name the question and experience the answer? Here’s a posting from someone who is very very close! Listen to her and then take a few minutes to see which of these questions is most painfully pressing on you:

Does it matter what any of the answers to my questions are? Once I know all the answers ?” what’s the question I ultimately want to answer?
Can I forgive him no matter what all they did (whether I know or not)? ?”
if I can then??
Will I ever be at peace knowing it’l never happen again? ?”
if no then??
Can I continue living on in a situation knowing I may never be at peace to ever trust you again?
if no then??
If I can’t trust you to love me with respect as I ought to be loved, who can I trust?
if there’s no one I can trust then??
What is wrong with me that I don’t deserve to be loved as others successfully love each other?
if there’s something wrong with me then??
How was the affair my fault?
if the affair was my fault, yet he didn’t even tell me what I was “driving him to do?? then ??
Why should I try at all?
if it’s my fault regardless of what he’s done then??
Why should I even try to do what I ought to?
if it’s not my fault then??
What should I do?
What’s the right thing to do?
What’s it worth my life to be doing?
How do I have peace that I know what reality is and that I can trust my own judgement?
Do I need to know what reality is to have peace and trust my own judgment?
If what’s best for me is the right thing to do ?” how do I know what’s best for me?
If what’s best for me isn’t the best thing to do (thus not the right thing to do)?” how do I know?

Spend some time with this. What do YOU think the question is? What is THE question right now, YOU are asking?

Please gift others with your thoughts by posting a comment.

What’s the KEY to surviving an affair and eventually moving beyond it with a sense of relief and increasing joy?

Well, when the agony and betrayal of the affair envelops you and soaks into every cell of your body, mind and spirit, there is one question that you ask. You ask it over and over again.

And, you are probably not aware that you are asking it. It resides just below the surface of your thoughts. But, believe me it’s there. You want it answered.

I was coaching someone recently and she “got it.” We touched on the core of this question. There was silence. And then muffled tears. They were tears of relief, not sadness, agony or resentment. Her breathing slowed. She reached down and realized this was the question. She received the answer – if just for that moment.

Don’t muddle in the affair. I’ve heard, counseled and seen countless people unwilling to shake the memories, the images, the rage and sense of helplessness.

A cauldron of anger lies just below the surface and is easily ignited. On edge, unwilling to give and welcome. Reluctant to EVER trust themselves to another person again. Their life of quiet desperation goes on and on and on…

They avoided, ignored, never faced the question and therefore received no answer, no relief, no joy.

You see, I know what the question is. It’s not because I have a doctorate, am smarter, wiser or a guru. I walked blindly for years. And then I walked through the valley. The question kept emerging. I would push it away until it no longer would tolerate my blindness.

And, then I got it. Partially at first and then exponentially the fog was lifted.

This is not an easy valley to walk through, but it’s much easier than muddling for the rest of your life.

I’ve coached and read testimonials from literally hundreds on my sites who “got it.” And their “getting it” became stronger and stronger, accumulating more and more positive power over time.

I’m giving more and more thought to this question and how to serve you better in “getting it.”

Really “getting it” takes time. I would say anywhere from 3-18 months for someone bumping into the wrenching agony of an affair.

The internet and newspapers in the last couple days have the love triangle of astronauts Lisa Nowak and William Oefelein and engineer Colleen Shipman front and center. The implication: We can’t believe such a thing could happen. And, how in the world did it happen?

One of our cultural icons has been tipped and ripped.

But it does make sense why such a tragedy can happen (and love triangles are tragedies).

We can learn. If we choose we can empathize with all the victims in this triangle. And, we can twist our thinking a tad so we might see ourselves for who we really are – the good, the bad and a lot of in-between.

The article this morning read: “No one at the space agency saw any sign that Nowak was troubled…”

Well, folks, everyone is troubled. I assume what they meant to say was “troubled THAT MUCH.” Her behavior crossed a line?which was troubling not only for her, the other two in the triangle, but for NASA and those of us who believe this national icon serves as a model.

Let’s take a closer look at Lisa, or more accurately whom she represents.

Lisa is a model of power: the power of intelligence, the power of “can-do,” the power of physical toughness, the power of perfectionism, the power of narrow focus and determination to reach goals.

Here are some observations on this love triangle and the pursuit of this form of power.

1. Ever heard: “for every action there’s an equal and opposite reaction?” That’s true for our inner life. One pursues mightily success and perfectionism and there’s an inner part that doubts one’s success and fears failure. Of course the part that fears is relegated to the background, far out of awareness, if possible. This inner turmoil simmers.

2. Those who hold this iconic position in our culture (clergy, astronauts, therapists, CEOs etc.) don’t want others to know of this turmoil. They hide. This exacerbates the tension.

3. Some internal line is crossed and the tension erupts into some sort of acting out, perhaps dramatic or bizarre behavior.

Why should be we surprised?

4. Was Lisa suffering from an “I Can’t Say No” affair? (Break Free From the Affair) Did she tend to be a perfectionistic, driven person? Did she become increasingly?obsessive about this triangle? Materials found in her possession indicated she had an elaborate scheme to play out. As I indicate in my e-book, the behavior of “I Can’t Say No” becomes increasingly destructive.

5. Another interesting comment in the article: “We were just talking about the fact that the old astronauts from years ago were a wild bunch of people. They played around, some of them. They used to drink and go out a lot. Now ?” family people, churchgoing, very, very devoted. ”

So…they were the “I Don’t Want to Say NO” kind of affair?! Interesting, isn’t it, how “harmless” those kind are. Oh well, boys will be boys, you know! (And, come to think of it, they were all boys, weren’t they?)

Love triangles still abound. They merely arise out of a different set of circumstances and different cast of characters.

6. Psychological tests didn’t uncover her “trouble.” I’m not a testing expert, but I do know that tests do miss items. And, I also know that there are those who can “con” tests, intentionally or unintentionally.

A characteristic of a “I Can’t Say No” affair is denial. Truth is distorted, twisted and ignored. Or a world can be rationalized and created that fits the perception that person desires. And, he/she truly believes it and leaves room for nothing else. Could this be Lisa?

A person in the “I need to prove my desirability” affair is sometimes attempting to reconcile a history or incident of abuse. The capacity to dissociate from that event may be so powerful that the event itself in never remembered. It’s as if it happened to a “different person.” Was there a “different person” Lisa?

We don’t know of course. And, it is dangerous to analyze too much.

Let’s learn from this event. We humans are extremely complicated. Infidelity and extramarital affairs are extremely complicated and emerge out a myriad of different scenarios.

Once we see the smaller pictures our perspective changes and we embrace more fully our complex selves and our complex relationships.