Confronting the other person often carries with it powerful images, feelings and emotions. Hear her story:
1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?
I wanted to meet her, to see what this person looked and acted like who my husband was so in love with. Not having a face to go with her name was very frustrating for me. I also wanted to tell her in person that my children knew about her and how hurt they all were and she should exit our lives asap. This was after calling her a couple of times and emailing her maybe 3 times over the course of months, Nothing changed. I got word that she was flying into the country and wanted to plan to meet my husband. I took this opportunity to go to the airport and confront her.
2. What happened? What was the outcome?
I talked my way through security and went to her boarding gate where I had her paged. I know! Sounds crazy. She thought it was my husband and was horrified to see me. I said hello- I thought it was time we had a little chat. She wouldn’t say anything but “Talk to your husband, it’s a two way street.” I got so frustrated that I embarrassed her in front of her fellow passengers by saying some choice words. She ran away, I left. I then warned those two that if it didn’t end I would call her place of business and tell them about her, which I eventually did. Only because he wouldn’t get out and kept promising it was over. It never was.
3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?
Although my husband called me evil for doing all that, I would do it again. Now, I don’t care but at the time I was so embroiled in the pain and jealousy that I had to act. This was only after being patient for months and trying to understand. But when two people have this secret life, I felt so alone and excluded. I was obsessed! Although I tried not to be.. The most difficult thing I ever went through. I eventually filed for divorce. He is no longer with her but I know he still loves her. She thinks I nearly ruined her life and will have nothing to do with him because who knows what I am capable of. So maybe it worked. I know she is a sweet person but 20 years younger than my husband, we have 5 children and I thought it was so wrong of her to get involved-it broke up my family. Of course, I know it is really him who should get the blame. Me, too, to some degree. But that is another story.
Coach’s comment:
This story strikes me as sad. Very sad. It is an awful feeling to stuff, hold inside, wait, think, ruminate until you get to the point where you sense the explosion coming.
Life seems very restricted, feeling there are only two options; be quiet, patient or explode. As she said, this is extremely difficult to manage.
Oh, to have more options. Oh, to see the grey areas and enter them, maybe with confusion, but to enter them at least, not sure of the outcome, but hoping for something new and fresh.
Infidelity Stories and Input
I was reading through some of the comments from my readers of “Break Free From the Affair.” Thought I would share some with you. It’s always good to know what others go through:
1. How was your situation helped by reading Break Free From the Affair?
>>>>understanding why the affair happened and confused in a sense because it wasnt my fault
>>>>Very comprehensive framework for understanding the affair. My therapist was supportive, but didn’t help much with understanding or reacting in a really helpful way to my wife’s infidelity. BFFTA did a great job of describing what is and is not useful to do when working through an affair.
>>>>I just read it. It validated my own understandings and gave me important information.
>>>>I’m just hoping we can still communicate.
>>>>It helped me identify the type of affair my husband is having
>>>>It helped me identify the type of affair I’m dealing with and the knowledge that I’m dealing with it badly.
2. Please describe the situation that best fits you.
>>>>I discovered the affair. My spouse stopped seeing the OP (other person) and we are rebuilding the marriage.
>>>>My partner has filed for divorce but I don’t want a divorce.
>>>>I recently discovered the affair and am in shock, anger, pain and confusion.
>>>>My partner has filed for divorce but I don’t want a divorce.
>>>>We are trying to repair the relationship but my partner is still contacting the OP. I can’t trust him/her.
3. What did Break Free From the Affair NOT answer for you… or how can it be improved?
>>>>For “My Marriage Made Me Do It”, my case, you didn’t provide much information on specific behaviors the wayward spouse needed to show in order for there to be a successful reconciliation. Where is the guide for the wayward spouse that lays out how her behavior needs to change if she wants to save the relationship. Also, you didn’t say if you found it helpful to share BFFTA with your wayward spouse. I have nothing to lose at this time, so I did, but she hasn’t reacted so far.
>>>>what she have to do to save the marriage completely
>>>>Well, it is a lot of value for $90, especially compared to the amount I spend on one therapy session out-of-pocket, not to mention an attorney’s fee.
>>>>A lot more coaching on how to create a charge neutral posture. Some more information on how to identify which infidelity model applies (my wife’s character suggests one model, her behavior suggests another).
>>>>My husband seems to be in a midlife crisis stemming from all our financial worries and is blaming his unhappiness on the marriage. We have been married 20 years and though I see we were emotionally disengaged he is trying to justify his behavior of the affair because of the marriage and I wonder if the crisis changes the impact of the affair