Archives for April 2012

Letting Go of Infidelity Pain

Infidelity is not an easy thing to have to go through for anybody. You become so consumed with pain and hurt and betrayal that you start to feel like it will never get better. But it will.

Over the past two decades that clients have come in to talk about their infidelity crises, there is a common theme that occurs for those who finally let go of their pain and resentment, and move forward – that is, when they finally get an answer to that one question they’ve been asking themselves over and over again.

This question is the key to surviving an affair and eventually moving past it with relief and joy. Most of the time, you’re probable not even aware that you are asking it, or maybe you don’t even know what it is. This question isn’t necessarily the same for everyone. We all have different experiences and our situations are not the same, but there is always that one thing that we dwell on, whether consciously or not, and we just want to know.

It may take some time for you to realize what it is, probably around three to eighteen months, but when you do, it will feel like a fog has lifted and you will be able to take the next step in your life with confidence and certainty.

Affair Details: Reasons Why They Are Kept From You

When you discover that your partner is or was involved in an extramarital affair, it becomes important to you to know all the details you can find out about it. This is never as simple, though, as asking questions and your partner giving answers, especially if your partner is intent on keeping this information from you.

One of the most common reasons why the offending partner becomes tight-lipped about the details of the affair is because he is afraid of how you and even the other person would react. Your partner’s feelings depend greatly on how other people respond or react to him and his actions. So if he feels that you will respond in a negative way, or if he thinks that knowing the details will only hurt you, he would keep things to himself rather than share them with you.

Another possible reason why he keeps from opening up is the complete opposite of the first one – that is, he doesn’t care about your needs and only cares about his own. If your partner’s affair is of the “I don’t want to say no” type, he is usually too caught up in his own life and could not be bothered with your requests for answers and details.

Men and Counseling: Why Don’t They Mix?

It shouldn’t be a surprise to know that women are more open about going to counseling and therapy when trying to work on the marriage, especially after infidelity occurs. It is common knowledge that men aren’t really into talking a problem out and that they only go through it because they feel that they have to.

Here are some of the most common themes that reoccur in a lot of different cases:

1. Men usually keep things to themselves. They don’t talk about their problems or their feelings or their thoughts unless they feel they have to. They internalize, think about their problems and issues by themselves, and aren’t all that happy about having to share their feelings with others.

2. Men don’t over-analyze. They look at the problem as what it is, think of solutions to that problem, and execute that solution. If one solution doesn’t work, they try out another. They don’t see the point of going to counseling to find a solution when you can find the solution yourself.

3. Men tend to believe and stick to the notion that they are incapable of expressing their feelings and thoughts, which is what they think therapy and counseling is all about. They think that women are the experts on that area, and they don’t want to seem inadequate.