Starting today, I will be taking a different approach on my blog entries. For each day of the week, I will focus on a different type of blog. For example, Mondays will be Q&A with Dr. Huizenga. For the next 20 Mondays, you will receive one question and answer from my series: The top 10 questions people ask about infidelity, and the top 10 questions people should ask about infidelity. If there are specific questions you would like answered, please comment at the end of this blog, and I will address them in a future blog post.
1. How Long Will the Pain Last?
“How long will the pain last?” – a common question, an important question.
Are you ready? Here’s the bad news. The pain can last a long, long, long time. I’ve
had people call me 5, 10, 15, 20, 25 years after the discovery of the affair saying
that they’re still in pain. It’s still there. They remember the agony of the affair.
The agony of the discovery of the affair is embedded with them.
What I observe is that this pain lasts and it continues if certain conditions are
met. For example, if you remain in your, what I call “default coping pattern,” the
pain probably will continue for a long, long time.
There are a couple default coping patterns that most people use that exacerbate the
pain or enable it to last a long time. One of the default mechanisms is to remain
and feel as if you are a helpless victim.
Some people when they discover that their partner is having an affair or is involved
in infidelity cave in. They feel helpless, victimized, as if there’s nothing in the
world that they can do to prevent this. That’s a default coping pattern that, if it
continues, the pain will continue.
A second common default coping pattern is to rage or to continually react, to become
aggressive, to spew forth, or to make demands, or in a very aggressive manner, try
to get something from your spouse or the other person. And this raging and this
reacting, also, is a default mechanism that’s nothing but prolonged pain and the
agony.
So that leaves the question, “Can you minimize the pain? Can you feel relief from
the pain?” and the question to that is, “Yes, you can.” My guess is that you will. I
know that you will because you are here. You are listening. You want to learn about
infidelity.
Knowledge brings relief. Knowledge about infidelity brings relief. If you’re willing
to learn, if you’re willing to look at some patterns in your life, if you’re willing
to discover all there is about infidelity, you will find relief, I guarantee it.
I have a number of people who write emails after they read or go through some of my
material and the light bulbs go on and they say “Wow, I feel so much better, the
pain is gone, and there is relief!”
So yes, the pain doesn’t have to last forever. Dig in. Learn more about infidelity.
As you do, you will discover that the distance between you and your pain increases
dramatically.
To access the video please go to:
http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/blog/?s=long+pain+last