Archives for February 2010

The first way to help minimize the pain is to not try to get rid of it, but to
acknowledge it. Acknowledge your pain. Know that it’s there. Know that it’s going to
be there. For example, you’re in the process of losing your world, or a great
portion of your world.

Your sexual identity is at stake here. You wonder about yourself as a person, as a
sexual person. So, you’re going to have pain. And as well, you feel ripped off. You
feel like someone has invaded that which is sacred and that which is private. You
feel like you’ve been raped. So, in every sense of the word your pain is normal.
It’s OK. It’s there.

The second way to look at the pain is to know that your pain is telling you that you
want something. Your pain is distress, which is saying to you, “Something is
extremely, extremely important to me that I don’t have, and I want it.” So pain, in
some ways, is an indicator of lack. Just pay attention to that, and ask yourself,
“What is my pain telling me in terms of that which I want most desperately, most
dearly?”

Another way to get rid of the pain is to learn about infidelity. Now, most people
don’t know much about infidelity at all, other than what you see on TV, or in
romantic movies, or over the grocery counters in tabloids. So dig in, and learn a
lot about infidelity.

I have people write me, email me, talk to me, call me constantly about how they felt
relief. How they felt the pain kind of fade away once they read my eBook “Break Free
From The Affair,” and discover that there’s seven kinds of affairs, and affairs are
very complicated.

And in a certain kind of affair you can do certain things, and in other kinds of
affairs you do other things. All of that was really, really helpful in opening a
whole new world and minimizing the pain.

Another thing you can do is get support. I have a chat room online. I have a support
group online, and every so often people email me again to say, “the chat room has
saved my life,” or “the support group has really, really helped me because I no
longer feel like I’m alone in this awful, terrible process.” So, seek out support
wherever that may be for you.

Another thing that I sometimes recommend in terms of dealing with the pain is to get
a timer. A kitchen timer will do, any simple timer, and set it for two minutes. And
when you feel the pain most intently, get out a piece of paper and pencil and write
down everything you’re thinking and everything you’re feeling. When the two minutes
is up, put it aside. Say to yourself, OK, I’ve paid attention to my pain. Now, I
have to go and do something else.

And later on, 5, 10 minutes, two hours later, you start to feel that pain again. Get
your timer and go through the same process. It will give you a sense of being in
control of the pain, and acknowledging the pain and seeing the patterns of the pain
at the same time.

The last thing you can do is if you’re really, really scared, and if the pain seems
overwhelming and you’re fearful sometimes that you might kill yourself. Or you have
those thoughts and you’re not sure that you can control those thoughts, get some
professional help. See your doctor. See a psychiatrist. See a psychologist. See
someone who can, perhaps, give you medication. There’s nothing wrong with that for
temporarily addressing the pain in your life.

Video: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/blog/?s=rid+of+pain