Archives for July 2009

Recovering from Infidelity

July 10, 2009 by Leave a Comment

Recovering from infidelity is often a long process which stirs within powerful feelings, thoughts and images that go to the core of who on is.

These three people share part of their journey and questions:

Case Study #1:

1. How has this E-course helped you change the way you feel, think and act as you face infidelity. Give examples, if you can.

Knowing the type of battle i am facing, really put my mind into perspective. The first 2 weeks i was suffering terribly on what could have gone wrong with me, but this e-course really helped me enlighten that i may have done something wrong within the relationship, it was never and it will never be my fault that my husband had made bad judgments.

2. What unanswered questions do you have at this point as you cope with infidelity?

my husband has had the affair for 2 years before i found out and at this point i was still wondering and would like to understand who he was during those 2 years, why did he stayed on for 2 years more with me, why he just he didn’t let me go from the moment he knew that his relationship with the OW was getting serious – why did he deprived me of the love & affection that i needed – it was so selfish of him. Yet, across all that had happen – i still love my husband.

Case Study #2:

1. How has this E-course helped you change the way you feel, think and act as you face infidelity. Give examples, if you can.

It has definitely helped me gather my thoughts, calm down and think rationally. It has been very helpful to read of situations, feelings, reactions and behaviors that have fit my own situation so well, and gives me hope that they can be worked through constructively.

2. What unanswered questions do you have at this point as you cope with infidelity?

My wife was never a dishonest person, financial pressures and the hum drum of homemaking combining with the emergence of the old high school sweetheart created the perfect storm. Her relationship with him although limited pretty much to an ’emotional affair’ has changed her significantly and this is difficult to deal with.

Case Study #3″

1. How has this E-course helped you change the way you feel, think and act as you face infidelity. Give examples, if you can.

It has made me realize that I am important and that I did not do this to our marriage. Whatever was the cause of it…I now know that I need to be concerned with myself and to never let someone have such a hold over me.I am my own person and not just “his wife.”I am going to utilize this wake-up call in my life to benefit me and to eventually be at the point where I will feel that this was a “good thing” that made our marriage even stronger.

2. What unanswered questions do you have at this point as you cope with infidelity?

I know my husband had an affair. There is no question about that. I have lots of proof that it happened.But…..he has not formally admitted it to me. Which bothers me. I know that it has stopped because I can tell. He is being a perfect husband and “friend.” MY QUESTION: Will I be able to heal from this w/o a confession? Can the trust be repaired when he won’t confess???????

Filed Under: Recovery From Infidelity Tagged With: , ,

How Much Do You Tolerate?

July 9, 2009 by 1 Comment

Where do you draw the line when a cheating spouse seems mired in a pattern of denial and disregard?

Read this case study:

1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?

I think the biggest example of disrespect was the fact that he refused to acknowledge the affair. Although I had tons of physical evidence (and he knew that) and through lots of late night research and searching found irrefutable evidence that the affair was only one of many – to this day, over three years since the divorce – he has not acknowledged any infidelity. He is actually making overtures of “friendship”. It was and is an insult to my intelligence. I guess he thought that if he denied it (which he did, over and over again!) it might just “go away”.

2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?

As in most issues involving infidelity/divorce I think time is the greatest healer. In the beginning the hurt was at times overwhelming and truthfully the only thing that kept me putting one foot in front of the other was my kids. For me there was one solution and one solution ONLY – divorce. Once I found out for sure what was going on there was no looking back, so I didn’t tolerate any more of his destructive behaviors. I concentrated on things that had to be done and tried to accomplish them as best I could. Divorce is so devastating in general, and mine was extremely so – not because either of us ever turned back, but because my former husband was obsessed with the idea that I might somehow be able to “get more than my share”. We had been married nearly 28 years when I found out he was having an affair – one of many.

Filed Under: Infidelity and Tolerations

How Do Affairs Stop?

July 8, 2009 by Leave a Comment

Affairs often stop when the affair is exposed.

Here are some case studies related to stopping the affair:

The first time was”I don’t know if I want to be married” and of course that had nothing to do with anyone ( right he was not cheating) I did the wrong thing to start and that was plead beg cajole, tell him my life would be nothing without him. Then I went to therapy and that helped me stand back and say ” there is the door, walk through it and we can move on” He did not leave- However, I decided that he did not love me and we grew distant. Then he came around and after five years, things were back. Right that is what I thought, then he started dating women, lots of them on the internet. So now he was having the affairs of I love being loved. Or I can’t say NO- The only reason it stopped – all the women he was dating started to figure something was wrong- So one of them hired a PI and found all the other women and they called me and turned him in to me. He was so upset about losing everything and having this mess exposed, he begged me for weeks to keep him, stay with him. He gladly went for therapy ( that is strange- because the first time he hated therapy) and he was very remorseful and very sorry. He vowed that it will never happen again. I have invested over 30 years with this person, so I stayed married. I still have my doubts, I suppose I always will- but I try to look at what is good for me now, not what is good for him. He is on edge because he knows if I just catch and inkling of something- he is gone. He tells me everyday how he loves me and he is thankful for me standing by him. I just have to be strong for both of us, because I know he is so weak and probably did not think of me, but only of himself and his feelings for the five years he was dating. The affair was stopped by the other women and he was done.

My marriage made me do it. I caught my wife of close to thirty years one Friday afternoon. I decided to stop by our rental house which was vacant and noticed her car parked outside in an unusual spot. The door was locked so I unlocked it and found some of there clothes on the living room floor and head noises in the bedroom. I stood stunned in the living room and could only say “Oh my god! I think I said it a couple times and then my wife came out of the bedroom with her jeans and Bra on and bent over to pick up her top. I just stood and starred, she stayed in a kneeling position picking up her clothes. I heard him trying to hide in the bedroom closet. I told him to get the hell out. He slowly slide the sliding closet door open, and came out with his head covered. He must have been thinking I would strike him, but I am not the fighting kind. He went into the living room to get the rest of his clothes. I then said to both of them, “i can’t believe you would risk 28 years of marriage for a “piece of ass” At that point I didn’t know what else to do so I think before I did or said something that I regretted. I went home. While driving home if was shocked and since there had been a couple other cases of emotional affairs, I had told myself in the past that if it happened again that would be the end. So driving home I thought our life was going to dramatically change. I figured she didn’t want me any more. She came home about an hour later after picking up our granddaughter as previously planned for a Friday afternoon. After she got the grand daughter settled I suggested that we go to the garage to “talk” I asked her to tell me what was going on. She said that she craves excitement. I asked if I was that bad of a lover. She said no!!! I asked her if she wanted to leave, she asked me if I wanted her to. I said it depended on what she wanted, she then said she wanted to stay and work on our marriage. we then proceeded with a normal evening. That night she came into the bedroom and asked if I wanted her to sleep somewhere else. I replied that if we were going to work on things that I would perfer her to sleep with me if she wanted to. She indicated that she did. I told her the affair had to sop. she assured me that it had.

I told my husband that somebody asked me to tell him to stop conversing with this office mate often because they are becoming the subject of gossips in the office. That was my only way, however, to stop the affair. No one told me about it, just a woman’s intuition. And he agreed to. It was just an emotional affair, I know. But still it hurts, really.

Filed Under: Stopping the Affair
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