Archives for July 2009

Recovery from Infidelity: Mental Shifts

July 13, 2009 by Leave a Comment

Making shifts in one thinking, at least being open to the possibility of there being another way of perceiving a relationship or one’s self, begins the healing and recovery process from infidelity or an extramarital affair.

Here are some shifts made in two case studies:

1. How has this E-course helped you change the way you feel, think and act as you face infidelity. Give examples, if you can.

Everyone thought we were the perfect couple (including ME)and I never even imagined this could happen to US. I now know it can happen to anybody. I have learned that I am okay, and a lot stronger than I ever gave myself credit for, and also, that no one is perfect, no marriage is perfect, but sometimes bad things happen to good people. The course has helped me to realize that there are things I needed to examine and learn about myself as well as my husband, things I didn’t realize I was doing, especially with regard to taking my husband and his love for granted. Only, after having been married for 30 years, it is something we tend to do when we get comfortable, but I thought that was also part of TRUST. What I never expected was to get to this point in our lives, where the kids were grown and (it was supposed to Our Time) only to feel as if that magic carpet has been ripped out from under me. I am certain there were things I probably could have and should have been doing differently, but that ultimately, the affair was His Choice and that in the beginning (Discovery) I was much too hard on myself, and originally went out of my way to understand him, but have since come to a place of acceptance within myself– to try & change the things I can, the courage to accept what I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.

1. How has this E-course helped you change the way you feel, think and act as you face infidelity. Give examples, if you can.

I started the course at a time I was depressed and believing I had done all I could to save my marriage, and all effort had yielded no positive results. The course opened my eyes and I began to see some of the mistakes that I had unknowingly made like involving relatives, friends and seeking counseling from church members. These mistakes had actually isolated us as a family and had made us the subject of gossip among our “so called trusted colleagues.” After going through the 6 series (did not receive day 2 course, I truly agree with you that the discovery was the best thing that happened to us. Our communication has improved and we are more open with each other and are appreciating the character differences between us. We have started on a long journey of recovery from our past and we are moving together as a couple with less hurt.

Filed Under: Recovery From Infidelity Tagged With: ,

Pulling the Plug on the Marriage

July 12, 2009 by Leave a Comment

Sometimes the disrespect and mental abuse it too much. For someone with a “character disorder” an affair is just the tip of the iceberg.

Read these two case studies of those who pulled the plug on the marriage.

1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?

There was so much mental abuse. I can’t believe I let him go on about it without throwing the bum out sooner. He used to tell me about their little rendezvous at motels & how exciting they were. How they’d shower together afterwards & then go home to their spouses. He blamed everything on me or someone else, ie. the kids, his mother, the lack or his father being around, etc. Nothing was ever his fault. He was taking money out of out account to spend on motels, lunches, viagra, you name it….. spending no time with the family. If he was home he’d be in the basement banging on his brums with a headset on, or he’d take walks alone. I’d ask if he wanted company & he’d say ‘not really’.

2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?

After 7 times of him leaving & then coming back crying & begging, I threw the bum out & divorced him. One day he shouted at me saying, “You divorced me! I didn’t want a divorce!’ This is also the idiot that when I told him I was going on a date with someone from work, he said ‘You’re not supposed to go out with other guys’. I’m so much better off physically & especially mentally without him. I do things for myself now, buy clothes, get pedicures, massages & go out with friends. I never did much for myself & as our marriage counselor said, ‘why was this marriage all about him’. Now, it’s all about me!! I’m taking care of ME for the first time in 30 years.

1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?

He says I got us way in debt, when it was him, looking at porn, he belongs to a motorcycle club where alot of girls will show themselves. He takes pictures of them doing it and recently started puling up there shirts. He would also stay out all night and then tell his friends that I was a bitch and yelled at him. When all I would say was could you please get home at a decent hour so you don’t sleep all day so we could have some time together.

2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?

Not getting upset when he tries to start a fight. sending him a e-mail that told him I could not take the way he treated me and if things did not change I could not live like this any more. I told him I loved him very much and I hoped he would want to try to fix our marriage. He chose not to and had an affair and moved in with the girl about 2 months later, I think he was afraid I would divorce him and did not want to be alone so he found someone first, this is the second time he has done this same thing, only we were dating the first time he came back to me 18 months later and said I was the only girl with her head on her shoulders and that I wanted a relationship. Something really wrong with him there is bipolar in his family and his son at 16 went to prison for sexually molesting small children he will be 21 in February he got 4-15. I think he is also.

Filed Under: Infidelity and Tolerations Tagged With: ,

Breaking Free From the Ambivalence

July 11, 2009 by Leave a Comment

This person describes the “I Love You, Stay Away From Me” theme that is often characteristic in psychological language with the “Borderline” personality. “Borderlines” find it difficult to change, especially if the patterns are deeply ingrained.

Read how she managed to break free:

1. How has this E-course helped you change the way you feel, think and act as you face infidelity. Give examples, if you can.

Yes, it definitely has been one of my lifelines during the past year as I try to deal with the sudden shock of an affair. The most important thing I have learned from you Dr. Huizenga, is that I have to focus on myself. A door was opened for me to look into my own soul, my own heart. I tried to avoid that for so long, but once I started there is no turning back. Being honest with myself just feels so darn good! I have finally reached the conclusion to end the relationship that I was in because it was unhealthy for me. I probably knew that subconsciously for the past 10 years or more, but I never wanted to face it. I just accepted his “love me – I need you – get away from me” type of love as what I deserved. I got used to the great joy and passion that came around when he got back into the I need you stage. It was a rush for me to be needed and loved so deeply. However, when he pushed me away I always crashed. I allowed him to humiliate me and reject me for the last time. The strength I have gained from reading your material and your emails over and over and over again has helped me to know that I am worth so much more. I have so much more to offer a man who is capable of accepting my love. I deserve to be happy, and I deserve to be loved. My greatest fear was that I was not worthy of being loved. You have helped me find my inner core – my strength – my love for myself. Once I saw the reality of who he is, the decision to leave became a no-brainer. Funny that I couldn’t see that reality for the past 17 years!

2. What unanswered questions do you have at this point as you cope with infidelity?

Why did it take me 14 months after finding out about the affair to finally get over him? Was that longer than usual? I felt like it was. I felt like I was too damaged to heal quickly. One day after about a year I felt the tiny incklings of healing, and then there was no stopping me. But during the past 14 months I had to still try to prove to him that I had not run away, I was committed to him, I believed in him and me. There was something in me that had to prove I wasn’t a failure at love. I had to prove to myself that I wasn’t selfish and a quitter like my father and my husband accused me of. I thought it would be so selfish to make the decision to leave – but in the end thinking about myself and making a decision for myself has released me from all the anger and most of the pain. I think that is what will help me in dealing with my kids, my family, and the next man in my life. They don’t have to suffer from the pain and anger I carried for so long and took out on everyone – even though I never intended to. Making a decision to leave has increased my own self esteem, but it had to be when I was ready. I guess maybe I just answered my own question about why it took so long for me to get healthy and to decide to leave. It was only after I could take an honest look at my own heart and soul and believe that I would survive that I could decide what it right for me. Thank you Dr. Huizanga – you have honestly been one of my angels and a life saver for me. (And I found your site quite “by accident”.) But there are no coincidences in life. God Bless You.

Filed Under: Infidelity Help Tagged With: ,
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