Archives for May 2009

Confronting the Other Woman Through Email

May 8, 2009 by Leave a Comment

What feels so empowering and freeing about contacting the other person is often the act of stating one’s position. Rare is the other person who will acknowledge or agree with that position, but that fact is often secondary.

If one prepares for a negative and hostile response and can imagine holding one’s own with that onslaught, the confrontation may hold promise.

This woman also found the media of email helpful.

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

To get her to accept the fact that my husband chose to save the marriage. She lives in another country so I confronted her by email. I said that she must respect his wishes if she truly has or had feelings for him. And if she was such a very important person in his life, he would have chose her over me. Its time for her to back off and stop calling to reconnect with him. And the fact that he lied to her as well and made promises that he could not keep. And both of them lived in a fantasy that never would have had a good outcome. I said that you cannot build a new and healthy relationship on a broken marriage and a family had has been destroyed by infidelity. The foundation is full of lies and deceit and would eventually destroy the new relationship that started out of the affair. I also said that I do not know her and I do not know if she has her own motives for the affair. And that I was not willing to hand him over to her on a silver plate. Maybe she is using him? But I also said that if he did chose her I would have let him go. The fact that he did not showed me that the love he, claimed he had for her, was after all not deep enough to leave his marriage.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

She kept on calling and sending emails. But eventually saw that he was not going to respond. She did email me and said that I can be very glad that she lives in another country because she knows that it will not work. And that my husband told her that she made him feel like he never in 20 yrs marriage felt with me. And that she was his true companion and a love like theirs will never be forgotten by either one of them. She said that if love like that happens to two people there are no boundaries because it happens once in a lifetime.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

Would do it again. I expressed my feelings and hoped to get her to see it from my view point. It did not matter much if she did, she is going to believe what she wants anyway. But just maybe I said something that did. It was easy with emails cause I do not think that I would have been able to see her in person. Maybe later when my confidence has been restored I will be able to. I learned that people will believe whatever they want to to make them feel better. I think its easier for the ow to think my husband was madly in love with her and wanted to marry her. So she does not have to deal with the deceit and the lies. Sort of check of of reality, the fantasy is much better to believe. And makes her feel good about herself and me the enemy cause I separated them. But then again she might not be a person with value of morality.

Filed Under: Confronting the Other Person Tagged With: , , ,

Infidelity Truth? Once a Cheater… Always?

May 6, 2009 by 1 Comment

Some believe that once a cheat, always a cheat.

Well, for one kind of affair (“I Don’t Want to Say No“) this is largely true. There is a deeply ingrained long-standing pattern that belies a sense of entitlement and the personal need to exercise power and manipulation over others.

This type of affair is typified in the scenario below as the wounded spouse confronts the other woman (note: texting another man behind the back of another and her response to the confrontation.)

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

My husband had been having a type of “emotional affair.” It was a case of “Just friends” with a work colleague, but at some point she went on vacation with her boyfriend. While in a different country, she emailed “I love you” messages to my husband, behind her boyfriends back. My husband wrote an over the top affectionate email to her, so he could tell her that the friendship had gone too far. When he spoke to her by phone when she got back, he told her that things had gone too far and things should resume to work friendliness only. She ignored him and called relentlessly, about 40 times in 2 weeks. He called casually twice. This whole “affair” thing came to light when he forgot to sign off on his computer and I saw her “ILY” emails right on the screen. He was “caught.” I was in such shock and pain, I asked husband to call here and tell her whatever it was, was over between them. He refused, left the house to call her and tell her it was over. In my immediate shock, I called her at work to simply tell her I knew about her and the emails she’d sent.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

I called her office, she answered the phone and I told her who I was. There was a period of dead silence. I think she was very surprised, and couldn’t talk at first. Then, she said in a very obnoxious tone, “I don’t know you, I’ve never met you.” I said “No, but you know my husband, John Smith (fake name). She then said my marriage problems were between me and my husband. She said a few mean things, and then hung up on me. All I said was that I knew she’d been emailing my husband. She came up with the rest of it.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I don’t know that I learned anything, except perhaps that this woman was extremely cold, and sounded selfish. There was something ugly in the way that she could react with such spitefulness toward someone she knew would obviously be quite hurt and shocked. Even though emotions were going crazy inside me, when I spoke to her, only the sentences I wrote above, I said them calmly to her. I simply let her know I knew about her and I also said there was impropriety if nothing else, in her dealings with my husband. I did nothing undignified, and I’m ok with that. In retrospect, if I had it to do over I probably would not have called. Why even let them get the satisfaction of knowing they impacted you in any way. Postscript: Knowing how destructive and hurtful affairs are, personally, if I was single, I could never be involved with a married man. It just would not ever be right. There is always the woman who is in the background, the wife, and I just could not ever do that to someone else. Never did when I was single, never will. The idea of hurting someone else just isn’t something I could do.

Filed Under: Confronting the Other Person Tagged With: , , , , ,

Making Your Dreams Come True – IN SPITE OF Infidelity

May 4, 2009 by Leave a Comment

…by Jeryl Swantack, the Infidelity Coach

What a beautiful article Dr. Bob wrote in the most recent issue of the Break Free newsletter! I hope you were able to read what he had to share about Susan Boyle and what she demonstrates for all of us to learn about our personal fears, disappointments and anxieties.

So many of us know now about Ms. Boyle and her completely unexpected (to everyone but her and the people closest to her) and stunning recent performance on the TV show, Britain’s Got Talent, the British equivalent of American Idol.

Ms. Boyle stunned the world with her performance of the song “I Dreamed a Dream,” from Les Miserables. The lyrics of that hauntingly beautiful song speak to our souls. They speak of heartfelt dreams that may never be and of those whose fate is yet uncertain.

Dr. Bob illumined for us how Ms. Boyle and her performance touched so many in the deep recesses of our own worst thoughts and possibly unacknowledged negative beliefs about ourselves and our own dreams.

He challenged us to listen to the lyrics of this song, to witness and feel the impact of Ms. Boyle’s performance and reflect upon the circumstances of our own lives and find the powerful, true and beautiful voice that without question lives within each one of us. He challenges us to find the song still unsung in our own hearts and have the courage to share that song with the world.

Infidelity can be the catalyst that rocks our core so deeply that it also serves to unleash beautiful aspects of ourselves that had long ago become dormant and silenced.

What we know about Ms. Boyle is that she never let go of the dream of becoming a famous singing star, in spite of a life that hardly appeared to be the path that would lead to the fulfillment of her dream.

Her path toward stardom was hardly conventional, or was it? We know that Ms. Boyle sang often, in the privacy of her own home, and in a local pub in the company of friends and well-wishing supporters. When asked about her singing in front of the mirror, she shared that she did not see just her own face reflected in that mirror, but imagined herself to be singing in front of the entire world!

Now how prophetic and creative was that image she conjured and held for herself (and all of us who would eventually hear her amazing voice!) as she sang daily in the quiet world of her home, imagining an audience that did in fact and in time become hers!

I wish to challenge you as well, to think about the song that is within you, as yet unsung, but waiting for you to step in front of the microphone (or the mirror of your creative and imaginal mind) and sing.

What within you wants to be freed and shared with the world?

Use your life circumstances to propel you steadfastly in the direction of your own dreams.

What is your unique gift that is yearning for expression? Is it a book not yet written? A film not yet made? A piece of art not yet created? Is it a business not yet launched?

The larger world is waiting for you as it has been waiting for Ms. Boyle to show up.

If you haven’t done so already, join the Break Free community and explore the as-yet-unexpressed potential within you.

Use this time in your life to become more of what you have always yearned to be, setting yourself more and more free of the circumstances of your life.

Make infidelity more than a source of pain and disappointment and USE IT to propel yourself forward into a new life that invigorates and enlivens you. You will be incredibly “attractive” as you do so, attracting into your life more and more of what you truly wish to have. Bring the relationship and life of your dreams into focus and then into reality by

Now is a great time to consider personal coaching with Dr. Bob or myself as a gift to the aspect of you that wants to emerge now out of the often emotionally confusing challenge of infidelity. Let us help you refocus your perspective and reach for the dreams waiting to be made real now in your life.

Filed Under: Surviving Infidelity Tagged With: , ,
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