Archives for April 2009

A common theme in contacting the other woman is: “What does she look like?”

I’m struck by the power of the images we form of the other woman, without actually seeing the other woman.

She’s beautiful? Right? She’s charming? Right? She’s sexy and seductive? Right? She’s a great conversationalist? Right? She has great taste? Right? She’s intelligent? Right? She’s got big boobs? Right? She’s skinny? right?

I suppose we could go on.

But, guess what? The other woman has warts. Believe it. She does. They are there. They MUST be there. She is no better, no worse, than you or anyone else.

Here’s my hope for the human race: We could all have images in our minds of who people truly are… human beings struggling to find their ways, sometimes succeeding in finding their ways, but all with warts, all with doubts, all with fears (except sociopaths… and watch out there) all imperfect bodies, all incapable at times of reaching the orgasm, and all doing stupid and silly things that bring shame and remorse.

Doesn’t that feel better? Don’t you feel better knowing that? Don’t you have less need to compare yourself to others, to not blame and judge and have no need then, to discover their warts?

Confronting the Other woman is often a powerful drive to find those warts.

Case Study:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

it was an affair that started on the internet and my husband never knew her before. he never found out her last name or where exactly she lived. there were very few details they shared with each other . he broke it off with her before i ever found out he was having an affair. but he still talked to her on the phone for 5 more months, always refusing to see her. he said he had started something because our marriage was failing after 30 years. we did truly stop valuing one another, but i never ever could believe he could ever cheat. he did not seem capable. he never changed anything. he was totally decieving me for 9 months while he met her in rest areas and parks, because they were keeping it anonymous. when i found out, all i had was her cel phone, which led to a dead end. he did not care if i found her. he just didnt think i could. he changed his number and i texted her to change hers and she did. they never communicated once after i found out. just totally stopped, but he told me it had been over already for the 5 months since he had seen her. i do not know why he kept calling her, except that he told me she always said nice things to him, and when i would be screaming at him, it wouldnt bother him as much because he had somewhere else to call(go). but he always knew it was wrong. the reason he stopped seeing her was because they met on his boat once. she got on without panties on and he said she was always the aggressive one sexually. he had sex with her one time, that day. on our boat. and he stopped it then. i felt i had to talk to her. to see what she looked like. i could not go on. i spent 4 months pursing how to find her. it is amazing, the story how i did it, but i did. i called a number, it turned out to be her. she at first denied she had an affair with him. that they were only friends. she was now scared because i had her. i knew the address to go with the home number. we talked for 30 minutes. she asked me what i wanted from her, she said she had changed her cell number like i asked and that it had been over for a long time. i said, for her, but not for me. i said i wanted her to apologize, which she did. among other things, i told her i needed to she her. she refused, so i showed up on her doorstep one afternoon. she came to the door. she was an ugly, fat hag, and smugly, i stood there staring at her, while she begged me to leave, that she would call the police, that it was over. i just stood there smiling. then i walked to my car, got in and laughed.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

my counselor said she noticed that i was better after that. i felt it was closure in some way. he is so sorry about the affair and yes, it is true, we are learning to love, respect and honor one another like never before. i have learned that i could not treat my husband like an object ,a slave. he was not perfect either, and realizes that both of us were giving the other reason to build up walls.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

i wish i asked her about what happened. more. but she seemed to be a compulsive liar so it probably wouldn’t have made much difference at all. i do find myself still wishing to find out more of what she is like. he does not want to know her, and i have seen his attitude change over the last 7 months since i found out, to see her for what she was. he knows he was using her, too. he took so long to let go because he felt bad that she had become attached to him, and he did not want to continue to relationship. we are going to a great counselor, and are doing well. i sent her a letter since then, and a book, by beth moore, “get out of that pit” because i know she is a hurting individual and if she ever knew how bad i have been hurt,i have not had one day in 7 months without tears, maybe she will never do it to another person.