The major intent of confronting the other person is usually to break up the affair, generate some sort of shift in the triangle (spouse, other person and cheating spouse) so there is a movement toward resolution.
This wounded spouse had a big strike against him and he was aware of it. His cheating spouse was showing no remorse, no guilt, no fear. It would seem her mind was made.
But, I’ve bumped into many who seemed hell bent on continuing the affair (especially the “I Fell out of Love… and just love being in love”) but at some point make a radical shift and end the affair.
Usually the cheating spouse in the “Fell out of love” affair has some “softness” about him/her. I get the impression the cheating wife below had a “hardness” about her.
So, he appeals to the other man, in hopes he has some sensitivity.
Was it a mistake to tell the other person not to tell the cheating wife about the confrontation? Most likely. And he is aware of this mistake. It fanned the fumes of the affair.
In hindsight, the wounded husband could have gotten about 2 inches from her eyebrows and said, “I’m not tolerating this anymore. I do not share my wife with another person. I’m confronting the other man to find out what he’s made of. And, I want you to know this.”
That intervention would have tested her “hardness” and resolve as well as state a very clear position which is not only attractive but very healthy.
He probably had little to lose with this sort of confrontation.
Here’s the case study:
1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?
My purpose for confronting the other man was partly to bring it out into the open that I knew who he was. I also hoped that he would back off and give me time to try and save my marriage. I had learned who he was by secretly reading my wife’s e-mail (after she had admitted being involved with someone). I also knew from the e-mail that he seemed to feel much more guilt about the situation than my wife did (my wife seemed to feel no guilt whatsoever). I asked him if he was the one my wife was involved with. He said yes. I asked him to back off and he said he would. I also asked him not to tell my wife we had talked, and he said he couldn’t do that because he would have to explain to her why he was backing off.
2. What happened? What was the outcome?
My wife was extremely upset when I told her I had talked to him and immediately went to see him. In the short term I think he did back off a little, at least as far as sex, and stopped letting her stay overnight. They continued to see each other, though. My request that he not tell her made me look sneaky and made my wife angry that I was “interfering with her life”. My wife moved out several months later, is still involved with the other man, and we’re proceeding towards divorce. My wife has even gone as far as introducing him to our children as her friend.
3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?
I would have avoided asking him not to tell her we had talked. I’m not sure if there was a way I could have handled a confrontation that would have had a more positive outcome.