Archives for February 2009

Life is a journey. I know, a trite cliche.

How about: We never “arrive.” As long as there is breath in the lungs we soak up the events and emotions of life, respond internally and externally to them and learn.

Each crisis, such as infidelity, is a seedbed from which new awareness, hope and strength emerge.

The person in the scenario below describes her learning process.

The first time of confronting the other person (or more accurately, venting on the other person) was not by the book. She was not whom she really wanted to be. But… and this is a huge but… she seemed to feel better.

In that process, as ugly as it was, she discovered, at some level, in some way, personal strength.

Later, reflecting on her behavior she had the insight and courage to learn. The second time around – if there was one – she would respond in a way that would do honor to her.

Here’s the story:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

1st time: Purpose: I found husband & OP together at his office, I confronted both of them in shock. I was flooded with emotions, I abused both of them in anger, I called her a scrag, ‘scanky bi#*h’, I was crying. Her response was, ‘don’t lower yourself’ in tears and frustration I made it clear that I possibly couldn’t be any lower so what does it matter what I say to you. Confrontation 2: Over the phone about 2 months into their affair. (My husband was still coming home at 6am to do breakfast and help get kids ready for school and of an evening would come home for dinner & leave after kids had gone to bed, to go to her) Purpose: Phone call to ask her what she thought of situation. She was very disrespectful, her comment was ‘if you had looked after your husband he wouldn’t be doing this.” She also pushed my buttons by saying “Do you think I’m the first girl he’s had an affair with?” I told her that regardless of what my husband said you, as girls we have morals and married men are ‘no go,’ I asked her if she thought she could fix our problems by having an affair with my husband? I also told her ‘what goes around comes around’ and that I can’t wait for this to happen to her because she deserves it. Confrontation many times after this, I was acting very irrationally and engaging with all sorts of thoughts in my head and began making prank phone calls to her and hanging up, I would do this to really annoy the hell out of her even though it was doing me more harm as I kept re living and engaging with the drama of this affair.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

What happened was it became very clear that I knew everything or a lot of what was going on between them, it wasn’t so much a secret anymore and that I knew that their little game was over but knew I had to be careful because it could develop into another form, a stronger bond. Mostly the calls would end with me telling her what a sl#t she was, and how dare she ruin the lives of my 2 young children. On the last occasion I told her that they deserve each other. The outcome: I have to say I felt better. I vented all of my anger onto her (not my husband for whatever reason) I know it’s not healthy but god it felt good to let her know what I really thought and to say a few really crass words to make her feel guilty, angry and ashamed. (the exact 3 words are how I felt through it all) My husband and I are now back together and we are much stronger and happier than ever before, we are still the same but so many shifts have taken place that I know I’m a much better person before the affair took place.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

If I were to rewind the tape to the point where I found them together at work I don’t think I would do anything differently. I said and felt everything that I thought was the best at that point in time, even if it was irrational. If my husband was to have another affair I would certainly respond differently, I’m a much happier, healthier person and my new found strength would allow me to walk away with head held high and my two kids in my arms and I know that we would be okay. I certainly wouldn’t contact the OP because I couldn’t be bothered, the affair would say too much about my husband not me and I would be glad to get out of that horrid situation. Yes…sometimes I have fears and anxieties that it will happen again but mostly I feel free of those emotions….thank goodness