Archives for November 2008

Marital Infidelity: Confronting the other woman

November 22, 2008 by Leave a Comment

This blog continues my series on confronting the other woman (or man.)

In confronting the other woman you may discover a reservoir of strength you never thought you had.

Case Study:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

She was a family friend and his co-worker so I wanted to face her to make sure I got the point across that she needed to stop contacting him. He had told her several times to quit contacting him and she just kept it up. Told him if it happened again his butt was out the door and he would have no second chance.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

She tried to give me excuses of why it happened but I knew she was lying. Then, she apologized, told me it was over and left. I told her to stay away from my husband and my family and if she EVER tried to contact him again I would make her life hell because she swore she told her husband about the affair and I never believed her. She has never contacted him again.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

Yes I would but not differently. I learned that you cannot trust people who are getting buddy buddy with your husband and buying your children gifts. I also learned that I am ALOT stronger than I ever thought I was. It wasn’t me, it was him.

Coach’s Comments:

Fortunately, for this spouse of a cheating husband, her husband was on her side in ending the affair. I would guess that the man enjoyed the strength and aggressiveness of his wife. (Do you suppose he enjoyed, originally, the aggressiveness of the other woman? Maybe we have an interesting pattern here, that he might want to address! And, this could become interesting fodder for the rebuilding of their marriage.)

Looking back the wife was also aware of her intuition telling her that something was amiss with the behavior of the other woman. Pay attention to those inner inklings. It’s not that we enter into relationships highly suspicious, but when the inner signals come, they are usually on target.

You might want to read my blog on why good people have an extramarital affair.

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Confronting the Other Man: Finding Truth of Infidelity

November 21, 2008 by Leave a Comment

If you are searching for the truth, consider going directly to the other person.

Weigh this carefully. Determine the type of affair you are probably facing. (Confrontation might be damaging and less effective for particular types of affairs, better for others.) Rehearse what you want to say. Charge neutral. And… good luck.

Case study:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I had not yet confronted my wife and suspected that she would not be forthcoming when I did confront her; I had the smoking-gun evidence and figured my best chance to get a confession was from the OP. When he answered the phone, I said hello, identified myself as my wife’s spouse, told him I was not going to hassle him, but needed a question asked: did you sleep with my wife?

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

He said, ‘Aww man, don’t put this on me’ (verbatim), and hung up.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

Although that was not an outright confession, his response confirmed for me that he knew exactly what I was talking about. When I later confronted my wife, and over the course of several months, bluffed her into telling me all of the truth I will ever get out of her.Being able to relay what the OP had said seemed to weaken the bond between them. Left to my interpretation, his words meant, ‘Don’t blame me, blame your wife’. I’m not sure how I would handle it if I had it over to do again. I am a very emotional person, and require that I deal with emotional experiences fully – so I guess I would handle it the same unless I was grieving differently.

Coach’s Comments:

There obviously is a huge gap in this marriage. Fear of confrontation? Guilt? Shame? We don’t know. We do know that the husband believed his wife was so tightly shut down that they could not engage in a constructive conversation. Whether this was a long standing pattern or a result of the infidelity, again, we don’t know.

Confronting the other man seemed to work well for him in discerning the truth. Direct. Charging neutral. His approach and demeanor with the other person most likely was helpful in getting a response which helped clarify the truth.

His intervention with the other man, as well, seemingly shut off some of the juice of the affair relationship. In this case, a nice by-product of the confrontation. (Do you get the feeling that the other man was “using” his wife and didn’t want HER problems?)

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Infidelity, Sexual Addiction and Denial

November 20, 2008 by 1 Comment

Denial or refusal to face the truth is a strong characteristic of the “I Can’t Say No” type of affair.

Over time one sees that the denial becomes stronger and the acting out behavior becomes more frequent with more dire consequences (that, again, are ignored.) The impact of infidelity and betrayal at this point can be profound.

Confronting the other person, or persons in this case, may help one gather the truth.

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

To find out who they were. How they knew my partner.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

Several were hookers, (I later found out). Others were dates from the internet and they told me the truth.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

No. I felt better after I talked to the women. My partner tried to lie and I told him I already knew, then later he admitted it was true. I learned the truth by calling them. If I had not then I would have always wondered what the truth was.

Coach’s Comments:

Confronting the other person, or persons, often leads to the truth in the “I Can’t Say No” type of affair.

Why? Because these relationships hold little emotional investment. The OP feels no particular loyalty to the cheating spouse. The degree of emotional separation also may be an indicator of how far along the cheating spouse is in terms of his/her addiction.

The next step for the above spouse is to use her information to confront her husband, with the intent of breaking through the denial – which happened.

Following that break through, it would be hoped that he seek some sort of treatment or at least begin to acknowledge the magnitude of his problem and find paths to cope and survive the infidelity.

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