Archives for November 2008

Infidelity and the Truth: Not in the Emotional Affair

November 25, 2008 by 3 Comments

Do you believe that if you confront the other woman, she will tell you the truth?

Hardly, since an affair is built upon deception.

The emotional energy demanded by this type of affair can be intense.

Read this case study and my comments:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

To find out how far the emotional affair had gone.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

She denied communications with my husband, which I already saw from the cell phone charges and knew she was lying. She also blamed him for contacting her and that she was just talking to him to help him work on his marriage. The outcome was my husband was angry with her for blaming him for a friendship she initiated, and she no longer wanted anything to do with him because he was married with a family.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

Yes, I would have confronted her the first time she hung up on me when I answered the phone(6 months earlier). I wouldn’t have contacted her – I knew what was going on. I should have separated from my husband and made him face what he was doing without a cushion of being home with his family. I will have less compassion for my husband or the lonely other woman.

Coach’s Comments:

I’m guessing we’re dealing with a form of the “I Fell out of Love… and just love being love” type of affair. This affair revolves around the emotional component.

And, someone involved in an emotional kind of affair is usually (please note, there are exceptions to patterns) a fairly dependent person who focuses his/her life on eliciting from others feedback that will make him/her feel good. Good feelings often come as a result of outside triggers rather than from inside one as they live out their life with purpose, standards and well grounded values.

This person will “play” those people in his/her life to create and guard his/her feelings. Deception is often part of this “playing” since s/he must manipulate his/her world to maintain those “feelings” and keep others away from discovering or her/his disclosing her/his inner emptiness.

Don’t expect the truth here.

Filed Under: Confronting the Other Person Tagged With: , ,

Infidelity Impact: How to Cope with the Affair

November 24, 2008 by 3 Comments

How does infidelity change one’s life? What is it’s impact? Read what these two readers say. If you’ve been there you might understand. If you haven’t been there it will help you understand the impact of infidelity:

I spend a lot of time thinking about how things could be different. I create fantasy partners, who love and cherish me, and help or inspire me to find hidden talents in myself. I wish I were different – prettier, more clever, more athletic, more alluring – but I don’t how to make those changes. And I’ve stopped sharing things about my marriage with those people I used to confide in.

I know longer trust him, I check his cell phone, his clothes, and his vehicle. I stay angry at him most of the time, something happens that brings back all of the pain, and it doesn’t help that he still works in the same company with them. I feel insecure, not desirable, I have more self- doubt. He tells me I just need to get over it there is worse things than someone having a affair, but not in “My World”. I trusted him with all of my heart and all he could say was, I took him for granted, we both made mistakes now just get over. And what’s the worst part I know he still in contact even though he tries to act like he’s not.

Filed Under: Infidelity Impact Tagged With: ,

Healing the Marriage After Infidelity

November 23, 2008 by 2 Comments

What does it take to heal a marriage after infidelity? Usually it’s more than healing – it’s a matter of redesigning a relationship.

Here are what some couples do and find helpful in healing the wound:

Do things to make you feel good about yourself, whether it be associating with positive people who make you feel good about yourself, keeping yourself fit, picking flowers , appreciating the sunrise and sunsets… Having a wonderful little grandson who brings such joy to us as a couple and makes you realize that there is a lot to be said for continuance and history and moving on. Naturally the departure of the OP is a big help, particularly if the relationship ends on a sour note! My husband is not a talker and would run a million miles if I tried to but we have nice meals together in front of the fire with our old dog and nice wine and hold hands and I am in 7th heaven. Don’t have expectations that are too big and accept them for the person they are.

1. It is important to become a person with other interests, therefore attending outside activities. 2. You need to accept that it takes time to heal. 3. Keep busy and do not “visit” the place in your mind constantly.

Wrote letters to each other

Talk to a caring family member. apologizing to each other for what causes the cheating. Go out, talk about the days when we were courting and why we still love each other.

Filed Under: Marriage Makeover Tagged With: , ,
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