Archives for October 2008

Marital Infidelity and It’s Pain: You are not Alone

October 22, 2008 by 1 Comment

I hear over and over again of the pain one slams into when confronted with infidelity.

And, if that isn’t enough, most think either in the front of their mind or in the back, that something is wrong with them. They shouldn’t be feeling the agony they feel.

If you feel the pain and struggle with your mind, you are not alone.

Listen to these case studies as two people respond to my question:

1. List 3 or 4 meanings that your partner’s affair has for you. That is to say, what impact is the infidelity having upon YOU? For example, how has is changed what you think about? how you spend your time? how you think of yourself? etc? Tell a story or give examples of how your life is now different.

1 – Think about it all the time. Hard time thinking about ANYTHING else
2 – Go from sad and crying to mean and mad several times per day
3 – Think of ways to keep busy so I won’t have to think about IT
4 – Hard time trying to stay happy about life
5 – Want to know what will happen NOW, don’t want to wait – impatient

I am hurt, lonely, devastated, stressed, insecure, self esteem is shot and nervous about everything in my life. I have lost so much weight, my hair fell out at a rate of unbelief but I feel great and look wonderful but my mind goes 24/7 and I feel out of control with thoughts about what he said to me. “I like her and she likes me and it’s all about the sex but I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you”, he lies and cheats and I am in a box. What kind of sex is he having I ask myself since he said our sex life was great, I just do not understand and never will. I cannot afford to leave at this time and I do nothing but cook for myself clean house and do the yard work. I don’t mind but I miss the conversation, sharing, intimacy and fun we use to have and it’s hard to start over at 59 I am out of the game so to speak he is 52 and his new mate is 30 and understands him and he can talk to her, he broke the bond and everything in his life changed including him, the way he talks to me is just awful. I get no pleasure out of looking at him as I see a different person and not the man I fell in love with he is angry, hateful, rude and uncaring about everything and he does not like himself and feels no remorse or guilt and that is hard to swallow for me. I am bored out of my mind I do not have allot of friends and my family is so far away and I just feel lost without him as I always felt in my heart he was my one and only life time partner. I will get through this and be on my way as soon as the property sells and I will start fresh and have a great life that I deserve and maybe even someone to share it with. I am not a needy person just sad about the whole thing. My heart is just broke and I feel cheated of 18 years of my life!!!! Thanks for listening.

Sometimes it’s helpful to talk it through in a supportive affirming environment. Check out infidelity coaching.

Filed Under: Infidelity Coaching Tagged With: , ,

Coping with Infidelity: When to “Let Go”

October 21, 2008 by Leave a Comment

Should I stay or should I go? And, when will I know when to go? Can this marriage be saved? When will I know it’s salvageable?

These are pressing and legitimately powerful questions when coping with infidelity.

Part of the task is identifying the markers along the way that tell you when the relationship is beyond repair.

Read this case study:

My wifes father died of cancer 30 days following diagnosis. She spent these days renewing a past friendship with her step brother, that eventually turned to a relationship where she came to me 6 months later to acknowledge she loves him. My immediate response was to close the door, that this was not repairable with her family and all. She begged me to hang in there and give her time to sort these feelings out. I decided to do this based on some understanding I had from your book. I did everything I could to “backoff” and give her the space she needed to sort herself out for 8 weeks. Following that I was getting very tired of the roller coaster weeks and knowing that every step forward she would make toward us, she would take two steps backward for him. I’ve felt like I am the only person actually trying to work on this. I made a decision then to allow her some additional time to allow us the opportunity to sort our finances in the even of a divorce and with that we talked allot better. She told me she was planning to fly and see him (he lives 1500 miles away) and I told her this was unacceptable and too painful for me to even comprehend. She went in spite of my feelings and following the weekend, I determined it needed to end. My closure has come from the question I asked her “will you ever be able to end this with him?” – she could not answer this question. I honestly believe I have done everything I could within my will to try and save what I felt was a great marriage with some issues. We are getting ready to meet for a final “get on the same page” meeting, and all I can still think about is ways to save this marriage. I cant help but feel this relationship originated for wrong reasons based on her love for him as a brother, but know now that her decision to fly and see him in spite of my knowing and hurt is bigger than a case of misguided feelings through the course of grieving a father. I know this has little to do with your question, but I felt like telling the story. Thanks for your help.

Filed Under: Infidelity Help Tagged With: , , , ,

Advice for the Cheater and Healing from Infidelity

October 20, 2008 by Leave a Comment

Where, when and how does the healing from infidelity begin?

That’s the question I ask:

1. Jot down a turning point between you and your partner that helped the two of you move in a positive direction. Tell the story, if you would.

We were trying to work things out. Being married 29 years, his affair was a shock. I threw up, prayed, hit the treadmill to feel alive, and lost 28 pounds. The turning point came when we took a trip to Lake Tahoe. We had a few drinks and everything poured out of both of us. If you are the one who cheated, please come clean with all the details he/she wants to know all at once. If you find things out every few weeks, such as where you went together, the hidden cell phone, etc., it’s like ripping the scab off every time and reliving the nightmare again and again. You go back to day one. The healing can’t begin until everything is out on the table for the sun to hit it. Don’t think you’re sparing our feelings because we look now for evidence and we WILL find out eventually. Be honest, transparent and know: it takes at least a year to not think about it every moment. Be patient because we will be moody. Also know, it’s worth it. You CAN have a better, stronger, loving marriage again. Both of you have to want it and do a lot of self examination. BTW, let go of the “what if’s”. Look forward, not back. (That’s the hard part)

Filed Under: Infidelity Help Tagged With: ,
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