You discover what you thought you would never discover: your spouse, best friend, fellow parent and bed partner is having an extramarital affair.
Are you tongue-tied?
Or, do you give tongue-lashings?
Those who sign up for one of my coaching packages often suffer from one or the other, or they alternate between being tongue-tied one moment and hand out a tongue-lashing the next.
You are frozen with pain and fear. Fearful that what you might say will drive a deeper wedge and him/her to the OP (other person). Or, you don’t know what to say because your mush-like mind is swollen with confusion. And, so you say nothing.
Or, Your pain, hurt or rage is so great there is no containment. It comes out. It spews out. In desperation you flail, hoping something will hit the mark and create sanity, will somehow drive things back to what they predictably were.
People often find my coaching helpful because we fashion together “words to say” that slice the silence or quell the clamor. We come up with what I call Laser Phrases. Laser Phrases:
1. Are short and to the point. They cut down the verbiage and yet say something that is heard.
2. Speak the truth concisely. They cut to the core of what a person REALLY wants to say. This truth is spoken without rancor or judgment. It comes from the heart. It comes from the “higher” self. It penetrates and gives plenty of room for reflection.
3. Are specific to the kind of affair. For example, saying “I’m here for you” is appropriate for the affair, “I need to prove my desirability” and totally unhelpful for “I don’t want to say no.” Likewise, “I’m glad I’m not in your shoes” could be powerfully effective for “I don’t want to say no” and prove a setback for “I need to prove my desirability.”
4. Are spoken with body language, tone of voice, posture, etc. that uses “charging neutral,” one of the tools and skills I teach in my ebook. One speaks not as a wimp nor as a tyrant. One conveys the phrase in a way that communicates “You must deal with me.”
Here’s a coaching client who discovered her husband’s affair. He ended the affair and suffers from extreme guilt. She is feeling the betrayal and devastation and has hundreds of questions and wants to talk. He will respond often but at times she sees him staring into space. You can image what she thinks he might be thinking, which triggers floods of feelings and thoughts.
We are rehearsing how she might handle this situation. For example, she might try making a comment, gentle but direct: “I wonder where you just went to??? with perhaps a smile on her face. Or, “are you aware that you are distancing, or is it just me? “Is there anything I can do that will help you come back here?
Again, these possible Laser Phrases fit well the context of their extramarital affair.
Please understand that Laser Phrasing is easier said than done. It takes self awareness. It takes an understanding of the kind of affair that faces you. It takes rehearsal. It takes self acceptance.