Archives for October 2006

Extramarital Affair: Their Sex Isn’t Always “Hot”

Yesterday two of my coaching calls were with those who had the extramarital affair.

Both of them hugely regret the extramarital affair. Not only that, they explicitly described their sexual relationship.

And, their sexual encounters left them cold. Literally!

The first was a male who seemingly struggled through extramarital affair #6: I need to prove my desirability.? He described a life-long pattern of struggle with self-esteem. (Now, this is not news – most of us at some level question our esteem – but for him, it was more intense.)?

He found someone (or maybe was was found by someone) 15 years younger who flattered him. It felt good. The flirtatious relationship lasted for some months. He reported that they “tried” to have sex on a couple occasions. The result was terribly unsatisfying and only compounded his guilt.

The second person was a female who also encountered someone 15 or so years her junior. Of their infrequent attempts, she recalls being traumatized to the extent that she felt like it “wasn’t her.” She did remember that he was unable to get an erection. I’m now working with her and her husband to “makeover” their relationship.

I bring this up to help those of you who think that the sex your spouse/partner had with the other person was something just a tad short of stupendous, or maybe was indeed a stupendous event.? (Sex perhaps was on one level “good” – at least from their perspective – but this is only true for particular kinds of affairs.) Actually, I believe sex can NEVER be as good in an extramarital affair as it truly can be in a committed relationship founded on truth and integrity. But, perhaps more of that later.

Please keep in mind that you may indeed be idealizing their sexual encounters.

Many of you have difficulty shaking thoughts and vivid images of your spouse having wall-banging sex with the other person. This is OK. It’s normal. Our culture sends a plethora of distorted messages concerning sex. One of them is: sex is “hot” when you are with your affair partner. Not always true!

I hope this little quickie offers a reality test for your thinking.