I’m offering a free webinar on 9/30 on C.O.P Confronting the Other Person Considering the 7 Types of Affairs.
If you haven’t already, you can sign up now.
One of those who signed up for the webinar emailed me two emails he sent to the other person. He is more than willing to share these emails with you, with names omitted.
The wife reconnected with someone she was engaged to and continued to email, text and Facebook.
This is the husband’s first letter to the OP.
Please leave your comments below. Give your impressions, what you learned, questions or concerns. Refrain from harsh criticism or effusive praise. We are here to learn from each other.
The first email:
(Name of OP….)
We have never met but by now you know everything about me and my life with (wife’s name) and the kids. As you know we are going to counseling starting today. It has been a tough 10 days for me as I search myself and ponder everything that has brought us to this point. (Wife’s name) does give you credit for speaking up and saying something to me about our relationship. For that I thank you.
However, I am asking that you now step back if you can from (wife’s name) as we try to heal our relationship. I love her more than I have ever shared. I have never been unfaithful to her and yes….I have had some episodes where I have said some mean and inappropriate things to her and the family. I cannot make excuses but I know that I need to re-program my mind to live in the moment, seek some stress counseling, and become a better husband.
(Wife’s name) has shared some devastating news with me in regards to her feelings towards me and in order for us to move forward I cannot have her emotions clouded with feelings or thoughts towards you and your past relationship. I know you and (wife’s name) were very close and I frankly do not have a problem with you being friends or even having lunch together in the near future….but only after our situation is healed.
(OP’s name)….from what (wife’s name) has told me it appears that you do not have any design on her. However, I fear that she has become emotionally attached to what could have been and I cannot believe that it is healthy for you and her to continue such in-depth phone conversations…..over 35 hours in 2 months. When I saw that today I was devastated and in trying to get (wife’s name) to open up with me all week I had a hunch there was more to this entire situation.
I write this email taking a chance that if and when (wife’s name) finds out, she will not feel I have overstepped my bounds. However I feel compelled to contact you and give you my perspective because you are such a large part of this situation.
I have no idea what will happen with the counselor. I do know that (wife’s name) has focused on much of the negative, yet there is so much more to our previous 22 years together as we have built our family. I can only hope and pray that she begins to focus on some of those times too.
(OP’s name)….I thank you for your time and I hope at some time we do meet. I believe we would get along well, at least (wife’s name) has always said that.
Thank you again.
(huband’s name)
1st email. I would not have said he has no problem with them being friends or meeting up for lunch AFTER he and his wife healed. I would have stressed no contact whatsoever. Also he should not have said that if they ever meet he believes they would get along!!! This sounds like he is allowing this other person to stay in their life and they could all “get along together” In his email he THANKED the other person three times. The same person who is the third party in this whole mess. Sorry, did not agree with this email. Helen
I agree with Helen’s comments…no contact is essential (in my opinion)for this husband and wife to rebuild their relationship. The “presence” of the other person will be a distraction at the least, and potentially a huge obstacle or interference for the rebuilding of their relationship if any future contact was condoned. The husband has no idea what is going on in the other person’s head. Is he willing to back off…discourage the man’s wife from thinking of ANY possibility of a continuing or future relationship between them??? Allowing or condoning continued contact in my thinking conveys the possibility of a willingness to share his wife with someone else.
Personally, I do not agree with this first email in any shape and form,,, I would use the phone not a letter and I would have just said the following in a short, concise and straight forward manner: ” With what right are you involved and imposing in my marrital relationship? Get out Immediately. ” Then I would hang up. I would also tell my cheating spouse that you will be doing and telling the OP this and I would do it in front of him or her. Then, I would tell my cheating spouse,,, “I have all the right to know the truth and to be involved in this affair by doing and saying this.” and I would then tell my cheating spouse, ” I will be just fine, I do not know what will happen between the two of us, but either way whatever will happen, I will be just fine.” I would also tell him this in a firm and calm tone of voice. Then leave his or her presence and leave him or her alone for a long while.
I think this is an incredibly mature and reasonable approach but I am not sure I think it will work. It is naive to think she will give up this outlet completely and there is certainly a risk the contact will annoy and embarass her, though it is possible to hope that she will come to realise she has been using this other person as a substitute for confronting and healing issues in her marriage. It is not unreasonable to feel thankful to the person who made you wake up and decide to do something about a problem relationship but that is not the same as tolerating an ongoing emotional afair, that leaches all the love out of a marriage. My greatest concern would be what this guy was getting out of his relationship with the wife, and therefore how he would react to this. In addition there is a risk of simplistic thinking by the husband that if this just didn’t exist everything ould be OK. Whereas in fact things might get worse when she focuses those negative feeling fully on him…