When discovering infidelity in a marriage there is one important and first question that must be asked.
Not asking this question and attempting to answer it honestly often slows the healing and change process.
to Survive and Cope with Infidelity and Extramarital Affairs
When discovering infidelity in a marriage there is one important and first question that must be asked.
Not asking this question and attempting to answer it honestly often slows the healing and change process.
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When I found out about my husband’s affair, the one thing that poured out of me was that I loved him so much. The love in my heart was the only thing constant for me. Your questions are powerful and yes I asked myself most of those. Do I long for what we once had? No. That is changed forever. What I long for is a lifetime of new love with him. There is no doubt in my mind that although he was the one to have the affair, both of us were in places of unhappiness and distance. We’ve been married for 34 years. In those years, life got in the way. And when that happens you sort of assume things will be as they are and you move from day to day often times never even taking care of the thing you love most. So do I long for what we had? No. Our new love is way better…because we take the time for each other no matter what else there might be to take care of in our family and work and in life. Was I embarrassed? Of course I was…still am. Embarrassed because his affair was a wake-up call for me. It made me take notice of me and to be honest, there were changes that I needed to make. I’m not saying his affair was my fault. I’m saying that to every story there are pages and pages and layers and layers. 34 years of marriage is not written by one person. Do I want all of this to just go away? Of course. The pain involved often steals the breath from me. But if this had not happened, if we had not had this wake-up call, who knows what life would have brought us. My husband is remorseful and sorry and ashamed by what he did. And on those days when it’s hard, he watches me and my tears and it makes him sad to know that he is the cause of all of it. But he also knows that I love him and he loves me and when those moments come, well, that’s when we are closest. When you open your heart and you share and you talk and you hug and yes, you love, again…different than before…better than before. Dr. Bob, thank you for the help you offer. I can’t tell you how many times you have helped me catch my breath and redirect. Thank you.
I came home to find my husbands lover in our home 4 mos ago. I had no idea, I mean I felt that I was the luckiest woman in the world. I loved and shared my life with my Sweet Prince and he shared with everyone how much he loved me. Now 4-5 mos later, after much pain, after being told that the affair was partly my fault, I don’t know this person anymore, and what little I do know I do not like. I have gone through this process alone, he wants me to get over it after all it has been 5 months and I need to stop playing the victim. If I saw or felt that the man I loved was still there somewhere I would want to stay in the marriage, but I don’t like what I see and feel in this moment I do not want to share my life with someone who wants me to change to suit his needs when he hasn’t even taken the time to consider mine. I am so very confused and tired of having to deal with this when 4-5 mos ago I couldn’t have been happier or more grateful.
I hear the first two and can definately feel the last one. It has been four years since the discovery of my husbands affair and it still hurts. I am not sure people are truly honest when they say they ask that question and some how feel compeled to say they don’t consider it. First when a spouse cheats, it has nothing to do with the wounded spouse. If a marriage was bad and life happended, why didn’t you cheat? Adultery is a single act brought on by slefish desires and wants. A bad marriage or a great marriage isn’t going to stop a person who puts their desires over the feelings of their loved ones. On top of dealing with a living death, no one should be made to feel they drove another person to hurt them. That is insane to think. If your spouse was beating you would you feel you asked for it because you didn’t cook dinner or wash the closthes right, no. I am strong enough now to say whatever was wrong with our marriage, it didn’t cause me to deserve this. I didn’t like my husband anymore than he liked me at the time of the affair, but I didn’t decide to commit an act that would devistate him. Infidelity is an act of an infidel. You can save your marriage if you first be truthful with your feeling and stop the scapegoat of blaming yourself for another persons actions. Example: In a court of law I can never say a person made me kill them because we had issues with each other. The jury, judge and God would have expected me to deal with my issues without committing murder. I would have had a choice with clear understanding of the consequences. Well adultery is the same way. The act is thoughtless and selfish. The cheating spouse isn’t thinking “My sweet wife is hard to communicate with so I have to sleep with this person I can’t get off my mind to help her communicate better”. That is not the thought. The thought barely considers you at all. You probably come into mind after the fact when the second or more meetings are arranged. That is when they think about how to lie to you if they get caught. God said put away resentment. If you don’t acknowledge what has occurred, you will grow more resentful. The truth will set you free. You and your spouse deserve the second chance if your answer to the question was truthful. I love this person, but I am not sure I want to be with them. It starts a clean slate to work from. Talk to your spouse and you will find out they agree with you. My husband ministers to others all the time about his choice to cheat was his and had nothing to do with me. We have started a new life with old wounds. We talk about those wounds openly.
I found out today that my husband was cheating on me. I have suspected it for over a year. My son died less than two months ago, and I had a profound state of grief during his cancer and of course during and after his death. My husband felt that I had buried myself in grief, and I wasn’t living up to his expectations. He said he didn’t know if he wanted to be with my anymore. He was the love of my life. We have been together over 25 years. I thought he was my soul mate.
I became suspicious at an office Christmas Party where the woman walked up to him, put both her hands on him and behaved in an intimate manner. I was shocked. I had never seen my husband behave this way. Of course he told me I was suspicious, controlling and anxious over nothing. She’s young enough to behis daughter, the old goat. She is rich, beautiful, marvelous cars, trips first class to everywhere, beautiful hair, nails, etc. and enough cosmetic surgery to make her look great.
I am 67, I recently lost my wonderful son, and I am in a tragic state of grief.
I found out today that all my suspiciouns are true. He says she threw him out. My husband who always treated me with such warm love, turned into a monster of being demeaning, degrading, and highly critical. Nothing I could do was right. If I was positive, I was too positive. It really came to that.
Obviously he was looking for reasons to hate me to justify his affair.
Tonight, having found out, I am hearbroken but greatly relieved. The crazy-making has stopped. He can no longer accuse me of being possive, vigilant and jealous. I’ve obviously had my reasons, because this is not my usual behaviour. But I had a hunch, a very strong hunch for over a year. I should have trusted my gut in the first place.
My husband sees this other woman every single day at work. I really don’t know what I’ll do next. Changing jobs in this economy is difficult.
I think I will call her at the office on Monday and talk to her. My husband already told her that I know. She was really angry, according to my husband. Of couse I don’t believe a word he says.
I so wish I had enough income to support myself, and I wish he would go away. On the other hand, there’s this feeling of mine that I love him more than life itself. I had seriously considered suicide before I found out tonight.
This is a mess. If he were contrite, and begged me to take him back, that would be one thing. But he still doesn’t know if he loves me or wants to be with me.
I am hurt to the core of my being.
Doris, kick the (&*(*& to the curb. Let yourself go and start a new life. He doesn’t deserve you. Don’t call her, just let it go. Walk away and get a job, get your own place and get your own life. He’ll come crawling back to you and want you more than ever. But…you won’t want him. Men like this ALWAYS come back- like a case of the runs. If you need a way to stop loving him, just think about whatever there is about him that makes you sick. Like if he pees on the floor of the bathroom in the middle of the night, or if he farts in bed at night, or his poopy underwear. He is a bad man, and you are not a stupid woman because you trusted and loved a bad man. She( the slut he had the affair with) may be young and beautiful, but any woman who would do that to another woman(especially after the death of a child) has a cold and ugly heart of stone- the woman is a beast. We reap what we sow. One day she will be old and some hot chick will do this to her. It is just the way things are. – Darla