tolerating infidelity

Tolerating Infidelity: Played like a Violin

The fear of losing it all or other internal factors often keep the wounded spouse hanging on for hope and some sign that the affair will end and sanity will reappear.

The cheating spouse often plays into that fear with manipulative efforts that keep the spouse “at home” and at the same time offer him/her the opportunity to play.

The wounded spouse grabs onto the “niceness” or words of endearment but is thrown into near despair the next moment he walks out the door to be with the OP.

Read how these two women tolerate such behavior. Note also the resolve with the second person to set some boundaries.

Response to my question: What do you tolerate or put up with?

“Still talking with op on cell phone,coming home late,drinking a little too often, little snide remarks to see if he can get a rise out of me,and saying I still don’t know if I want to be married but turns around in the very next moment and does something really nice to give me some sort of hope then turns right around and takes a big notch out of it, all around mood swings from one min. to the next.”

“1. Keeping his cell phone text messages secret between “her” and him. 2. Taking off on Saturdays and not hearing from him until Monday—always has an excuse of where he is but deep down I know he’s spending it with her. 3. Know when he’s lying but don’t call him out; let it go and just try to project love. 4. Letting him continue to play family with me and our kids while we are separated; he has his own place now but stays weeknights with me and the kids. 5. Can’t keep riding this yo-yo relationship; over 2 years now and I must let go and stop pretending we are a family….I need to STOP this madness; stand up for myself and say NO its enough…get my own social life. Let go of the dream of being a family again.”

Tolerating Infidelity: What is REALLY Bad?

How much does a person tolerate or put up with concerning the destructive behavior of a cheating spouse?

There is no clear cut answer. However, I use some guidelines. Look at three factors:

1. How frequent is the destructive behavior?
2. How intense is the destructive behavior when it happens?
3. Does the person exhibit any desire and/or capacity to begin changing those behaviors?

Here’s a case study of a person working on affair recovery. Is she doing ok? What would you do differently?

Case study:

1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?

Withholding of affection, dirty looks, implied criticism, impatience, and then being accused of all the things above which HE is doing. Sex is brief and selfish, resentment is ever-present, and he indulges in rage/tantrums if I ask him what’s going on NOW.

2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?

I pick up and leave the house, go do some errands or whatever, return after an hour or so, and ask him if he wants to leave, or should I? Then he will talk and say what’s “really” on his mind, which is always some thing that he has in his head that I should to make things all better, but am not doing. If I’m not doing it, it’s because it’s not sensible, or I have a very good reason for not doing it, and then I have to tell him that and then he seems to get it for a while and becomes “nice,” which will last until he gets the next idea that he won’t disclose so that we can fully communicate what’s going on about it. Just neurotic and rather boring. If he had gone off with the OP, she would have to put up with this crap instead of me. That would be justice. Too bad she can’t afford him and I’m stuck with him. It’s up to him to get his crap together, and I let him know that, and try to give him a safe space to do that in without taking too much disrespect. Honestly, when will he quit acting out his childhood? I taught him EFT in hopes he would use it when he feels his hysteria coming on. Maybe he’ll use it and maybe it’ll help. Or I could do it for him in surrogate fashion. That would be ironic. At least it helps me in “charging neutral.” But my health is getting delicate, as I am worn out with all his antics and drama. I don’t/can’t care all that much any more. If someone DOESN’T want you to love them very much, if any, THEY are screwed up. A love diet is not what I want, nor do I want to be his momma. What a turn-off. I chose badly, and now here we are. Trying to make the best of it. Not what I had in mind, but ok if it works out.