Confronting the other woman: Deflection

Could it be that confronting the other woman may deflect from other, more powerful, concerns and issues?

Read this case study:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

My purpose was to try to get her to realize that she wasn’t special, just a number in my husband’s collection of mistresses over the years. I called her and told her that he would leave her and come back to me and that it would be short lived. I was right.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

She ignored me and didn’t believe a word I said. I don’t know why I was surprised.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

No, I wouldn’t bother again. Why should I try to warn someone of something that may hurt them when they are knowingly perpetuating an act that was hurting me, without any regards for my feelings. It was just pointless.

Coach’s comments:

Contacting the other person may be a deflection. As in the above case, it would seem that that spouse is willing to tolerate serial adultery on the part of her husband.

Now, as unusual as that may seem to some, the capacity to put up with sequential affairs is common to the “I Don’t Want to Say No” type of affair.

The spouse usually has a huge investment of some sort in the marriage and the husband. He tends to live with the assumption that he “deserves” or is “entitled” to his play time, usually because of his position or power. (John Edwards, Bill Clinton, other political/business figures. Every wonder why their wives don’t leave them? Actually Edward’s wife’s cancer may be a case of her “leaving” him. What a tragedy!)

So, rather than confronting the cheating husband or spouse the “offended” spouse may focus his/her attention elsewhere, as in the above case where she contacts the OP. This keeps the marriage viable because of mutual need, at some level, to maintain the marriage.