Marriage After Infidelity: When Working on the Relationship Is Not Working

April 24, 2012 by 3 Comments

Rebuilding a marriage after infidelity is never easy, and couples who are in a “polarized” relationship, where one needs to talk things through and the other just wants to move on, are faced with the added problem of having to deal with this barrier of not being able to communicate. Communication is one of the biggest tools that you need when rebuilding a marriage after infidelity.

The following are some of the other common issues that “polarized” couples have to deal with:

1. Usually, one or even both of the partners feel the need to kind of sacrifice their needs for the other because they want to be able to make their partner happy. This only really works for a little while because having to set aside one’s personal needs for a long period of time eventually causes resentment and anger. You might see it as admirable that you are setting your needs aside for you to be able to cater to your partner, but it is actually cowardly. Having the courage to ask, not demand, for your needs to be met will come a long way in restoring respect and trust in your marriage.

2. Also, the couple sometimes takes for granted the opportunity to really look into their issues, take them apart and try to fix them. They tend to have a let’s-start-over attitude about the whole thing and ignore their problems instead of finding solutions to get through them. Although it is easier to “leave the past in the past” and forget everything that’s happened, there is no guarantee that those issues won’t resurface after some time. In fact, they most definitely will sooner or later. So it is much more beneficial for your relationship to dig into those issues and face them as soon as you are able.

3. And lastly, what occurs in most instances is that after the initial efforts made in working on the relationship, the couple reverts back to their old ways and loses the progress they make. They go back to the way they used to be – how they acted, talked and treated each other in the past becomes the norm once again. This is a crucial part in rebuilding a marriage after infidelity — to maintain the progress and the changes  that you’ve made. And it takes real, conscious effort — at least for a certain time — for you to really be able to make those changes a part of your routine and a part of your life.

Filed Under: After the Affair, Infidelity and Tolerations, Infidelity Coaching, Infidelity Decisions, Infidelity Fears, Infidelity Help, Infidelity Impact, Infidelity Statistics and Tidbits, Marriage Makeover, Personal stuff, Recovery From Infidelity, Relationship Tips, Relationships: Marriage, Surviving Infidelity Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Consistency: Building Trust in Your Relationship

April 19, 2012 by 3 Comments

There is plenty of advice being put out there regarding building trust in your relationship. Most of it is true and helpful, but a lot of it won’t do you any good.

Here is one piece of advice that will be beneficial: Be consistent. A lot of people in relationships or marriages say that they want to be surprised, they want spontaneity, and they don’t want to be stuck in a rut. And although this is true enough in most situations, they also don’t want to be shocked or caught by surprise by sudden changes in your behavior all the time as well.

Your partner wants to think that he or she knows you and knows what you will do. Your partner wants you to be consistent in your actions, your feelings, your behavior, your treatment of him or her, and everything else. Your partner wants to be able to expect or predict how you will react or respond to whatever situation that might go your way.

Sudden changes in your behavior – losing weight, dressing differently, acting differently – these things tend to cause suspicions and doubts that lead to your partner suspecting you of things that may or may not be happening, and end up destroying the trust in your relationship.

You may think that being consistent means being predictable, which is something that everyone does not want to be. But consistent doesn’t always have to mean predictable, and predictable doesn’t always have to mean boring. Be spontaneous, be surprising, be impulsive, but be all of that consistently.

It may seem to be one of those “too good to be true, cure all” steps to fixing a marriage that you read everywhere all the time. And yes, it is such a simple answer to a complex issue, but it does work. Being consistent in the way you are when it comes to your husband or wife is one of the simplest ways that you can build and develop the trust in your relationship.

Filed Under: Marriage Makeover, Personal stuff, Relationship Tips, Relationships: Marriage Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Coping with Infidelity: Learning to Trust Yourself After Infidelity

February 28, 2012 by 1 Comment

Different kinds of affairs mean different approaches in handling the situation, which in turn will produce different results. In some relationships, a partner having an affair may be one of the greatest things that had happened for the marriage. For most though, it means the end. Affairs demand different things, from patience and understanding to tough love and action. It just all depends on what kind of affair it is.


People usually react differently when they hear of their partner’s affair, but the emotional impact is equally strong for everyone. Expect to have plenty of sleepless nights, and feel kind of a numbness that will leave you idle and unproductive for weeks. It usually takes a long time for an individual to work through everything and process things completely – usually about two to four years. Having a good therapist or counselor may help you deal with it faster, but it usually depends on your situation.


The reason why the emotional impact of a situation like this runs deep is usually because of two major things: the trust you had in your partner is completely destroyed, and the consequences of keeping secrets in a relationship takes its toll on you.


One of the most important things you will have to develop is to trust yourself, and not to put your trust completely in your partner. You should also learn to deal with the ramifications of what this does to your relationship.

Filed Under: After the Affair, Infidelity and Tolerations, Infidelity Decisions, Infidelity Fears, Infidelity Help, Infidelity Impact, Recovery From Infidelity, Relationships: Marriage, Surviving Infidelity Tagged With: , , , , , ,
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