Infidelity and Narcissism – Won’t say NO

January 7, 2009 by Leave a Comment

The “I Don’t want to Say No” is one type of infidelity that underscores the trait of narcissism.

The case study below illustrates what it’s like to cope with infidelity of this nature.

1. What are the 5 top things you presently are tolerating or putting up with as you face infidelity?

We have been reconciled for 2 yrs. but at the time I put up with Flip-flopping! With me, he would be determined to fix the mess he made, but as soon as he was back with her, he couldn’t leave her. 2. Tears, he cried all the time, felt very sorry for himself. 3. Nastiness, tell me how great she was, most sensuous woman he had ever met; such a great cook; a great mom; wonderful, nice woman she was; she had been married and divorced 3X’s, had several long term common law situations. 4. Drinking on his medication 5. Cake eating big time! Never let me out of his clutches, begging me to be patient, let him get this out of his system My husband hates confrontation!

Coach’s Comments:

1. I suspect an “I Don’t Want to Say No” type of affair. The flip-flopping seems like a game, not a true sign of confusion or ambivalence. He “knows” what he wants and he’s going to get it (i.e. both a mistress – who mirrors back to him how truly great he is – and a stable home base envirnment from which to stray.) His comments to his wife about the OP also indicates narcissism.

2. Words won’t work with the “I Don’t Want to Say No.” One needs to act, to set up and follow through on consequences. And, when action is indicated, he will turn on the tears and apologies. Don’t fall for that trick.

Filed Under: Extramarital Affair Types Tagged With: , ,

Infidelity and the Other Person: Setting Boundaries

September 10, 2008 by Leave a Comment

Should you confront the other person?

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I wanted to hear from her that this affair happened. I couldn’t believe my husband would ever do this. I called her and asked her about it, and she lied and said nothing ever happened. (She was married too.) She told me she wanted to help me.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

She called my husband later that night and blamed him for everything. Said he was living with a crazy person. I think this was the first step in healing our marriage. He realized that she did not care about him to even admit the affair.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

Three months (and a lot of counseling) later, I did call her back. At the time, I knew my husband had kept every e-mail and chat from their time together. It was all pretty graphic. I called her to say that I was sorry she was in a bad marriage but that didn’t give her the right to ruin mine. I told her that my husband kept every contact with her and that she would be wise to stop contact with him. A little threat, yes. But I felt better after that and never called her back.

Coach’s Comments:

1. It appears that husband and wife are fairly well aligned in this case. The husband was willing to divulge information to his wife, which gave the wife considerable power in confronting the other person.

2. The husband seemingly wanted out of that affair. His response to the other person’s phone call to him sealed the deal. He was outa there.

3. Divulging the fact that her husband had evidence was a clear and powerful way of cementing their alignment. As well, it set a clear boundary: stay away!

Interested in 7 kinds of affairs?

Filed Under: Confronting the Other Person Tagged With: , , ,