Infidelity in Marriages: Getting Out of Being Stuck in the Middle

The 7th type of affair from the e-book Break Free from the Affair focuses a lot on the confusion that your partner brings into the situation.

“I want to be close to Someone (which means I can’t stand intimacy)” usually is marked by the confusion that results from your partner’s lack of certainty about what he wants to do, or which relationship he wants to pursue. This usually leaves both you and the other person stuck until your partner makes a decision, which is probably not going to happen any time soon, if it ever happens at all.

Your partner is confused because he doesn’t want to have the stability and comfort he gets from your marriage, but on the other hand, he wants to explore the other relationship as well because it gives him a kind of freedom that he doesn’t get from you. or maybe he doesn’t want to let go of the marriage because he sees it as a real and significant part of his life, but sees the other relationship to have the potential to be that as well.

Just like you and other person, your partner is stuck and doesn’t know which direction to take, so he ends up not moving at all. So rather than make an effort to think of He chooses to not choose between you and the other person because it is easier for him to do so.

It is important that you avoid getting stuck with your partner, or in case you already are, to get out of being stuck. The best way to do this is by identifying the things you want for you, apart from your partner and what he wants, and try to pick it apart and be specific about why you want these things. By doing so, you will learn a lot more about yourself and where you see yourself going in the future.

Do I Really Want to Stay in the Marriage After Infidelity?

Most people who discover that their partners are having, or used to have, an extramarital affair have a hard time deciding between staying in the marriage or leaving. Different people have reasons for staying or leaving.

The following are some of these reasons. Read on to see if any of these apply to you, and take some time to reflect on your situation.

Do I really want to stay in the marriage or…?

1. Am I afraid that I won’t be capable of getting out of the marriage? Am I scared of starting over? Of doing it all on my own? Will I be able to survive without my partner?

2. Am I doing it because I feel like my partner needs me? Maybe if I leave, he won’t be able to cope and will only get worse. Am I just staying to make things easier for him?

3. Am I afraid of what he might do? What if I confront him and tell him I’m leaving, and he hurts me? Or worse, what if he hurts the children?

4. Have I forgotten to think about myself? Have I forgotten about my wants and needs because of every other responsibility that I have to face? What are the hopes and desires and dreams I have that have nothing to with my partner?

Infidelity: Taking Away the Juice

Charging neutral takes place when you refuse to play any games. You refuse to buy into the old patterns that created confusion, angst and destruction. This is often what is taught in marriage counseling.
In the case study below, note how charging neutral took away the “juice” that his spouse and the other person were obviously receiving from his participation in the triangle. As well, the man, in attempting to deal with his cheating wife, rediscovered his personal power.

Case Study #2:

I have just had a recent conversation with my wife, and although she currently lives with another man we are trying to get through this infidelity after 24 years of marriage. She filed for Divorce soon after leaving and moving in with her new lover. We are trying to settle our legal matters and I am informed by “him” that they are in love, and plan to get engaged and marry as soon as they get the divorce decree. Instead of ranting or raving or getting excited, I charged neutral and said “Well, that’s nice.”, in a calm tone, “maybe it will work for you.” I felt a silence at the other end that I felt surprisingly seemed to empower me. I said “I let go of her, you can have her now.” This seemed to take some of “his” power away; he didn’t know what to do with this because he thought being with my wife really bothered me, so the more I fussed the more it powered him, so I’ve learned a new technique. When I spoke with her I said, “So we should finish up and sign the Divorce papers so you can move on and get married” in a calm, confident tone. Again, there was a moment of silence. It was although she was expecting something else, for me to make a big fuss about it…..and…I didn’t. Then she tried to tell me what a great sex life they have together, great sex every night! I said, “That’s nice, good for you, maybe it’s what you needed.” So to me this felt more empowering, by taking away their power over me, to think it would tear me apart and hurt me more, but I wouldn’t let that happen. So although this is a work in progress, “Charging Neutral” can be very powerful when used at the right time. It will be interesting to see how long a “re-bound” marriage can last without giving time to heal from a previous one. I like to view it as he will be marrying “Mrs. Sampsonite”, because he’ll be carrying her baggage for a long time.

Charging neutral can be a powerful and empowering tool whether you know of the infidelity or only see signs of infidelity.

And, charging neutral is not a tool only used when facing infidelity or an extramarital affair. It can be used with tremendous benefits in all realms of life that tend to set us on edge.