Coping with Infidelity: Learning to Trust Yourself After Infidelity

Different kinds of affairs mean different approaches in handling the situation, which in turn will produce different results. In some relationships, a partner having an affair may be one of the greatest things that had happened for the marriage. For most though, it means the end. Affairs demand different things, from patience and understanding to tough love and action. It just all depends on what kind of affair it is.


People usually react differently when they hear of their partner’s affair, but the emotional impact is equally strong for everyone. Expect to have plenty of sleepless nights, and feel kind of a numbness that will leave you idle and unproductive for weeks. It usually takes a long time for an individual to work through everything and process things completely – usually about two to four years. Having a good therapist or counselor may help you deal with it faster, but it usually depends on your situation.


The reason why the emotional impact of a situation like this runs deep is usually because of two major things: the trust you had in your partner is completely destroyed, and the consequences of keeping secrets in a relationship takes its toll on you.


One of the most important things you will have to develop is to trust yourself, and not to put your trust completely in your partner. You should also learn to deal with the ramifications of what this does to your relationship.

Coach’s Corner – The Impasse

Case study:

He as left the home after she discovered the infidelity. He initially declared he wanted a divorce, but later backed down.

She is “holding the fort” together and he is basically an emotional mess. (Affair #6: I need to prove my desirability.”) He non-verbally expresses guilt and “freezes” emotionally when together.

She wants to save the marriage and has been a pursuer, trying to get him to “open up.”

He appears to be overwhelmed by her verbosity, her questions and her need to have him end the affair and come home.

Suggestions: The strategy is to make short but powerful, non-threatening comments that initiate movement in the relationship. She can make short, concise meta comments: “We are stuck.” “This is awful for both of us, is is not?” I wonder how this will end?” “I wonder when our pain will fade…” “This is a long painful process for both of us.”

Make the comments, back away and observe the response. Notice any shifts or movement.

Infidelity: Clarity and Words

Infidelity: Getting clarity and Words

What is most helpful in moving through the pain and infidelity.

Two words come to mind: clarity and Words.

Once one begins to see the patterns and begins to make distinctions between different actions of self, spouse and the other person, the fog clears.

Also finding the powerful, on-target and relevant words to express at the right time is terribly empowering.

Listen to what some of my coaching clients say as they move through the agony of infidelity”

>>>>>The (coaching) session was helpful in that it did help me understand what I really want and need to say to my wife now. You also helped me accept that it is okay to shed my feelings of guilt for causing the affair. Thank you.

>>>>>Dr H is very able to quickly asses the situation and sum it up for you in clear language. I am sometimes mired in my situation and unable to see above or beyond my circumstances. His analysis helped me. He has enough experience with this topic to have developed a whole library of phrases that allow me to communicate to my partner concisely what I mean without threats or anger.

>>>>>Wonderful validation. Pointed out questions I could be asking at this point in our moving on process.

More more info on infidelity coaching is available if you are interested.