In my ebook, Break Free From the Affair, I focus on a specific skill that exudes power.

Understanding and implementing this skill is often much more difficult than it would seem.

Here’s a person who “got it.”

1. Tell me your story. How have you used “Charging Neutral” and tell me exactly what happened?

I have learned that by “reacting” to my spouse’s affair, my spouse would get into a “defend mode”. And when a person is in this defend mode, they have tunnel vision and can only see what they want to see or think they see, and can’t hear any kind of reasoning, they only hear what they want or think they have heard. Also, when in this defend mode, words fly that maybe neither one of us didn’t really want to say or mean. So, I have practiced “Charging Neutral”. I stay very calm, almost no emotion involved, and always look them in the eye to show this is NOT going to hurt me like they think. So when my spouse and I had the “affair” talk, my spouse is the one blowing up and in a rage. I on the other hand stayed calm and would repeat what was just said to me, as to confirm to my spouse what I just heard. Most times my spouse will hear from me what was just said, and boy does it sound stupid to my spouse. If my spouse yells that “we are done!”, I may just repeat what was just said in a different way, “well I know you want to live by your self”, then follow up with “I hope you realize that you have the chance of loosing everything”. Again, by speaking in a non caring and calm manner, they can actually hear you, or hear what they just said. How can they, the one having an affair, justify to themselves or to us, any of their reasoning as being a good enough reason to have the affair in the first place. This Charging Neutral way of speaking is so non threatening to them, they have nothing to defend their actions, and they start to rethink their own actions. By the way, my spouse’s affair almost did us in. Only by me going to therapy and me reading these newsletters did I finally learn how to handle this bad situation and learned how to save my marriage. I am a very strong person emotionally and mentally now, so if this is ever presented to me again, I now have the courage and power to turn the table around and kick thier butt out the door with no regrets. No regrets on my part because I am in control of myself, but my spouse will not know what hit, and will be so confused and hurt by their own actions….why?…because of staying and being calm and having a non caring type of an attitude, even though it hurts like hell. (People seek to please others when given positive attention and kindness…People don’t seek others with reactive or defensive actions. Just like speaking to a young child).