Here’s a video on a question you SHOULD ask yourself when you discover the infidelity and move through the healing process: “What are the patterns I observe?”
Coping with Infidelity
August 7, 2009 by Leave a Comment
Here are some comments from my readers regarding the help and direction they receive in coping with infidelity:
1. How has this E-course helped you change the way you feel, think and act as you face infidelity. Give examples, if you can.
>>>I have learned to back off and concentrate on myself. If I am happy I certainly am more attractive to him. He seems to like the more positive nature I am showing and he is opening up to me and talking anytime i need to.
>>>It tells me what to do and not do.. although it tells me the correct thing, the problem now is to control my heart and emotions… that is not simply done.. my emotions has controlled some things that i shouldn’t have done and i’ve gotten in trouble for..
>>>It does help hearing that others are experiencing similar feelings. Knowing what to expect next lets me know that I am on the right path or at least heading in the right direction.
>>>In my case,my partner’s infidelity began 6 years ago. He has always refused to seek counseling or to even discuss or acknowledge what happened because the other woman is still his girlfriend. I am caring for our four children alone and he has refused to get a divorce, refused to see that there is a problem that needs to be resolved. I found your e-course very helpful in confirming what I learned the hard way over the past six years, that his infidelity had nothing to do with me, that I was mistaken to try to please him while he was cheating behind my back with another woman and thus ‘win’ him back. I believe your course is providing an excellent service without condemning the cheater, who , after all , has lots of problems to face for the rest of his life. The important thing is for the person who has been dumped , and the children who have lost their father’s participation in their lives, to know that they are not less valuable, less lovable because of what happened. But in our small town,we were shunned by some people,who treated it as just another painful marriage break up in which they did not want to take sides. We had to move away and start over.
Breaking Free From the Ambivalence
July 11, 2009 by Leave a Comment
This person describes the “I Love You, Stay Away From Me” theme that is often characteristic in psychological language with the “Borderline” personality. “Borderlines” find it difficult to change, especially if the patterns are deeply ingrained.
Read how she managed to break free:
1. How has this E-course helped you change the way you feel, think and act as you face infidelity. Give examples, if you can.
Yes, it definitely has been one of my lifelines during the past year as I try to deal with the sudden shock of an affair. The most important thing I have learned from you Dr. Huizenga, is that I have to focus on myself. A door was opened for me to look into my own soul, my own heart. I tried to avoid that for so long, but once I started there is no turning back. Being honest with myself just feels so darn good! I have finally reached the conclusion to end the relationship that I was in because it was unhealthy for me. I probably knew that subconsciously for the past 10 years or more, but I never wanted to face it. I just accepted his “love me – I need you – get away from me” type of love as what I deserved. I got used to the great joy and passion that came around when he got back into the I need you stage. It was a rush for me to be needed and loved so deeply. However, when he pushed me away I always crashed. I allowed him to humiliate me and reject me for the last time. The strength I have gained from reading your material and your emails over and over and over again has helped me to know that I am worth so much more. I have so much more to offer a man who is capable of accepting my love. I deserve to be happy, and I deserve to be loved. My greatest fear was that I was not worthy of being loved. You have helped me find my inner core – my strength – my love for myself. Once I saw the reality of who he is, the decision to leave became a no-brainer. Funny that I couldn’t see that reality for the past 17 years!
2. What unanswered questions do you have at this point as you cope with infidelity?
Why did it take me 14 months after finding out about the affair to finally get over him? Was that longer than usual? I felt like it was. I felt like I was too damaged to heal quickly. One day after about a year I felt the tiny incklings of healing, and then there was no stopping me. But during the past 14 months I had to still try to prove to him that I had not run away, I was committed to him, I believed in him and me. There was something in me that had to prove I wasn’t a failure at love. I had to prove to myself that I wasn’t selfish and a quitter like my father and my husband accused me of. I thought it would be so selfish to make the decision to leave – but in the end thinking about myself and making a decision for myself has released me from all the anger and most of the pain. I think that is what will help me in dealing with my kids, my family, and the next man in my life. They don’t have to suffer from the pain and anger I carried for so long and took out on everyone – even though I never intended to. Making a decision to leave has increased my own self esteem, but it had to be when I was ready. I guess maybe I just answered my own question about why it took so long for me to get healthy and to decide to leave. It was only after I could take an honest look at my own heart and soul and believe that I would survive that I could decide what it right for me. Thank you Dr. Huizanga – you have honestly been one of my angels and a life saver for me. (And I found your site quite “by accident”.) But there are no coincidences in life. God Bless You.