In this, part 5, my friend continues to describe his feelings and thoughts upon discovery of his wife’s betrayal.

He says…

Happiness seems such a distant goal. That celebration of gaining something valued. Can it come again? Will it ever warm this house again?That facing of the future full of hope, and aspirations and dreams. Something I valued is gone. Two remain. And steadfast, we must rebuild and redefine.

My sadness seems terminal. Acute. A desperate ache. Care in the face of loss. I’ve lost something I value. And sometimes it feels like everything I valued. I lost so much of me. I’m Paul and Claude´ and have been for over three decades. It’s the second question everyone asks of me. A question I was comfortable answering. And now I don’t know. So much that I don’t know. So much that I don’t understand. So much waiting, wanting.
Someone else, please take the question. Please! So grief is appropriate. Necessary. But I’m way too good at grieving. The river flows in torrents and scares me. When does the inner peace return? Can a past that big ever be closed? Can a wound this deep ever heal?
My God, I loved her. And I didn’t ever have a clue of just how much. Honor my love for what I lost even though it feels unjustly torn away from me. Even though it seems and feels like a grave injustice has been committed and my value, my soul was ripped from my chest. Just this bag of sand sitting where my heart once beat. I want this part over. I want a future. I want who I am to be and become. Give me a timeline. Blessed are they who mourn – Bullshit! Oh, for they shall be comforted – OK, I’ve found a true friend and have some family. This funeral has no body, however, and the acquaintances and their requisite comfort is forgone. Let’s move on. How long must this grieving go on? Will it, can it, ever end? What needs to happen for me to feel at peace?

I want enthusiasm and juice back in my life, a beating heart back in my chest. An idea and ideals that urge me on and excite me. I want to attain wholeness again. And I want to direct and star in the journey there.

“I’ve met somebody. I’m leaving you.” So many possible negative outcomes. A family divided and split. The past forever lost. The connections to the future frayed, wild and coiled and recoiled. A life of work and the physical rewards of that work squandered, split, shared, lost and given to those who divide it like spoils of war. So much fear.Fear of the known.Fear of the unknown. Fear of another bomb shell. Prepare, protect and mitigate risk – another balancing act to avoid scarcity mentality, to avoid bridges burned and forever losing things we value more than things.